Mom told me that her daughter, Brynn, age 15, was angry and defiant. She fought with her younger sister, age 13, to the point that they couldn’t be left alone in the same room. Sometimes Brynn was depressed, and lately she had begun expressing confusion about her gender identity.
How to Deal with Gender Confusion
Mom and Dad were both studying the Parenting Training, and although they did their best, they didn’t have enough love themselves, and their inexperience also greatly hampered their ability to love and teach Brynn. I began to love and teach both parents, but I also spent individual time with Brynn. Oh my, she was difficult in the beginning, but I just offered her love. No pushing.
Brynn FELT the love and confidence. All her life she lived without love, which to a child feels like living with no GRAVITY. She was untethered and lost. Love gave her gravity. She could finally stand on a rock—however small—without floating away in confusion and fear. Now, I have to say to all parents, I CHEAT.
- I’m old. I’ve been doing this for a while. My confidence is strong.
- No wounds. I’ve never hurt a child I’m talking to, so I can begin at zero, instead of trying to heal wounds I’ve inflicted.
As Brynn felt loved, and as she learned the principles that lead to happiness, she began to transform. Sure, she experienced the usual rocky moments, but she kept moving toward love. She became confident about her gender—no confusion at all, and that’s without me persuading her one way or the other on that subject.
She became kind to her younger siblings. One day she and her 13-year-old sister were visiting the home of some cousins, and the mother of that family—the aunt—called Brynn’s mother. The aunt said, “Can you teach me how to get my kids to love each other like your girls do? They don’t argue. They share selflessly. It’s obvious that they actually care about each other. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.”
How to Stop Gender Confusion
One day Brynn texted me and said, “Gramps (kids kind of choose for themselves what to call me), I’m really happy. I used to feel so alone. And angry, which is probably why I was so difficult with people. But now I don’t feel alone. Anytime I’m having a difficult experience, I remember that you love me, and suddenly things are better. I’m not alone.
"And my mom and dad are learning to love me. They’re kinder, less irritated. In the past, nobody saw me, so I was alone. I hated that. Now it’s easy to be kind to my sister. Even fun. I don't worry about her approval, so I can just be myself. I can be loving to her because I care about her and it helps me to be happy.”
When children feel loved, all the “bad” choices—anger, whining, seeking approval, screen addiction, and on and on—are just not as appealing. THAT is when a child stops using those behaviors: when they don’t NEED them anymore to diminish their pain.
We can’t force them to make the right choices, but we CAN love them and teach them to the point where they PREFER the choices that make them genuinely happy.
