Teach your children that you love them anyway, that they can believe it and feel the truth of it, and that being right is exhausting.
Timestamps:
00:00 Child can't stand being wrong, complains about everyone else being wrong.
03:22 Taking him through a discussion on why he is the best but chosen last.
06:14 Five ways to distinguish between an opinion and being right:
06:20 1) Tone
07:12 2) Frequency.
07:37 3) Solution.
08:05 4) Should.
08:24 5) Criteria for being right.
Transcript:
Child is Stubborn About Being Right
A father wrote me and described how his son, William, often became quite stubborn about being right. Dad said, “He’ll state what he describes as a fact, and if I point out his error, he defends his position with great energy and stubbornness.
"He can’t stand being wrong. Or sometimes I’ll express an opinion about something meaningless like a football game, and he goes far out of his way to contradict me and point out how he’s right and I’m wrong.
"Another example: when he’s watching television, he’s always saying stuff like, 'They’re so stupid.' He talks about how his teachers at school are always wrong. His friends are wrong, but Colin is right (for example, he is consistently picked last for playing ball games at school, but he maintains he’s the best player).
"I’m thinking that this isn’t good for him. I’ve talked about how being right doesn’t make us happy, but he gets stuck on how he has to point out how he’s right if he IS right. How can I help him?”
How to Help Him See He’s Wrong
There’s a lot here to talk about.
First, let’s help him see for SURE how he’s wrong. He claims he’s the best player but is picked last. Kids are VERY competitive at games. Get his confirmation that this is true.
Then say, “What is the likelihood that he would be picked last if he could actually make the team win?” Pretty close to zero.
But for a moment let’s let him have that point, that he’s the best. Take him through this point by point, so he can see how wrong he is.
IF he is the best player but is picked last, there could only be ONE reason: his attitude. He’s always finding fault with others and being right himself—which you can confirm from your own experience—so how would his peers regard him?
- He would always be bragging about his contributions and minimizing theirs.
- He would communicate to his peers how stupid they are when they make mistakes.
- He would criticize them when they didn’t give him the ball or make him the center of the action.
So, even if he IS the best player, HE IS STILL WRONG, because he’s a lousy teammate. His need to be right is really hurting him.
You’ll be helping him see how consistently he has to be right, and how unlikely it is that he’s always the smartest person in the world. If he continues with that attitude, he’ll pay DEARLY for it in relationships with friends, teachers, employers, partners, children.
Teach Him How to Identify Being Incorrectly Right
But that is not enough teaching. He needs to know far more than to hear that he’s selfish and incorrectly being right all the time.
He needs to know HOW to identify it, or he’ll be confused because sometimes he’s just expressing an OPINION, which he needs to feel free to do.
This can be quite confusing, especially for a kid who is eager to prove his worth in any way he can. Being right is quite a hit of power and worth.
Distinguishing Between an Opinion and Being Right
It can be helpful if you teach William some criteria for when “being right” is not helpful. Because otherwise he gets confused. For example, if he says to turn left at an intersection while you say to turn right, is it wrong of him to insist if he IS correct?
So let’s look at some criteria where “being right”—by which I mean INSISTING on being right, not actually have a correct opinion—is wrong. How can he distinguish between expression of an opinion and being right?
1. Tone.
Mimic his tone, and show him the difference between:
(A) “Thy are SO STUPID!!!” and
(B) “I don’t see how that would ever work, and here is why.”
The difference in tone is unmistakable. Ask him how he’d like it if other people used same condescending and critical tone with him.
2. Frequency.
If he makes an observation ONCE, without tone, it’s probably just an opinion.
If he makes an observation repeatedly, he’s trying to be RIGHT.
3. Solution?
“They’re stupid” is just an objection to people, with no solution. Criticizing requires no effort, teaches him nothing, and it’s intellectually and morally lazy.
If he points out only how someone is wrong, without a solution, he’s just attacking. He needs to learn that everybody gets a choice, including people we don’t agree with.
4. SHOULD.
If he talks about what other people SHOULD do, that’s saying that he is not only smarter than them, but has a right to tell them what to do. That never works out, never moves us in a direction of loved/loving/responsible.
5. BUT.
If you have an opinion, express it, but you don’t have to contradict others. There are many ways to say “But” instead of listening.
The Effect of Dad Loving and Teaching His Child
Dad told me that he went over the criteria with his son, who agreed with them. Dad said, “A couple of times William started sharing his opinion about the football last night rather too enthusiastically. (Tone and Should)
So I just leaned over and pointed to the piece of paper with the criteria and he stopped talking and smiled.
William: I want to be right. I do this to get approval and to feel important.
Dad: I know.
William: "The truth is I am loveable even when I am wrong. (Obvious result of many family meetings) I can be wrong and loved. I don't need to be right for others to love me.
"Most people are not able to love me when I am wrong because they don't know what unconditional love is and their love is dependent upon me being convenient for them.
"When I try to be right I am being selfish. I am thinking about what's convenient for me.
"The truth is that loving unconditionally is to care about the happiness of another.
"I don't need to be right to be love. You love me right or wrong. You love me if my behaviour is good or bad. I'm not good or bad. You see my soul. You know I am a child of God too.
"I still want to be good or do the right thing always and this is getting in the way of feeling loved."
Greg: Dang, all this from a teenage boy? Remarkable.
William: The truth is you love me anyway. I need to believe it. Believing it is feeling it. I need to feel the truth of it. Being right is exhausting.
Greg: How many adults would find it quite impossible to say all this? Nearly every one.
William: Being right is a prison. I am loved. That is all that matters. Feeling loved is the only way to be loving.
Greg: Perfect. This is what is possible with loving and teaching. And family meetings. And persistence.
As parents, you might consider showing this video to your children. It’s a remarkable example of learning on the part of a child.
