A bully will express a negative opinion, so your child needs to be ready and see it for what it is—meaningless, an expression of unhappiness of the unkind person and not a true valuation of your child.
Timestamps:
00:00 Valuation using Van Gogh as an example.
02:33 Example of mother successfully teaching her son after being mocked at school.
07:36 Some things he can say to bullies.
Transcript:
Opinion and Personal Valuation
The other day I encountered an online photo of a Van Gogh painting, and for several minutes I sat transfixed by the feelings provoked by the creative expression I was seeing. My heart was lifted, I was inspired not only by the visual image but by my awareness that such an image could spring from the mind and heart of a human being. I thought, How is this possible? I couldn’t begin to produce such thing, but here was undeniable evidence that someone COULD.
And this particular man was emotionally tortured for so much of his life. Somehow, in ways I can only glimpse, this artist used and transcended his pain to explode his soul onto a canvas. Still blows me away.
The stories vary, but at most Van Gogh sold only a couple of paintings or sketches, and didn’t begin to generate enough income even to feed himself. But his paintings now have sold for as much as $82 million—for one. Incomprehensible, isn’t it?
It occurred to me that while a Van Gogh is worth millions to some people, to one of my younger grandchildren it would be worth less than a movie download—a few dollars.
So what’s it really worth? Depends on who is buying it. A Van Gogh original is worth nothing to me, but I AM willing to spend some of my invaluable time being inspired by examining and inhaling one.
Teaching a Child that Another’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter
I told this story to a mother, who turned it into a teaching moment with her son, Jesse. One day he came home from school in an obvious “mood.” Mom asked him what was wrong. Predictably, he said, “Nothing.”
Mom was wise enough not to back off from his rebuff. She took his hand and led him to a chair, where he sat. She moved another chair so she could sit directly in front of him. “Something happened,” she said, “and I’d love to hear about it.”
Jesse said that a kid at school, Merrick, had made fun of him.
Mom was wise and said, “Yeah, that never feels very good, does it?”
Jesse shook his head as Mom continued: “So, would you say that Merrick thinks you’re worthwhile or not?”
“Not.”
“I think you’re right,” Mom said. “He doesn’t. So now we get to decide whether Merrick’s opinion of you matters. Who knows you better, Merrick or me?”
“You.”
“And who knows you better, Merrick or God?”
“God.”
“And what do God and I think of you?”
Jesse smiled for the first time in the conversation. “You both love me,” he said.
“A lot, or a little?”
Bigger smile now: “A whole lot.”
So God and I know you, and we think you’re an astonishing kid and amazing human being. You have a generous soul. You bring a light into the world. You’re worth a LOT to us. Whose opinion would matter more, Merrick’s or ours?”
Jesse was on fire now. “Your opinion.”
“In fact,” Mom said, “Merrick doesn’t know you at all. All he knows is that you don’t give him something he wants, so he thinks you’re worthless. He makes fun of you so he feels better about himself. His opinion is blind, selfish, and worthless. What do you think?”
“Yes,” Jesse said.
“So now the next time Merrick makes fun of you, what can you do?”
“I can remember that you know me better, and so does God, and you think I’m pretty great. So what Merrick says doesn’t matter.”
“YES! Right. And what could you say to Merrick when he teases you?”
“I don’t know.”
“You could say, ‘Interesting opinion,’ or ‘I guess you don’t know me very well. Unfortunate for you.’ Or you could just say nothing, remembering that his opinion doesn’t matter. HE matters. He is not worthless or bad, but his opinion of you is.”
Jesse felt quite different the next day, and when Merrick said something unkind to him, he handled it beautifully.
We must be able to teach our children how to handle the negative opinions that other people might have of them. Such opinions WILL be expressed, so our children need to be ready for them and see them for what they are—meaningless, really an expression of the unhappiness of the unkind person and not a true valuation of our child.
