The only reason children whine and demand in manipulating us is because we TAUGHT them to. Now we can teach them not to.
Timestamps:
00:00 Parents are afraid of 3-year-olds, give in, and create problems.
01:20 What to do - love her.
04:11 Child manipulating the father, he doesn't give in.
Transcript:
From a father:
This morning I was playing with blocks with my daughter, age three. I was doing most of the building, so at one point I told her that she could do the rest. She said, "No, daddy do it."
How the Manipulating Starts
Greg: This is a scary moment for parents. They’re SO afraid of the disapproval and anger of their children, so they tend to give in and do what the child wants. They think, “It’s no big deal, right? It’s just a few blocks.” But YES, it IS a big deal.
If you reward their whining or angry demands ONCE, you’ve just taught them how to get what they want, and they WILL repeat it, and it becomes a pattern faster than weeds grow, like lightning, and soon you have an entitled child who can’t have relationships, can’t keep a job, and is dependent on you for the rest of their life. Not kidding.
What to do? LOVE her. What she enjoys most is doing something with YOU. Right at that point you could have said, "Let's do this: I'll do one block, and you do a block, and we'll do it together." That’s one possibility.
Father: I suggested that she do one block, she shouted, "No, daddy do it."
Greg: It has already become a contest, and she’s determined not to lose. Why? Because you have already given in to her demands before, and she doesn’t want to lose this way of getting what she wants. If you don’t give in, you’re stealing a tool she has found useful. But you MUST NOT give her what she wants when she’s manipulating or demanding, or that pattern forms.
Father: I suggested a different block, she began to whine—which she knows not to do from the many times we’ve talked about that. I said, "Oh, that sounds like whining."
Greg: PERFECT. You stand on a useful and even eternal principle. She has to learn it, and you can hold to this position because you’ve taught it before.
How You Know a Child is Manipulating
Father: She started to cry with tears and climbed into my lap, and whined for me to pick her up. She even said “Please.”
Greg: They’re VERY observant. You’ve taught her exactly how she can get her way, so she experiments with all the tools: whining, demanding, “please,” tears. You taught her well, and she learned quickly. But she’s still manipulating you. How do you know? TONE. Not English.
Father: I told her she can sit in my lap and cry as long as she wants. She continued to ask me, "I want daddy pick me up please" in between crying jags.
Greg: Still manipulating.
Father: I had to feed our son because he was crying so I put her on the couch and told her she can keep crying here as long as she wants.
Greg: PERFECT response on your part. Tone and bearing are critical. You need to talk to her and look at her as though she were not crying. You’re just giving her information, completely unconcerned.
Father: I finished feeding him, went over to her, asked if she was done whining, she said yes, and I picked her up.
Greg: Good. Before picking her up, I would have said, "Why did I not pick you up before?" And then we would have talked (she and I) about how she was whining and crying, and we simply don't do that. She's a big girl and can simply speak English. When she whines, I don’t give her what she’s demanding, which includes picking her up.
Don’t Comfort a Manipulating Child
Father: I don't know where the line is to comfort them when crying.
Greg: You comfort a crying child when they're simply in pain that is NOT related to their manipulating you for something:
- When they fall.
- When they're just tired and grouchy if they're sick, or it's late
You never comfort a child who is demanding something. The reward of your comfort will guarantee that they'll continue to whine in the future.
Kids really watch us closely. If we reward ANYTHING they do, they’ll do it again. Just be AWARE of what you do when they manipulate—whining, crying, begging—and demand.
If they’re old enough to understand speech, explain that you’re happy to talk with them, but whining and demanding will never work. If you are consistent, they WILL get it. They learn what you teach.
The only reason children whine and demand is because we TAUGHT them too. Now we can teach them not to.
