Our children need our love, guidance, and sometimes our protection from other people who would control them or otherwise make them feel worse about themselves.
Transcript:
New Friend is an Angry Friend
A mother told me that her young daughter, Ella, invited her new friend, Sue Ellen, to play at Ella’s house. In the next room, Mom could hear Sue Ellen being controlling, demanding, and angry with Ella. Mom didn’t know what to do.
After the playdate, Sue Ellen’s father asked Mom how the children’s experience went. Mom said, “Fine.”
But Dad wasn’t done. He said, “How was her mood?” and then explained that Sue Ellen could be demanding and angry.
Responding to the Dad of the Angry Friend
Mom replied that Sue Ellen had been “okay,” but then she called me and asked what she could have said instead of avoiding the issue.
“First,” I said, “let’s look at how to respond to the father. Usually, when a parent asks how things went with their child, they do NOT want to know about anything negative, so your response of ‘Fine’ was smart.
" But then her father made it clear that he KNEW that his daughter had a ‘mood’ problem—and he asked you about it—so you would be loving to answer him.”
“What would I say?”
“You might have said something like this: ‘Sue Ellen can become pretty demanding and controlling, and when she doesn’t get her way, she gets quite angry.
'Let me emphasize that when she gets angry, I am not personally bothered, but it does have a negative effect on Ella.
'So I want to get your permission to try something. I’ve taught Ella a lot about what makes a happy family, and we’ve agreed that being demanding or angry does not make us happy.
'So, when Ella gets angry or difficult, I remind her of our agreement. I say, ‘We don’t do that in this family, remember?’ And that almost always works.
'So IF you give me permission I would do something like that with Sue Ellen. If she gets controlling or angry, I would tell her that we don’t do that here in this family because it doesn’t make people happy.”
Mom said, “That doesn’t sound so difficult. What if he doesn’t want me talking to his daughter?”
Helping Your Child Talk to Her Angry Friend
“Not a problem. You tell him that if you can’t talk to Sue Ellen, you will be talking to your daughter, Ella, to let her know that if the controlling or anger gets too bad, she can tell Sue Ellen that their time together is over, and Sue Ellen will have to leave.
"Because we don’t do that here. We won’t be angry at her. We just don’t do that here.”
“How do I say this to Ella?”
“Easy. She already understands that in your family you don’t do demanding or anger. Then you explain how she can warn Sue Ellen after the first time she’s angry, but the second time Sue Ellen is angry, Ella will come to get your help with asking Sue Ellen to go home.
“Then keep going. Role play with Ella. Each of you takes turns playing the parts of Ella and Sue Ellen, so that Ella can practice talking to Sue Ellen, and she can hear what YOU would say to Sue Ellen. The role playing will give your daughter confidence.”
As parents we are responsible for the emotional health of our children, and we have a duty to protect them from other people who would control them or otherwise make them feel worse about themselves. Our children need our love, our guidance, and sometimes our protection.
