Every time a child behaves in a way that is not loving, or responsible we have to consciously make a choice to love and teach. If we don’t, THAT is how a 3 year old turns into a hopeless 47-year-old blob.
Timestamps:
00:00 An account of a 47-year-old "blob" and his childhood.
02:52 Every time a child behaves in a way that's not loving or responsible, consciously make a choice about what to do.
04:06 "Good family" definition has degenerated.
05:36 Act, don't just sit and hope that your children will be loving and responsible.
06:15 Do not be motivated by fear.
Transcript:
The Resolve to Love and Teach
On many occasions I have said that we MUST pay attention to ALL the unloving and irresponsible behaviors of every child, no matter the age.
The other day I received a letter from a mother of a 3-year-old girl. She said, “I watch parents interact with their children almost every day, and I don’t see a SINGLE ONE of them who is unconditionally loving and teaching their children. Nobody.
“They use obligation and guilt to manipulate them. Or they ignore them. But the children are misbehaving in every way you can imagine, and nothing is changing, despite the yelling, nagging, begging, and bribing going on.
“I want to SCREAM sometimes and tell parents, ‘Learn about Real Love right now. Learn how to love your kids and teach them. If you don’t, you won’t believe the price you’ll pay.’
“I have a friend, Daniel, 47 years old, who also happens to be the father of my daughter (we don’t live together). I know his story well. When he was a kid, his mother was emotionally just not there. No yelling or abuse, just not there.
“And his father was always at work, so Daniel was left to raise himself ALONE, with the occasional nanny, private school, and every toy money could buy.
“He was a nervous kid, and he got bored easily, so he got in trouble at school. He did poorly in school, and after high school just went from one hobby to another.
“His father had money, so he supported Daniel as he played video games, traveled, skied, and took a long list of courses on this and that. Sometimes he tried to learn a trade, but he never stayed with anything. By the age of 25 he was a hopeless alcoholic.
“Now, at age 47, his alcoholism continues. His father is dead, but his mother continues to pay for everything, enabling him to stay in a life with no purpose and no joy. She keeps talking about cutting him off, but then he cries, so she does nothing.
“Not long ago she moved him in with her, but that didn’t last for two weeks before she wanted to buy a gun. He keeps promising to be sober, but he’s been doing that for nearly 25 years without changing anything.
“Not long ago I was fooled by his promises, which is why he’s the father of my daughter.
“Finally, after all the times you’ve said it, I understand why you say that EVERY time a child behaves in a way that’s not loving or responsible, we have to consciously make a decision about what to do.
“If we don’t, THAT is how a three-year-old turns into a hopeless blob at 47. I look at my own daughter, who IS three, and at Daniel, and I can see how easily we can let go of our responsibilities as parents and allow a young child to wander off and get lost.
“I know that if I’m not consistently loving and guiding for even part of a day, my daughter begins to act out. It gives me more resolve to pay attention and consistently love and teach her.”
No One Took Responsibility to Love and Teach
What a miraculous observation and commitment. We’re all so surprised or mystified when we see an adult who is irresponsible, depressed, violent, racist, or whatever. We wonder, “How could this have happened? He came from a good family.”
The question is actually a nice summary of the problem. Our definition of a “good family” has degenerated to the point that “good” means only that food and shelter are provided, and a child is not physically or otherwise abused to the point where Child Services would remove him or her from the home.
That’s a standard of “goodness” that a snake could crawl over, and it guarantees that we as parents will be satisfied with doing the least possible in raising a child.
I have visited prisons on many occasions and spoken to those who are incarcerated there.
Every day I talk to people whose marriages are a tar pit of pain, fear, anger, and confusion.
Business owners and employees complain about their work environments and each other.
I watch the divisiveness of politics, as people are far more interested in BEING right than in CHOOSING what is right.
And as I’ve closely connected with people who have each of these problems, I have come to a certain knowledge that the unifying thread through all of them is what all these people learned when they were three, when they needed to be loved and taught but were not.
Are we hopeless? Oh, not at all.
Your Responsibility to Love and Teach
I encourage you as parents to feel hopeful. And then ACT. Don’t just sit and hope. Do something. Learn to be loving and to teach. Stay with it consistently. That’s what children need and don’t get.
If we fail to love and teach a child consistently at age 3, or 2, or 1, that pattern of pain, loneliness, worthlessness, and all the protecting behaviors will become more and more hardened in that child, to the point where it will take dramatic intervention later to change the old beliefs and perspectives and choices.
As a parent, do NOT be afraid. Just be aware of your responsibility to love and teach. Be aware that our responsibilities never go away. That is not a burden. It’s an almost unequaled opportunity to learn to be loving and happy ourselves, which then—joyfully—we can pass on to them. We can do it. Really.
We don’t have to be perfect parents, just WILLING to keep learning. And as we apply the principles of Real Love, we have the outline of what to learn.
Loving and teaching is FUN—WAY more fun than parenting without loving and teaching, which becomes impossible. I admire you—yes, you—for even watching this video, or listening, because you’re demonstrating that willingness.
From this day forward you are more likely to raise children whose hopes are bright, whose lives will be filled with love and joy. What greater thing could you ever do?
