Angry, Defiant, Disruptive 12-Year-Old
A mother wrote me to say that she had four children, sharing custody with her ex. She was having behavioral problems with all of them, but especially with the 12-year-old girl, Sarea, who was angry and defiant all the time. It was more than Mom could handle. Mom, of course, wanted a solution.
Parenting Training: The Essential Need to Feel Loved
On a video call, I said, “We’ll get to Sarea’s anger, but right now what you need most is to feel loved. You never have. All your life, people have wanted something from you: attention, success, physical beauty, gratitude, cooperation, accomplishment, and on and on. You’ve never felt loved for no reason, without doing something to earn it.”
She just wept and could not speak.
We talked over and over, every day. After only a few days, she texted: “I have been reflecting back on your love for me throughout the day. All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me like that.”
And I was a complete stranger to her only days before. We can FEEL it when somebody really loves us. We yearn for it. We live for it.
The next day she texted again: “All day I’ve remembered how loved I felt this morning after we talked on the video call. I can’t believe these feelings. They’re new, they’re healing.”
I responded: “You are trusting the love you’re getting, and that is no small thing. You’re vulnerable, and that's exactly how the healing happens. Way to go, you. You've been dying to feel loved, and now you’re feeling it. That’s no small amount of faith on your part. Relax into it. These first few texts and tears are just the beginning. I love you, kid. Your perspective on all of life is changing.”
Parenting: The Power of Feeling Real Love®
Only a few days after we had begun speaking, she texted: “I just got my kids back from their dad, and I had enough love to give them!!! Everyone could feel the change in me, and they responded to it. I had kids cuddling with me all day long. They loved it. I loved it! We had no problems, and I still can’t believe it. I had nothing to give them before, but now I do! You’ve been loving me, and I’ve trust that and remembered it. And now I can give it to my kids. Love has renewed my soul, for me and for my children.”
This mother was asleep. She didn’t have the love or energy her kids needed. With love she woke up and became a real parent. Her faith led to a kind of power she could not have imagined.
I said to her, “This is no small thing you are doing. You are a miracle. Your faith is making all this possible, and it only gets better.”
The Child with Disruptive Behavior was Never the Problem
Now, remember, the whole reason this mother contacted me was an impossible 12-year-old. And now she’s NOT impossible, without our addressing the child at all. The 12-year-old was not the problem. Never is. It's all about the parents.
This mother is not unique. We can all learn to find Real Love®, have faith in it, and heal the wounds that have interfered so badly with our desires to love our children.
You can do this, so let's get started.
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