Whining is a key component is so many Getting and Protecting Behaviors, all of which are harmful to our children. Watch and learn a simple and powerful way to see whining.
Timestamps:
00:00 Why we need to talk about whining.
01:16 Why children still whine after being loved and taught not to.
04:02 See the whining child differently.
05:37 What to do when a child whines to be carried.
Transcript:
Why the Emphasis on Whining in Children
On several occasions we have talked about whining in children. Why the emphasis?
1
Whining is a key component is so many Getting and Protecting Behaviors, all of which are harmful to our children. When they’re angry, there is always an element of whining and victimhood underlying the anger.
When they have a snotty attitude, whining is a huge component. Withdrawing is a form of whining, even without sound. Victimhood IS whining.
I suggest a simple and powerful way to see whining: If there is a problem to be solved, either (1) you’re doing something constructive about it, or (2) you’re discussing what constructive action you’re going to take, or (3) you’re whining.
So we’re surrounded by a LOT of whining, from children and adults. We might call it complaining, but it’s all poison.
2
A second reason to talk about whining is that there are so many variations on it. Kids come up with hundreds of ways to whine, each time hoping that it will successfully get them what they want.
Why the Whining Continues
A mother wrote me and said, “I’m almost done with the Parenting Training, and I can see clearly that Real Love is the answer to everything I’ve always wondered. But putting it into practice is not always so easy. My four-year-old daughter, Lilly, still whines a lot.”
Mom, this is NO criticism of you. Practicing Real Love is only difficult if:
1. You have not felt loved unconditionally yourself, which is normal in our world. We WANT to believe that we were loved that way, but we were wounded far too much by disappointment and anger. If you don't feel loved, you can't help but communicate disappointment and anger to your children, so then they resist you and … whine, for example.
2. Practicing Real Love is far more difficult if you're not utterly consistent. Your daughter’s continued whining proves your inconsistency.
She remembers every time that you ALLOW her to whine, and she takes that as PERMISSION to whine the next time. Until you're absolutely consistent, she will continue the whining that always got her what she wanted.
If you're consistent, it might be more difficult for a few days, but then life becomes MUCH easier. That's the problem. Nearly all parents are not willing to experience a little discomfort now to prevent a LOT of discomfort later, so then they are guaranteed to get a child who whines, and acts like a victim, and ends up in all kinds of behavior problems for their entire childhood and often adulthood.
A New Perspective on Whining
You have YEARS of experience to prove that being inconsistent does not work. I suggest a different perspective. You believe she whines AT YOU. You take it personally, but NO, this child was simply TAUGHT—by YOU, ironically—to get what she wants by whining.
Now you’re just changing direction. Imagine that you’re on a journey, and you discover that you’ve taken a wrong turn. You can whine about it, fall to the ground and have a screaming, fist-pounding fit, but what good is that? If you’ve taken the wrong turn, all you need to do is determine a new course and keep going. Simple
Be CASUAL. When Lilly whines, SEE her differently. She’s just confused because YOU taught her wrong. So you say, “Oh, I thought you wanted to go outside, but if you whine about it, you can’t have whatever you whine about, so I guess you don’t want to go outside.” Almost amused. She has to understand that SHE is choosing the consequence that comes with whining.
This will take practice on your part. You need more time with other adults where you tell the truth about your failings and feel unconditionally seen, accepted, and loved.
Without that love, you’ll tend to become impatient and communicate "I don't love you," and then she’ll whine even more. You simply CAN'T give what you don't have.
How to Love and Teach a Whining Child
“Sometimes she whines for me to carry her. For one or two days I told her I was not going to answer her if she is whining, but she just got more upset and started crying … really crying. And I just waited for her to stop.”
There is more to teaching a child about whining than just consistency. You’ve got it right when you say that you refuse to reward the whining, but you’ve unwittingly changed “don’t reward” the whining to “do NOTHING” when she whines. And that is not the point at all. You always have to be loving AND teaching.
How could you do that? Let's say that she's standing there whining to be picked up. If you simply refuse to pick her up, she will feel unloved because the only kind of love she knows from you is getting what she demands from you.
YOU taught her that definition of love. So now you have to increase the love toward her. It will take more time in the beginning, but it pays off HUGELY and very soon.
You kneel down beside her, and you look into her eyes. You require that she look into your eyes too. Touch her. Tell her you love her, and that you WANT to pick her up, but from now on there will be no whining. None.
She can’t just cry and TRY not to whine. The whining has to stop. And you help by kneeling there until she settles down—which won’t take long if you do this soon and consistently—and until she can really ask you to pick her up, without whining and demanding.
You can carry her ONLY after whining tone is GONE. If she whines again the same day to pick her up, then you explain that you can't pick her up again that day, because she whined twice.
You give her a second chance like that when she’s asking for YOU. But if she whines even once for an object, like a snack, you tell her that now she can't have a snack for the WHOLE DAY. Otherwise, they learn to keep whining, but just to space it out so that they still get what they want. They learn that they just have to wait between whines.
Mom: Do I have to stay with her till she stops whining?
No. In fact, it's usually good NOT to stay with her, because if you do, she'll whine just to get your attention. Leave her while she's whining, and tell her that she can come and talk to you when she's done.
The Miracle of No Whining
If you really do what I’m saying consistently, the change happens faster than you can imagine.
One mother said this: “When I started the No Whining thing, my kids looked at me like I was crazy. But they stopped whining in ONE DAY.” It was amazing.”
YES, the beginning is unfamiliar to you, but do it—everything in this video—and you’ll find that it works. If you’re inconsistent, you’ll lose.
When we’re inconsistently loving and inconsistent about No Whining, it’s very confusing to the children. Then they become more frustrated.
Mother: My mother-in-law really disapproves of all this. She gives Lilly everything she wants when she whines.
You can’t care one bit about what other people say. Your mother-in-law raised your husband the old way, and it made him afraid and confused. Your daughter’s LIFE is far more important than what other people think.
When a child is allowed to whine, they can’t feel your love even when you give it to them. They are just temporarily satisfied that their demands are filled, and they’re trained to do it again.
Eventually, nothing will satisfy them, and they’ll become whining, victimy adults. I wish I were exaggerating, but I know too many thousand children and parents.
She keeps crying only because she knows you will give in to her. If you absolutely do not, and you remain loving, she WILL stop. It’s a guarantee. Children don’t keep doing the wrong thing if it doesn’t get them anything.
You must be calm. If you get upset at all—in any way, including just wrinkling your forehead—she has WON the attention she wants. And then she LOSES, as do you.
