We have to grow up and be prepared for our child's disapproval. We have to stop earning their approval, stop being their comfort dealers, and instead be real parents, who love and teach, knowing that sometimes teaching involves difficult steps and discomfort.
Timestamps:
00:00 Account of a mother who did everything for her son since birth to spare him any pain.
01:34 Grown son is unhappy, mother asks for help but she is afraid to act because he won't like it.
03:08 An athlete trains with discomfort to become his best. Pain is gain.
04:28 Giving in to a complaining child robs them of the growth they NEED.
05:02 Learn the difference between need and want.
Transcript:
Your Fear of a Child’s Disapproval Will Cripple Them
Imagine this scene: A mother decides that she is going to make her infant son’s life painless. So she carries him everywhere, sleeps with him, and never leaves his side.
As he gets old enough to speak, he learns that all he has to do is cry, and Mom will run all over creation trying to find what he wants—which is quite entertaining to him.
As he gets older, Mom continues to do everything for him. Fixes every meal, fetches drinks or snacks when he demands them, makes his bed, washes his clothes—all the way through high school, at age eighteen.
He had a car and motorcycle. His grades were poor. He lived on video games. He demanded and got more money for clothes. He stayed in his room, and his mother brought him meals.
He had no friends because they got tired of his demanding and arrogant attitude pretty quickly. He avoided people because there was a risk that they might want something from him or might criticize him.
He was crippled by … comfort. And I know all too many kids like this. His mother asked me what she should do. She could see that he wasn’t happy, so she just did more for him, hoping to make a difference. It did. It made him worse.
Why Growth Requires Discomfort
I began to make suggestions. I started off with taking away the video games entirely.
Mom said, “Oh, he plays games for at least eight hours a day. It would kill him if I took them away.” She made a similar response to anything else I suggested that would benefit her son.
Finally, I said, “My dear, you want your son to grow and become a meaningful human being, but without pain. I understand. Who doesn’t want that? I would like that.
"But it’s impossible, impossible with any field of meaningful endeavor. Imagine coddling an athlete to the point that every time he became uncomfortable during a workout, you brought out a couch, a video game player, a large screen, and a plate full of food.
"You want him to be comfortable, right? Well, he WILL be comfortable, and he will utterly fail to prepare for the excellence he claims to want in his sport.
“In athletics, practice is required, and invariably that involves pain. It’s right where people become uncomfortable that they learn and grow the most: their muscles grow, they learn endurance, they learn to perform while they’re tired (which they’ll have to do during competition), and more.
"Watch a trainer with an athlete, shouting, 'Work through the burn, baby. Just one more repetition (or one more lap, or one more minute, or one more lift).'
“And it is the SAME in life. We are not HERE to suffer. Suffering is not the goal, but it is part of the inevitable price for growing.
"Growing is almost synonymous with stretching, and stretching by definition requires a strain on who we are. It requires flexibility where we have not flexed before. It requires that we put to death some old ways as we learn new ones. That WILL involve pain from time to time.”
Stop Being Afraid of Your Child’s Disapproval
I say the same to every parent. Children will attempt to pluck at your strings of sympathy when they complain that you’re hurting them. Or they will say that they really, really don’t want to do something difficult you’ve assigned—or something from school.
If you give in, you give them comfort and relief—and you win their approval—but you rob them of the growth that they NEED.
Children rarely know what they NEED, and we get very confused when they state what they WANT. We believe that they need what they say they want.
And they frown and cry and give us looks of horrifying disapproval if we insist on what they need to grow, rather than what they want. We’re afraid to cause discomfort and their disapproval.
We have to grow up and be prepared for the disapproval. We have to stop earning their approval, stop being their comfort dealers, and instead be real parents, who love and teach, knowing that sometimes teaching involves difficult steps and discomfort.
It’s growth or comfort. In most instances, you can’t have both. What will you choose for your children?
