Childhood is where children learn how the world is, and how to behave in it. Every event is important. There are no little things.
Timestamps:
00:00 Example of how a mother effectively and lovingly interacted with her whining 2 year old.
09:11 Consequences for a whining teen.
Transcript:
Pay Attention to the Little Things
Mother writes about Ella, her daughter who is about 2 ½ years old.
“She got up this morning and walked to the refrigerator, where she stood and pointed.”
Greg: Hey, that’s actually a good start. Children are often cranky when they get up. Many kids just cry, which is NOT appropriate at 30 months. They can speak about 200+ words, so they have no excuse to just cry. If you have a child doing that regularly—which would include LOTS of kids—that means you’re enabling them. We don’t speak Whine in this house, and a two-year-old is NOT too young to understand that. Really. Pointing works.
“I asked her what she wanted, and she said, Fig.”
Greg: Very cool. She used an English word. (Until I was 40, I thought figs just grew inside fig newtons.)
Mom: “I got out a couple of figs and offered one to her, and she did that move kids do so well. Hard to describe in words, sort of like a convulsive, flailing grunt.
Greg: Nice description. We’ve all seen it many times. When they’re older they do the same move when a sibling dares to touch them. (shoulder shrug and scowl and noise)
“So I stop what I'm doing, and I do not give her the fig.”
Gestures are Important Little Things to Notice
Greg: Bless you. How few parents understand the dangers of a seemingly innocent gesture like that. It seems so small, but fast forward. Really. When you have a daughter who is entitled, picky, has to have everything exactly her way, demanding, and impossible, where do you think that BEGAN? It began with the convulsive flailing at age TWO. Not kidding. Every flood begins with one drop. Every fatal cancer begins with mutation of a single cell. We MUST pay attention to any childhood behavior that is not loving or responsible. We don’t always have to address it—like if the child is just sick or tired or the unloving behavior is a rare exception—but most of the time, yes, we do need to address it. You DID. Bravo.
Mom: I talked to her about how that move—and I mimicked it
Greg: Oh, stop me. Beautiful. Often they act like (innocently), “Mother, what are you talking about? What move? What whining? I am confused, my mother.” But if you mimic it—not snottily, just duplicating the move—there is no doubt what you’re talking about next.
Back to Mom, who said, “I talked to her about how that move—and I mimicked it—is not speaking English words. That move is part of Whine language, and if she wants to continue she may, but you have to do in your bedroom, where you can speak whine language to yourself. Or you can use Real Word (good term) right now.”
Greg: VERY good. You explain that it’s Whine, but not too many instances in a row, because then they’re making you do the work. After a few times, you just say, “English” or “Real words” or “big girl words.” That’s all, because she already KNOWS what you’re talking about. Don’t keep explaining it. So let’s assume you haven’t over-explained. Now she has a choice.
Mom: She made the “move” again, so I said, Okay, you go to your room and Whine there. I’ll wait for you out here, until you can speak English. I hope you come back soon an She hated that, and then she did that rapid-fire repeating thing: All done all done all done alldone alldone alldone while crying. I talked to her about how that—which I mimicked—is not English either, so “Bye, I’ll see you soon, I hope.”
Greg: Again, excellent. NO whining. It’s a poison, that spreads into everything. It becomes victimhood, and entitlement, and anger, and all the rest.
Mom: I have to pay close attention to my tone of voice, because if I’m in a bad mood, she is less cooperative.
Greg: Good point. If you’re not truly present, her fussiness will be far more likely. Lots of proactive time.
Mom: So she goes to her room, calms down, and comes back out. She says, “Fig,” I get one, and give it to her. She starts with the “move” again. This time I just lift my eyebrows and say, “Is that English?” Done. The rest of the morning went fine.
Greg: Sometimes you have to do the sending-to-her-room thing several times. But you can’t finish until she has STOPPED whining. It’s so worth it. Congratulations on handling that beautifully.
Everyone: This would not be a lot different with a teenager, although you might vary the consequences. Any shrugging, sighing, exasperation, you hold out your hand: “Phone.” or “How LONG would you like to be without any screen time? You can make it short now, or keep it up and make it very long.”
Childhood is where children learn how the world is, and how to behave in it. Every event is important. There are no little things. We just need to pay attention and continue loving and teaching.
Great lesson.