If you find yourself stressed and you don’t know why, it’s highly likely that you’re dealing with self-deception. Do what it takes to break out of it.
Timestamps:
00:00 Unhappy woman has to control everything and everyone around her but doesn't realize it.
02:46 Not interested in learning, only in being right.
04:08 Excuses used for controlling.
06:42 Finding a wise person to talk to.
Transcript:
The Self-Deception of Controlling Everything
Sarah was having difficulties with her husband and children. As she described her circumstances, it became obvious in about sixty seconds that she controlled EVERYTHING and everyone around her.
She didn’t feel safe—from a lifetime of being criticized and controlled—so she responded by controlling everything she could. That gave her a brief illusion of safety and power, but it never lasted, and it certainly didn’t contribute to closeness in any of her relationships.
In frustration, she said, “I don’t know what to do.”
It’s notable that she talked for quite a while before saying that. First she blamed everyone for not doing what she wanted, for making her life difficult, and so on.
Normally I don’t let people go on and on in their blaming, but I wanted HER to see how dedicated she was to controlling—convicted out of her own mouth.
But finally, she did say that she didn’t know what to do. What did she mean by that? She really meant, “I don’t know how to control these people so they don’t ignore me, disregard me, and make me feel powerless. I want a better way to control them.”
Notice that she didn’t really ask for help. That would have looked something like this: “I’m pretty lost here. I don’t really know how to have healthy relationships. Would you be willing to show me?”
What she said wasn’t even close to that, but when somebody talks to me about an issue at all, and especially if then they say they don’t know what to do, I take the initiative and assume that they’re asking for help, even though she wasn’t.
She just wanted me to help her control people, and to confirm that people did not treat her as she deserved.
I said: “You don’t trust anybody.”
“Yes, I do,” she said.
To all of you: Pay attention to how people behave, not just their words. Her words described how unfair her life was. Her behavior—anger and arguing with me—proved that she wasn’t interested in learning, only in being right.
Clearly she did NOT trust anybody, because her entire being was defensive and attacking all day. Was she aware that she was controlling and arguing? No.
Self-Deception and Relabeling to Be Right
You might think that she couldn’t miss the hundreds of clues she left around every day. After all, she was THERE for all the times she controlled, and other people certainly behaved as though she were controlling. How could she not see it?
Because in her tightly controlled world, where she was always right, it would be unacceptable for her to be seen as controlling. No, if she admitted that, she couldn’t hold the moral high ground in blaming everyone else.
So what did she do? She continued to control, but she used “trying to do the right thing” and “helping other people to do the right thing” as her cover story. She really thought she was trying to do good in the world. She was completely self-deceived.
You need to know that when people are self-deceived, by definition they are not aware of it. If they KNEW they were deceiving themselves, that would be just ordinary, garden-variety lying.
But this woman—like most people caught in the trap of pain and PCSD—lived in a tiny, protected world where she defined everything she did and everything that happened to her.
She just relabeled everything to fit into the world she had constructed to make her safe and confident, however superficially. So:
What was really controlling became in her world “helping people.”
Anger became “a passion to do the right thing.”
Impatience became “eagerness to motivate people.”
Always being right became “trying to keep people informed.”
And on and on.
Is There a Way Out of Self-Deception?
So is there a way out of self-deception? If you live in your own tiny box, where you have created the space and constructed all the furniture, how would you ever realize that you were IN such a box?
You’d have to get the help of someone Not-in-the-box. You’d need someone to care about you enough to tell you the truth. And someone with the insight to see you. And someone who had the COURAGE to tell you the truth.
It’s hard to find someone with such courage, because if you’re self-deceived, you will NOT receive the news about it gladly. You’ll defend yourself, and most people aren’t willing to continue telling the truth while being attacked.
How would you find such a person? Look for someone who gives strong indications of self-worth, who doesn’t need to please other people, and who seems to have a clear direction in life without controlling other people.
In short, look for someone not buzzing with Getting and Protecting Behaviors, and ASK that person if they’d be willing to help you see the truth. Preferably someone familiar with Real Love, only because such a person would tend to know what to look for.
It is nearly impossible for us to spot our own self-deception. To do that alone usually requires our box to be destroyed: serious illness, drug addiction, near death, suicidal thoughts, and so on.
If you find yourself stressed and you don’t know why, it’s highly likely that you’re self-deceived. It’s a very common condition. Do what it takes to wake up, for your own benefit and for the well-being of those around you, including your children.
