We all like making choices but we have little experience with making them freely. We usually make choices to please people or to avoid their disapproval, so we feel trapped.
Timestamps:
00:00 Billy is focused on his own drawing, not responding to classmate’s entreaties to look at hers.
03:18 Teacher demands that he apologize, his reply.
04:04 Mother explains to the teacher what Billy is taught at home about the Law of Choice and obligation.
07:51 Mother talks to Billy about the Law of Responsibility.
10:59 Mother teaches Billy how to socially interact with people who are demanding and entitled.
12:00 Billy likes making choices.
Transcript:
A mother called me to describe a situation that had happened earlier that day at school, mostly between her son, Billy, and his first-grade teacher.
Making A Choice Others Think is Rude
Billy, was thoroughly focused on drawing with crayons on a large piece of paper. Attempting to get Billy’s attention, his classmate Eve said, “Billy, look at this,” waving about her own, just-completed work of art.
As intent as Billy was on what he was doing, it’s unlikely that he even heard Eve speak the first time. But then Eve vigorously repeated her command to “Look at this,” and she did it repeatedly and with increasing volume and physical proximity.
It became obvious that Billy was hearing Eve’s demands for his attention, but he was choosing to continue his own creative efforts. Eve was not happy with this choice, so her demands became louder and more insistent.
Finally, the teacher came to Billy’s table and said, “Billy, you can’t ignore people like this. It’s rude.”
Billy respectfully looked at the teacher—to acknowledge that she had spoken—but then silently returned to his work.
The teacher repeated her demand in different words, but Billy was unmoved. Determined to control this interaction, the teacher said to Billy, “You need to apologize to Eve for ignoring her.”
Billy, age six, set down his crayons, looked directly into the eyes of his teacher, and said, “My mother told me that I don’t have to apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong.”
The teacher tried in several ways to elicit the desired apology, but Billy simply repeated the same answer.
Confronting the Mother About Her Child's Choice
At the end of the school day, the teacher was waiting for Billy’s mother when she arrived to take Billy home.
The teacher explained to Mother the “crime” Billy had committed earlier in the day, and Mother—educated in Effective Parenting—responded, “Thank you for telling me this.
"Just so you won’t be frustrated in the future, you might benefit from knowing that Billy has been taught at home that other than being obedient to his parents, he is not obligated to satisfy the demands of other people.
"He has been given permission—encouragement, even—to make his own choices, rather than be controlled by other people. He has been told to follow adult authority figures, but not when they are requiring him to do something wrong—like taking responsibility for something he did not cause.”
“But he was rude,” the teacher said.
“I’m grateful that you told me about the situation,” Mother said without over-explaining herself or engaging in confrontation.
The teacher couldn’t quite hand the matter over to the mother, so she asked, “So, you’ll talk to him about it?”
Mother smiled. “I’ll talk to him about his choices, and the price we pay for our choices, but I won’t tell him to pay attention to another student.
"He will pay attention to you as his teacher—which he did when he stopped what he was doing to look at you and listen to you—but he has no obligation to be obedient to a fellow student, nor to apologize when he did nothing wrong.”
The teacher began to speak, but Mother gently interrupted by saying, “Thanks for talking to me. Now I need to get home to the other kids.”
Explaining the Law of Choice and the Law of Responsibility
At home, Mother explained to Billy—as she had many times before—the Law of Choice, and how he had the right to make his own choices. On this occasion, however, she emphasized the Law of Responsibility, the unavoidable companion to the Law of Choice.
“People can ask you anytime to do something for them,” Mother said, “but you always have a choice about how you respond. Just remember that you are also RESPONSIBLE for the choice you make.
"Refusing a request from a policeman, for example, would generally be unwise, because you would likely be arrested.
"If you choose to take something from a store, you must be willing to take the responsibility for paying for it.
"Generally, if your teacher requests that you do something—like answer a question—you are responsible for answering it. Your teacher asked you to apologize for something that was not wrong, however, so the best thing is to tell her what you have been taught at home, and then she can work it out with me.”
Billy nodded through all this.
Mom continued: “Now, the request from Eve. Did you HAVE to give her the attention she demanded? No, but could you have handled it better? Let’s look at it.
"You MIGHT have simply said to her, ‘I’ll be done drawing this figure in just a few seconds, and then I’ll look at your drawing.’ You didn’t HAVE to do that, but if you had, she would have felt cared for, you would have been able to finish what you were doing with little delay, and you would have had good practice loving people while you were being interrupted.
"OR you might have said, ‘I have just a little more I want to do right now [not to finish the whole drawing, but to finish one part], so if you’ll show your drawing to one other person first, I’ll look at it after that.
"There are lots of possibilities where you can practice making choices where everybody wins, but you’re never FORCED to do what someone else wants. Even if you DO satisfy somebody’s request or demand, you can do it because you choose to be loving, not because you have to do it.”
Billy smiled. “I like making choices.”
Of course he does. We all do, but we have little experience with making them freely. We usually make choices to please people or to avoid their disapproval, so we feel trapped.
We can help our children to experience the exhilaration of choices freely made.
