Earning approval is a lot of work, and gradually and stealthily it sucks away the self-worth of the buyer. Help your child recognize this so they can stop.
Timestamps:
00:38 Why parents don't have the courage to loveandteach: 1)World runs on approval, not truth.
01:46 2) Change makes you isolated for a while.
01:58 3) Children are resistant
02:36 Example of how a teen earned approval and felt worthless.
04:31 Mother helped her see how she was buying her peer's approval and was a slave.
06:00 Stops "buying" their approval and feels confident and free.
Transcript:
I know a 16-y.o. girl, Allison, whose mother had the courage to love and teach her. This mother is a hero, since the number of parents who have the faith and courage to do this is TINY.
World Runs on Earning Approval, Not Truth
Why? Why would parents be reluctant to truly love their children and teach them what is TRUE and life saving?
- Because the world doesn’t run on the truth. It runs on approval, power, drama, excitement, entertainment, and so on. If you—or your children—suddenly decide to make your decisions based on the TRUTH, you will be regarded as odd, weird, anti-social, possibly not “woke,” and more. You really take a risk when you grow, but the alternative is that you are a SLAVE to the people who BUY and sell approval and excitement all day, every day.
- You may be isolated for a while, until you find people who are also willing to take this risk.
- Your children are VERY likely to resist you, withdraw their approval, and even be defiant and angry. Parents are ADDICTED to the approval of their children—or, at the very least, to the avoidance of their children’s DISapproval.
Helping a Teen Recognize Her Need for Earning Approval
But this mother had the courage and began to point out to Allison the things she was doing to earn the approval of her friends, especially at school.
- Allison had to be perfect in her appearance. She might neglect other responsibilities, but she NEVER missed her grooming before school and before bed. She spent an HOUR every morning only on the skin on her face: cleansing, tweezing, creams, makeup, and other the stuff I know nothing about.
- Choosing clothing every morning was a meticulous process. Everything had to be just so, and when she achieved the right combination, there was a kind of mini-celebration: “Oh look, Mom! What do you think about my outfit?”
- Her hair had to be perfect.
- She was a slave to Sophie, the girl leading the particular group she participated in—in effect the Boss of the group. She had to agree with the “Boss’s” opinion, laugh at the Boss’s jokes, do what the Boss wanted to do, sit where the Boss wanted before school and at lunch.
Earning approval is a lot of work, And gradually and stealthily it sucks away the self-worth of the buyer. That erosion of worth is almost never noticed by the approval-earner, but it is so very real.
Think: If you have to BUY the approval of other people, what does that say about your worth? That you’re worthless without something to sell.
As Mom pointed out what Allison was doing to earn approval, Allison realized how little RETURN she got on her investment. What she got from all that work was the brief, superficial acceptance of people she didn’t even want to be like or be with.
Her “friends” were superficial people who fed off the approval of others, who lived on a sense of superiority and condescension, and who were not peaceful or genuinely happy.
Allison began to realize that she was selling herself for, well, nothing. Wow. And that is true for MOST people, but they never realize it, so they can never change it.
Teen Finds Surprising Happiness After She Stops Earning Approval
Allison made the almost unbelievable decision to do something about this. She got up one morning and skipped her skin routine. She didn’t wash her hair, so it looked greasy and sloppy, at least in her estimation.
Her friends didn’t say anything, but she noticed a sense of confidence in herself that she hadn’t noticed before. When Sophie told a joke, Allison didn’t feel obligated to laugh. It felt good to be “free,” using her word.
Allison talked to her mother at the end of the second day and said, “My friends are definitely noticing that something is up, that I am different. I show up in sweats, my hair is just neglected. I challenged myself to not make a new braid. I kept the old braid from yesterday, after a day of school and volleyball and sleeping.
Mom: All day you get to remember you are loved independent from your looks, so when people dislike you or ridicule you for your looks, it’s just information—about THEM. You can think, “Oh, good to know. That's the kind of person I DON'T want to be friends with.” And then you’ll find it so much easier to let go of your old obsession with looks. It makes you a prisoner.
During the third day, Allison texted me several times, noticing how different she was feeling. And with each text, she sensed a touch of connection.
At the end of the day, she spoke to her mother and said, “It’s almost embarrassing now to see how I used to feel obligated to laugh at other people’s jokes—especially Sophie’s. For the first time I noticed that when Sophie says something she thinks is clever, she looks around to make sure that other people laugh with her. I just didn't feel like laughing, so I didn’t. I felt strange at first, but then I realized I felt stronger.
Mom: It’s fun being more awake, isn’t it? You’re more yourself. You’re not controlled by her anymore. You’re a little worried that she won't like you anymore, that you won't have any friends now, and that’s a little uncomfortable. Just remember that I love you, and a couple of others love you, and you'll see how things will turn out with Sophie. She probably won’t like losing control of you, but now you can choose not to care. You are practicing being you and being loved for real. It's unfamiliar, but you’re liking it.
Mom told me that Allison then curled up in her arms and fell asleep. That’s quite a testament to the safety and relief Allison was feeling.
Teen’s Joy at Not Being a Slave to Earning Approval
Early on the morning of the fourth day, I talked to Allison on a video call. She was beaming. The power radiating from her was remarkable. She said, “I can’t believe how I’ve always molded myself to become what other people wanted. Yuck. I like this better. I think I’m going to shave my head and get rid of this obsession with how I look.”
Greg: I have no attachment to what you do with your hair. You could shave it. Or you could just not wash it as often and tie it up in a bun or ponytail. Whatever works for you. By the standards of the world, you are physically beautiful, so the temptation to focus on that asset would be very strong. Your willingness to focus on something more important is proof of that inner strength and beauty that I’ve been describing in you.
Allison: Somebody is going to comment on my hair soon, whether I shave it or not. If I do, I think I know what I’ll say. I’ll just say, “What do you mean? I’m still me. It’s just hair.” If they ask why I cut it, I’ll say, “Just felt like it.” If I explain it more than that, I’ll be trying to minimize their disapproval. I’m having feelings I’ve never had. I’m noticing people around me that I would have criticized in the past for not looking “right.” I'm accepting people I would have dismissed before. I’m talking to them.
Greg: You’re having fun being you. It’s fun to watch you be you.
Allison: Yesterday Sophie was sitting next to me in English class, and she complained about how stupid the teacher was, how she hadn’t explained the assignment. I would never have known what to say before, except to complain with her. This time I remembered stuff my mom has taught me. So I said, “You’re right, she doesn’t explain things well. So now we can complain about her, or we could raise our hand and ask for more explanation.”
Greg: What you’re doing is courageous and faithful. Instead of buying approval from people who won’t accept you anyway, you’re just being yourself, and in the process you gradually and naturally eliminate those people who would never see you or genuinely care about you. You don’t reject them. You just “weed ‘em out” by being yourself. It’s relatively effortless.
Allison: I like living this way.
Sixteen years old, and this young lady is grasping the power of Real Love. It’s freeing her from the shackles of the world and all its lies and distractions. She experiencing what it’s like to be herself.
She is a rare human being, loved and taught by a rare mother. She now has a life of freedom and power before her, with innumerable choices that would never have been available before.
THIS is the kind of effect we can have as we love and teach our children. You CAN do this. It takes persistence and faith and courage, but you can do this. You’ll never do anything better, either for your children or yourself.
