Good Parenting Tips When Children Argue

As I was talking to a mother on a video call, she said that she had been trying to ā€œstopā€ her boys from arguing, teasing, and tormenting each other with all manner of gestures and tones. ā€œI tell them,ā€ she said, ā€œthat we have a 'Zero Tolerance' for anger, whining, and teasing, but they keep doing it. I think it might be unconscious. Maybe they donā€™t understand what theyā€™re doing.ā€  

Good Parenting Tips for Understanding Bad Behavior

I burst into laughter and said, ā€œWhen you walk on a flat, safe surface, are you conscious of moving each muscle required for walking?ā€ 

ā€œNo.ā€  

ā€œSo, youā€™re walking, but itā€™s almost all unconscious, right? In fact, sometimes you forget youā€™re even walking, yes?ā€ 

ā€œTrue.ā€  

ā€œHave you ever walked in the woods?ā€  

ā€œSure, a few times.ā€  

ā€œI live in the woods, so I do it a lot. When I walk on the concrete and wood and gravel paths on the way to the woods, Iā€™m not consciously choosing how my legs move. Itā€™s just habit.

"But when I enter the woods to do a projectā€”or just for funā€”everything changes. The ground is uneven, and almost everywhere on the ground there are roots, sticks, logs, animal burrows, small tree stumps, and more.

"If I continue walking in the woods with the same unconscious stride I use on the concrete, every one of those objects can cause me to stumble and fall. I have to watch every single step I take in the woods, because these objects are everywhere and sometimes not easily visible.

"On occasion, though, as Iā€™m working in the woods, I become occupied with a task and take a step unconsciously. Commonly, my foot snags on a root or branch, and then either I stumble or even fall to the groundā€”with unpleasant results.ā€ 

How to Teach Your Children to Choose Loving Behaviors

I continued: ā€œWhen Iā€™m in the woods, I CHOOSE to make my steps CONSCIOUSLY. I choose to switch from unconscious to conscious walking, and you can teach your kids to do the same with their thoughts, speech, and behavior.

"Firstyou have to point out to them EVERY single unloving behavior. EVERY time. If you donā€™t, they regard each failure to say something as your giving them PERMISSION to behave badly. Fact. 

"If you teach them every time theyā€™re unloving, though, youā€™ll teach them to become conscious of behavior that has always been unconscious. Itā€™s understandable that they are unconscious of their ā€˜badā€™ behaviors. You have actually TAUGHT themā€”unconsciously on your partā€”to feel empty and afraid.

"So, they have learned to REACT UNCONSCIOUSLY to their pain all day, instead of consciously making loving choices. And by saying nothing, you have taught them that their reactions to pain were acceptable. But all that unconscious reacting can begin to change now.ā€  

As we spoke, I could hear the sounds of unkind conversation in the next room, so I said to Mom, ā€œCall one of them in here to join the conversation.ā€  

ā€œWhich one?ā€ 

ā€œDoesnā€™t matter.ā€  

Teaching a Child that He DOES Understand His Choices: A Demonstration

Ten-year-old Jay came in. Keep in mind that Jayā€™s mother had already taught him about the behaviors that are unloving and unacceptable. I introduced myself until he felt less uneasy, and then I said, ā€œTell me some of the manipulative, terrible behaviors youā€™ve done today with your older brother.ā€ 

ā€œWhat?ā€  

I repeated the question exactly, and he looked at me with that expression that children often use, where they are imitating the intelligence and understanding of a rabbit: quizzical, puzzled, bewildered, and innocent, all at the same time.  

I smiled and turned to Mom: ā€œDo you recognize the expression on his face?ā€ 

ā€œWhat do you mean?ā€ she asked, with almost the same expression as her sonā€™s. This conversation was very different from anything she had experienced, so she too was puzzled.  

By now I was chuckling. ā€œWhen I ask him about his behavior, he acts like he has no idea what Iā€™m talking about. And he succeeds in convincing you that he really doesnā€™t know.

"Hereā€™s the useful part: Often heā€™s not aware CONSCIOUSLY of what heā€™s doing, but if you ask him to THINK about itā€”even just by asking him a questionā€”he really can CHOOSE to BECOME CONSCIOUS of what he was doing.  

ā€œWatch this,ā€ I said to her as I turned to Jay. ā€œJay, letā€™s play a game and do a test at the same time. It wonā€™t be difficult.ā€  

Jayā€™s expression changed from bewildered to curious.  

ā€œDo you understand,ā€ I said, ā€œthe meaning of the phrase, ā€˜Tell me?ā€™ For example, if I say, ā€˜Tell me your name,ā€™ what would you say?ā€ 

ā€œJay.ā€ 

ā€œOkay then. Youā€™re one hundred percent correct so far. Now, what do I mean by the word ā€˜someā€™? If I say, ā€˜Tell me SOME of the letters of the alphabet, do I want you to recite ALL of them?ā€ 

ā€œNo.ā€  

ā€œSo SOME means more than zero but less than all of something, yes?ā€ 

ā€œYes.ā€  

ā€œYouā€™re still perfect,ā€ I said with a smile and lifted brows. 

ā€œDo you know the word MANIPULATIVE?ā€  

ā€œSneaky,ā€ he said. ā€œTrying to get what you want by being sneaky.ā€ 

ā€œThatā€™s about as good a definition of that word as Iā€™ve heard. What about the word TERRIBLE?ā€ 

ā€œAwful, bad, horrible.ā€  

ā€œHmmm, so you really do understand what I said to you earlier. You got the first half, so Iā€™m certain you understand the second half. The whole sentence went like this: ā€˜Tell me some of the manipulative, terrible behaviors youā€™ve done today with your brother.ā€™ Remember now? So tell me some of the behaviors.ā€  

Jay said, ā€œTeasing.ā€  

ā€œYES!ā€ I said. ā€œYou tease your brother a lot. What else? Just from today.ā€

ā€œI got angry and called him names.ā€ He paused.  

I calmlyā€”even with some humor in my faceā€”said, ā€œKeep going. Youā€™re doing great.ā€  

ā€œI used his things without asking. I argued.ā€  

ā€œNice work, Jay.ā€  

Good Parenting Tip: Be Consistent

I turned to Mom: ā€œSee how smart he really is? When you ask him what he did, he always acts like youā€™re speaking some foreign language. He acts like he has no idea what youā€™re talking about, but the truth is he DOES understand.

"You just need to continue talking to him until his unconscious feelings and behaviors become conscious to him. Then he can describe them. Then he can begin to make wiser and more loving choices. 

"Itā€™s not that he doesnā€™t understand. The truth is that (1) he doesnā€™t WANT to understand, and (2) youā€™re not teaching him consistently.ā€  

Mom learned to love and teach, and steadily Jay and his brother became consciously aware of their behaviors. They learned to make conscious, loving choices. They worked to find solutions to their problems. Sometimes they needed to be motivated with consequences. 

Children donā€™t behave badly because theyā€™re evil, or because they werenā€™t taught at school. They behave badly because they havenā€™t been taught what loving feels like, nor have they been taught how to be loving toward others. They havenā€™t been taught by their parents. 

Itā€™s all about the parents.    

You can do this, so let's get started.

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