Don’t fall for fake love and teaching. It doesn’t work, and it’s worse than nothing, because the fake stuff fools us into believing that we’re doing the right thing.
Transcript:
Two parents presented their teenage daughter, Gwen, hoping that I could help them with her depression, cutting, complete withdrawal from the family, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were baffled by her behavior, because they claimed that they loved her consistently.
With more questions, I discovered that neither parent had any idea what unconditional love was. Neither had ever received it or seen it, so there was no chance of their giving it to Gwen. So why did they believe they were loving her?
When Loving and Teaching Is Fake Loving
Dad described himself as always level-headed and calm with Gwen. Mom said that he indulged Gwen and the other children beyond words, constantly allowing them to do whatever they wanted, without any restrictions.
The truth was that he didn’t LOVE Gwen. He simply indulged her so she would like him, and so that he could avoid conflict. So Gwen owned her own car, regularly rode her own expensive show horse, owned a roomful of clothes, and went wherever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
He admitted that he had never imposed a consequence for Gwen no matter how flagrantly she broke the rules or deadlines she was given.
Mom constantly found fault with everyone, including Gwen. She interrupted every sentence I attempted to speak, doing the same with her husband. She contradicted people and criticized them all day—including Gwen.
Between them they believed that they loved (Dad) and taught (Mom) Gwen all day, but the truth is that neither parent loved OR taught.
Dad thought that giving Gwen whatever she wanted was loving, but he simply INDULGED her, so she was entitled, demanding, snotty, and ungrateful—along with the cutting, bulimia, depression and more.
Mom thought she was teaching, but without love she was only nagging, criticizing, and making Gwen feel worthless.
The combined result was a pit of pain for Gwen, who then reacted with all her harmful and isolating behaviors.
Parents must love and teach simultaneously, and if we have the definition of either “love” or “teach” wrong, we get results similar to those of Gwen’s parents.
Don’t fall for fake love and teaching. It doesn’t work, and it’s worse than nothing, because the fake stuff fools us into believing that we’re doing the right thing.
In this Parenting Training you’re learning what Real Love and teaching look like. Keep going. You will be rewarded many fold.
