Positive Feedback—Telling a Child the Truth
When we’re lost, we need help seeing where we are—feedback—and we can do that for our children, which means telling a child the truth about how they’re doing. It's NOT praise.
One afternoon Dad came into the room to find that Max was teasing his younger brother. Max had received a number of verbal lessons from his loving father about this subject, so he shuddered at the thought of what Dad might say next.
Dad walked over to where Max was sitting, pulled up a chair, and sat directly opposite his son. Their knees were touching, and Dad reached out to take Max’s hands in his. Dad said, “Do you have any idea of what a miracle you are?”
Max was stunned. This was not what he was expecting, and to his obvious surprise tears came to his eyes. “But I was teasing Justin.” The unspoken conclusion to that sentence was, “so how can you tell me I'm a miracle while I’m being snotty?”
“Oh, I know. But I also know that you know better, and I have faith in you. I believe that as long as you keep feeling my love for you, and God’s love for you, you’ll choose the right thing. Do you know why I have that faith in you?”
“No.”
“Because I know YOU. I know you’re a good kid. I know you want to do the right thing. I think you’re a miracle. Look at yourself. You used to be so unhappy. You argued and whined and teased all day. You were in pain, mostly because I didn’t know how to love you.
"But I’m learning, and you’re trusting me. You’re feeling loved, and now you’re NOT unhappy. Sure, occasionally you make mistakes and stumble. Sometimes you tease, which you know we have a zero tolerance for. But we also have a zero tolerance for anger, and sometimes I still get irritated. I make mistakes just like you do.”
Max could hardly believe what he was hearing, but he knew that he liked it.
Dad hugged Max and left the room. The teasing did not resume, and Max was visibly happier for the rest of the day.
Giving Feedback
There are so many ways of loving and teaching, and we need to be creative in using them. Sometimes a single word is enough. Sometimes a sermon. Sometimes a consequence.
Often just more loving teaching, and on occasion that involves giving a child positive feedback, which really means telling a child the TRUTH about how they’re doing. It’s NOT praise. When we’re lost, we need help seeing where we are—feedback—and we can do that for our children.
