Learning to love children with “attitude” CAN be fast and wonderfully miraculous. It all starts with listening.
Timestamps:
00:00 5-year-old with attitude.
01:04 Felt loved, then told to listen, look, touch, be kind, connect with her daughter.
02:47 No more attitude.
Transcript:
Parents often lament—even complain—that learning to love their children is SO hard, which is really a way of saying that it’s unfamiliar, and the PARENTS don’t want to learn to do something completely different. Who does? I get it.
Recently I talked to a mother, Andrea, on Skype. She said that her FIVE-year-old daughter, Julia, was already demonstrating “attitude” consistently.
She didn’t want to talk, withdrew physically from Andrea, and didn’t answer questions about school or friends or how she felt. She was sullen and obviously unhappy.
And Andrea felt helpless and ashamed that she couldn’t reach her own daughter. All this at age FIVE. Imagine this kid at 13, eh?
Listening Always Comes First
So, on Day One, on Skype, I listened to Andrea. Listening always comes first. I understood her thoroughly and described her pain to her, as well as the pain of her daughter. I described what unconditional love feels like.
I told her, “Put your hand on your heart (and I showed her how) and imagine that I’m loving you exactly like that, just like your own father almost certainly never did. Take your time until you feel it.”
She did, and eventually she wept. It’s a very touching thing to see someone feel loved for the first time. Sacred, really.
Then I instructed her how to be that kind of loving with her daughter—listening, looking, touching, being kind, connecting.
She did something crazy radical: she went home and actually did what I said and what I showed her.
The Results of Listening, Looking, Touching, Being Kind, and Connecting
Day Two (one day later)
Andrea wrote: “I've been listening to her, making eye contact and keeping it, holding her attention while giving her directions (instead of just barking orders), holding her and kissing her and loving on her. Being present with her.”
Greg: Wow, eh?
She continued, “Last night and this morning my relationship with Julia was wayyyy different. She’s like a different person. She’s talking about everything, doing what I'm asking, and staying close to me.”
Day Three (two days after our initial Skype call)
Mom: “I put my hand on Julia's chest this morning, like you did with me. And listened to her heart beat. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
“Then we talked about everything while making breakfast, TOGETHER. We talked about bugs and wheelchairs and I taught her about being grateful for food and legs and beds to sleep in. I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this until now!!!”
What a miracle. And we can all learn to do that.
