Parents and children must choose discomfort if they want to grow and stretch. We must choose the Laws of Happiness and stay away from "Feel Better" sedation which is numbing, and choose to "Be Better."
Timestamps:
00:00 Mother describes a daughter's selfish behavior.
01:22 Teach child Awareness - that by her behavior choices she will choose happiness or unhappiness.
03:23 The Laws of Happiness.
06:16 The unhappy results of the attitude of me, me, me.
Transcript:
Mother writes about her teenage daughter, Maria.
Mom: She is constantly putting herself ahead of her younger sister. She goes first at any activity, gets more, bosses her around. She focuses on her clothing and how it makes her look sexy: tight-fitting, latest fashion, and on and on. SELFISH is the word for how she’s living, even though we’ve talked about Real Love in meetings.
Greg: And this is where parents either (1) ignore it, or (2) control it. And either way, the child learns NOTHING ABOUT LIFE. THAT is the point of lovingandteaching.
Easy to talk about all the principles of Real Love, but if then we don’t follow up and absolutely insist on AWARENESS, we lose. They lose.
The Laws of Happiness
First, let’s keep it simple.
The real question is, does Maria want to be happy? Period. That’s it.
If she does not, then it doesn’t matter much what she does, because she WILL find the UNHAPPINESS that is the alternative to happiness. If you do nothing, unhappiness will FIND YOU.
If she DOES want to be happy, it turns out that happiness is eternally, universally, and divinely GOVERNED by LAWS. Just like everything else.
The motion of planets, moons, stars, and galaxies is all governed by very clearly defined laws of physics. Good thing, eh? Or the moon could just “decide” to crash into the earth one day, and that would be the end.
LAWS govern everything, including happiness. They are not arbitrary. They are out there to restrict our choices. They create a foundation, a path, by which we can reliably ACHIEVE the happiness we want. Laws PROTECT us. They enable us to avoid the pitfalls that would TAKE AWAY or restrict our ability to find happiness. In laws we find safety and joy. Period.
So what are the laws? Complicated? No.
As opposed to other laws, like being a citizen in the U.S. and any state. Just the TAX laws are in the thousands of pages. The other laws fill LIBARIES.
No, the laws of happiness are simple:
Loved: tell truth, find wise men and women. No lying.
Loving: No selfishness, anger. Giving. Thinking of people other than self.
Responsible: No excuses, no blaming. DO what is required and persist.
Done.
Wow, how lovely and simple this all is. Laws. Who would have thought they were so beautiful?
No Exceptions to the Laws of Happiness
Mom: I need to talk to her about her selfishness. She needs to see that her ATTITUDE reveals where she really is. She first thinks of herself.
Greg: And that is death for a kid or adult. It doesn’t matter what a child can repeat back to you. What matters is how they THINK and FEEL—which is ATTITUDE. That must change, or nothing else will. Remember: Event ➝ Judgment ➝ Feeling ➝ Reaction
Attitude reveals Judgment and Feeling. If that doesn’t change, reactions will be selfish.
Mom: I asked Maria how she was getting along with her sister, Nola. She said that Nola had often expressed her desire to do something with her, but Maria was busy and just hadn’t had time.
Greg: Selfishness is insidious. So easy to have an excuse each time. Maria “doesn’t have time” because she is fully occupied with looking good, looking for clothes, spending time on Facebook looking good, and on and on.
Mom: I suggested she set aside some time and make an attempt to love her sister. She said, “Okay,” but it was obvious that she was not enthusiastic.
Greg: THAT is the attitude we were talking about. Her overall attitude is Me-Me-Me. It’s not something to ignore. She WILL get away with her selfishness, or it will seem so, but she'll pay for it heavily all her life—in relationships, at work, everywhere.
She has the examples of her father, two brothers, and a sister, all of whom are now stick in a pit of selfishness right up to their noses, and they can’t move. They’re going NOWHERE with work, relationships, and life.
It’s a nightmare to watch, and she has SEEN it and knows that they’re unhappy. She needs to see it more clearly and see that she is ON THE SAME PATH as they are.
Remember how one day you talked to her brother, who was being selfish and arrogant and resistant to EVERYTHING you tried to teach him? At one point you even said, “So what you’re saying is that You will be the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD who can keep breaking the Laws of Happiness but then be happy anyway. Is that what you’re saying?” Do you remember his answer?
Mom: Yes, he said “Yes, I’ll be the only one.”
Greg: Astonishing arrogance and selfishness and denial. Essentially, he pronounced a death sentence on himself. He refused to abide by the very laws that would guarantee happiness for him. He is so arrogant that he believes that he can create laws for himself that violate UNIVERSAL laws.
Mom: I remember. I could hardly believe it.
Greg: It was quite memorable. Do you remember Maria’s reaction to his selfishness?
Mom: Yes, she said, “That’s really selfish. He’s shooting himself in the head.”
Teaching the Laws of Happiness to a Reluctant Child
Greg: Yes, and now you need to remind Maria of what her brother said, and tell her that she’s almost to that point herself. She needs to SAY and MEAN IT that she is expecting to be the sole exception to the universal Laws of Happiness.
Mom: I see it better now. When I bring up her attitude or behavior, she looks like she’s being beaten, and she listens only because I’m MAKING her listen. She listens only to get me to stop talking, and if I press her on it, she admits that she’s doing that.
I told her that this was a golden conversation for her. Either she picked up the gold and made use of it, or she would likely miss out on happiness for the rest of her life, because every day, old patterns of thinking and feeling become more ingrained.
Mom: She teared up, but mostly it was frustration that she couldn’t get me to stop pushing her.
Greg: Good for you to see the difference between those tears and those of sincerity. Tears by themselves mean NOTHING. They can mean anything from joy to despair and intense resentment.
Mom: I feel I need to address this head on. Bump her on the head. I am not making an impression so far. Maybe ask her directly: "Do you want to become a selfish person who is just concerned about how she looks and having fun and using other people?"
Greg: YES. And add, “Do you want to become like all the other empty, selfish people in the world?
Do you really think you WON'T become like your brother and older sister and everybody else, the people who whine and complain and demand all day? If you keep this up, you WILL become like them.
And you will HATE the end result. That would be very, very sad. Look at all the selfish people, and how they end up. They DO get away with it for a while---or they appear to---but they lose badly. Maria’s LIFE is at stake. No exaggeration.
Mom: Maybe I need to ask her each time she’s selfish if she’s choosing Happy or Unhappy.
Greg: Yes, RIGHT NOW is the time to help her NOT to choose badly, as did her brothers, sister, and father, who are VERY unlikely to change.
Choosing Comfort-Growth and FeelBetter-BeBetter
Greg: I would even suggest two new choices in addition to Happy vs Unhappy. Every day we choose between Comfort-Growth and FeelBetter-BeBetter.
These are possible, more tangible/ graspable, a more practical guide to decide in the moment which step to take next. More real than Happy/Unhappy, which is harder to assess.
Happy-Unhappy are too big, too broad, too distorted by the world (they changed definition of happy to mean Entertained or Satisfied. This is wrong.
We must choose discomfort if we want to grow and stretch, we must stay away from FeelBetter sedation/ numbing.
Mom: First thing I will do today is collect their phones when we’re together, not just put them down.
Greg: Yes.
Mom: Then I will go to an inexpensive store and have Maria find appropriate shorts and tops that aren’t intended to display her flesh to everyone.
Greg: Outstanding, yes.
Mom: I have to be such a big girl.
Greg: Yep. Cute.
Mom: I am starting with the vision of it. I am big, I contain happiness and confidence, and gravity permeates all of my big me, and I contain the whole of it. I must communicate the love of God to my children, which would mean I would have to have enough of it myself.
I met with Maria and told her that she's entitled and spoiled, like most of her generation, rich and poor kids. She said how the world is just spinning with GETTING things: cars, phones, free college, and on and on. She said parents even PAY kids to motivate them to participate in classes/ activities to advance themselves.
Greg: Horrifying. No sense of confidence, just earning, trading, getting. All selfish.
Mom: We talked about how her brother is being supported by the state because of all his selfish decisions. And her other brother is well into the same system.
Greg: Kids are dying, and we're HELPING them do it. YOU are changing the world. Congratulations on being a parent.
