Hypervigilance and Understanding Reactions
Pain from the past can fundamentally alter the function and even the structure of parts of the brain. Our neural connections can become hyper-reactive to any event in the present that resembles the past trauma, even though the connection may not be obvious. This is the essence of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and PCSD (post-childhood stress disorder), where the original trauma is most or all of childhood.
Perhaps the most common and prominent characteristic of PTSD and PCSD is hypervigilance, which is a condition of highly exaggerated awareness of potential danger or injury.
An example of hypervigilance would be someone who screams every time there is a loud noise, because he was severely injured during a bombing when he was a child. Understanding hypervigilance is critical in the understanding of much of human behavior.
I once watched Person A respond to turning around and suddenly becoming aware of another person in the room. Person A dropped what was in her hand, screamed, and said, “You scared me.” Is that true? Does the sudden appearance of someone in a room CAUSE fear?
No, because I watched Person B—minutes later—turn to discover that someone else was in the room. Person B didn’t startle at all, but instead said, “Oh, hi. I didn’t know you were there.”
This proves that the reaction to a sudden appearance is related to something other than the appearance itself. Person A had experienced many instances in childhood and later in life where people suddenly appeared in the room with her and hurt her.
Person B had no such experiences. Person A startled because of hypervigilance, because of the exaggerated neurological reaction in the present to similar events from the past.
The Importance of Understanding Reactions
We need to teach this principle to our children, with words appropriate to their age. Why? Perhaps the most important reason is to explain their reactions to OUR behavior. Understanding their reactions helps them understand and interact with their world in positive ways.
On occasion, in the process of loving and teaching your children, you will have to refuse one of their requests, or you will have to repeat an instruction more directly if it was ignored the first time.
On such occasions, your children may claim that you’re angry, or that you have hurt their feelings.
The most important thing to consider in this moment is whether you really ARE angry. If you are, you must admit it and explain that you were not being loving.
If you were not angry, however, you need to explain that in the past you HAVE been angry on many occasions, so that now the child is extra sensitive to anything that reminds them of your anger—a direct tone, a refusal of a request, a certain facial expression.
Children need to understand the world and the people in it before they can interact in the most beneficial ways with people.
