If you are the parent of a child, you can’t give that job up to anybody: not the Internet, peers, phones, or grandparents. Your children need you to do it.
Timestamps:
00:00 Diana, once an angry mother, learns to love and teach her children.
01:12 The Grandmother feels threatened and tries to take over mothering the children.
05:32 Diana tells her that she’s the mother.
07:04 Advice for undoing the grandparent’s spoiling.
08:00 Grandma stops interfering.
Transcript:
An Angry Mother Finds Real Love and Changes
A mother, Diana, wrote to tell me that she felt like she was living in hell. She has two small children, and their endless whining was beginning to crush her soul. She felt utterly overwhelmed.
Her husband offered no support, regarding her as little more than an occasional convenience, and they all lived with his mother, who controlled Diana and treated her with anger and condescension.
Every day I admire those people I learn of who have never known love but struggle to survive in conditions that would make many people insane, or would drive them to addictions that would render them little more than objects.
Diana learned to feel loved by a few people. She learned to be more loving to her children, which was miraculous considering that she had gotten to the point where she only screamed at them to do what she told them to do. She learned to loveandteach and to use consequences where necessary. She was progressing beautifully.
An Interfering Grandmother Believes in Spoiling the Children
But the story was going too well. Enter Grandma, a controlling dragon who began to realize that she wasn’t the Empress of the Universe anymore. She saw that Diana was actually becoming a real mother to her children.
But Grandma found that threatening because she wanted to be the Grandmother of the kids, the Mother of her son (the kids’ Father), and the Boss of Diana. Grandma could see that Diana was developing some inner strength, and Grandma found that threatening.
So, on occasion, one of Diana’s two children would whine for something, and Diana would insist that they speak with words or sign language to indicate what they wanted. She did just what the Parenting Training had taught her. And it WORKED. The whining stopped.
But Grandma believed—as many grandparents do—that grandchildren should be indulged. Why? Because the GRANDPARENTS do the indulging, and the grandchildren then LIKE the grandparents for spoiling them—of course. Easy job being the spoiling, indulgent, and interfering grandparent.
It infuriated Grandma to hear the children whine and cry, and she blamed Diana for ruining the children and undermining Grandma’s control of the household, as well as her peace of mind.
The Grandmother Interferes with Consequences
Diana’s loving and teaching were working pretty well, but sometimes—predictably—she had to use consequences. For example, sometimes if a child continued to whine after loving and teaching, Diana would restrain the child in a way that was inconvenient and unpleasant for the child—exactly the purpose of a consequence.
Normally, as described in the Training, that would mean that a whining child goes to their room until they stop. But the apartment where they lived somehow made it impossible to shut or lock a child in a room, even briefly.
Diana complained that there was nothing she could do, but I helped her with another solution. If the child continued whining, Diana used a car seat that she zip-tied to a heavy object.
The child was in no danger—car seats are, after all DESIGNED to be safe and comfortable—and Diana regularly checked on the child to see if they were ready to use words instead of whining. But the child hated the restraint, which is the GOAL of a consequence, to motivate them to choose more wisely.
And the child seat WORKED. The kids stopped whining almost immediately.
But when Grandma saw a child in the seat, she saw an opportunity to justify her controlling on the basis that Diana was torturing her child. Ridiculous, but for a victim and controller this was a perfect opportunity.
So, Grandma came into the room with the child being “tortured” in a child seat—where Diana was sitting and softly speaking to the crying child—and she HIT Diana and ordered her to let the child go. Diana didn’t know what to do, so she called me and asked for help.
Undoing the Actions of an Interfering Grandmother
I told her to go back into the room where Grandma had taken over and to say, “I’m the mother of this child. I’m taking care of this.”
Diana: “What if she keeps yelling and hitting?”
You keep saying the same words: “I’m the mother of this child, and I’m taking care of this.” And you tell her that if she hits you again you will call the police.
Diana did it. She needed direction and some confidence. Grandma backed off. She needed to know that even though she owned the home they lived in, DIANA was the mother of these young children.
Diana said to me, “But what if my daughter whines, and I’m not in the room, and Grandma just gives her the toy or the food she is whining for? Won’t that confuse my daughter?”
Me: Yes, so here’s what you do. Picture the scene happening. You hear your daughter whine in next room, and if possible you get there first to deal with the child.
"But what if Grandma is there first and gives the child what she wants? You do NOT interfere with Grandma being rotten. It will just cause a conflict that Grandma will win, and that will frighten your daughter.
“But then you leave the room and return. You take from your daughter the object Grandma gave her.”
Diana said, obviously afraid, “Even if Grandma is in the room?”
Me: YES. You say to your daughter, “I heard you whine for this, and you know that you can’t have what you whine for. So if you want this back now, use your words.” Require your child to ask normally. Grandma will slowly get the point the more you do this. You can’t interfere with Grandma, but you can change what she’s done.
Diana called me: “This morning, when my mother-in-law heard my son crying and realized he was in the child's seat, she got angry at me again. I was so afraid, but I told her what you said about how I’m the mother and I am handling this. I felt confidence because you had talked to me. Grandma STOPPED, and she has stopped interfering. It took some courage on my part, but it worked.”
Me: Eventually, if Grandma keeps interfering—which I doubt she’ll do—you might have to tell her that if she interferes anymore, you will limit the time she can spend with them. That tends to be motivating.
Diana: I’m happier and stronger. The kids are whining less. My mother-in-law is unhappy with me, though.
Me: Hasn’t she always been unhappy?
Diana: Good point. I’m going to keep this up.
If you are the parent of a child, you can’t give that job up to anybody: not the Internet, not peers, not smart phones, and not grandparents. It’s your job, and your children need you to do it.
