Learn some affirmations, or true statements, that can help a child feel loved and grow to be loving and responsible.
Timestamps:
00:00 Use of affirmations.
01:48 Expressions of hope, not truth. Use the truth instead.
02:41 Examples. The child has to FEEL the truth of them.
Transcript:
Affirmations Are Often Contradictions
A mother wrote me and explained that she was having significant behavior problems with her children. She began to study the Parenting Training, diligently, and her family was responding beautifully. Mom was very teachable.
On one occasion she told me that every day or two she would read to the kids, as a group or individually at bedtime, some affirmations, like these:
I am a child of God, and God loves me.
I am a good person.
I am perfect just the way I am.
You’ve all heard these affirmations, used in support groups, recovery programs, and churches. I can tell you from considerable experience, and from asking the people who use them, that they really do not work.
Thousands of people have now told me that all the affirmation did was contradict everything in the life they knew and became a source of frustration and hypocrisy, not support.
People say, “I am perfect just the way I am,” but they cannot reconcile that statement with their lives full of pain, fear, emptiness, and all the Getting and Protecting Behaviors. How can a life ruled by PCSD be “perfect?” Impossible.
Use True Statements Instead of Affirmations
These affirmations are really just expressions of hope, but rather than use expressions of hope for what might be—but is rarely true in the moment—why not use the TRUTH, which is uniformly more effective.
Let me suggest just a few of thousands of examples of TRUE statements or aphorisms that CAN help a child. These are things the Mom (or Dad) can teach a child to say to him or her (about the parent):
I know you love me the best you can, and I know you're learning to love me better.
(See how that statement is TRUE now. Mom loves the child as well as she can, and she’s learning how to love the child even better. But simply saying that Mom loves the child rings hollow, because to this point in the child’s love, Mom has been angry, impatient, and controlling)
When I remember that you love me, I am happier.
I am so much happier when I'm not angry or whining or pouting or teasing.
I know that you are teaching me how to be happy, now and forever.
I know I can tell you anything about my life—even my mistakes—and you will listen to me, and love me, and help me.
I know that when I am loving, I am happier.
When you love me, I can feel God's love for me. I like that.
Teach your children the truth. Aphorisms or affirmations are great, but they have to be true, and the child has to FEEL the truth of them.
