Priorities

You can’t administer the teaching of your child if you don’t feel peace, which requires that you are feeling loved: believe it, remember it, remind yourself of it. 

Timestamps:  

00:42 Ask yourself, "How do I want to feel?"  

02:47 Five feelings that are universally desirable.  

04:10 Figure out the obstacles to these 5 feelings.  

10:52 You need to feel loved first. 

Transcript:

Focus on Feeling Loved 

I received this letter from a mother:  

“This morning was absolute chaos. I’m running around trying to get three children ready for school: clothes out, teeth brushed, breakfast eaten, on and on and on, while repeating myself over and over. And I’m distracted by some phone calls I have to make for my home business this morning. And I see my husband over there, watching something on YouTube while we’re all racing to get ready. Sometimes I just want to scream.”  

Rather than answer this particular mother, I’m going to talk to all of us. Henry David Thoreau once said, “Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand.”  

Wise. We simply cannot attend to a hundred things at one time. We’re doing quite well if we can adequately focus on ONE, which means we must choose which ONE thing to focus ON at any given time.

Some people might call that “setting priorities,” but the phrase has become so commonly used that it’s become annoying not helpful. Let me make it simpler.  

It’s not about what I’m going to DO next. That immediately brings into view hundreds of possibilities, which is exactly what Thoreau recommended against—as do I.  

What if instead we first asked, “How do I want to FEEL?”  

How did this mother who wrote me feel? Chaotic, stressed, pressured, afraid, angry, confused. Anybody LIKE those feelings?

 Actually, some people do. They like the drama of chaos and crisis, but do you really want those feelings and the consequences of them: disorder, physical stress, exhaustion, fear, physical illness, constant turmoil, panic? Nah, nobody wants that for long.

They want the drama occasionally, but without the consequences, and the universe doesn’t have laws that operate that way.  

Feeling Loved in Chaos—Impossible 

So back to the question: How do you want to FEEL? Let’s go over some feelings that I have learned are universally desirable, even necessary, after uncounted thousands of conversations:  

1. Peace. Priceless. Even better than joyful, because joy builds on peace. No real joy without peace first. You can be misled by excitement, for example, thinking it’s joy, but peace is harder to counterfeit. We all want peace of mind, for sure—regardless of the circumstances around us. Do we get peace running around getting kids ready for school or bed or whatever? No.  
2. Loved. Can we feel unconditional love while running around in a panic? 
3.  Loving. Can we be focused on unconditional love other people while focused on accomplishing endless tasks, and as fast as we can go? 
4.  Responsible. Can we take responsibility for how we feel in the midst of chaos and turmoil? 
5.  Happy. Impossible while stressed, angry, and so on.  

Eliminate the Obstacles to Feeling Loved 

Figure out obstacles to above, and eliminate those. Obstacles are the first thing that has to go, even before building peace or love or anything else.  For example:

• Build a house on lake bed? No. Eliminate the shifting foundation FIRST.  
• Tallest building in world is in Dubai. Before they could build, they had to drive hundreds of pylons hundreds of feet into sand. 
•  Build an engine? First make sure work environment is clean. A handful of sand ends it all.  

Let’s apply the elimination of obstacles to this mother and her chaotic mornings. 

• Have to eliminate all the chaos and yelling and rushing. 
•  One at a time, identify and eliminate the causes. I’ve gone over preparing kids before, so I’ll just touch on some of the things we can do.  

Teaching Kids to Get Ready for School 

I talked to mother YESTERDAY who was late to her Skype call with me. Why?  

Her: “Sorry, I was rushing to get my son out the door to the school bus.” 

I thought, Really? Hmm, doubt any of that is necessary. How old is your son? 13. LOLOLOL. If he were given instructions to a place out in the desert 10 miles away, and he was promised $1000 if he got there at 8:30 am, would he make it? YES. He’d get there the day before and CAMP OUT there.

So Mom is rescuing kid from something he CAN do by himself. She is CAUSING her own chaos, and his, but not teaching and requiring responsibility.  

Why teach responsibility? Because it will lead to greater PEACE, which is how she wants to feel.  

How teach that in this case? 

1. Stop making excuses for your kids. 
2.  Teach them to be responsible. No more “helping” them get ready, and you stop helping according to their age, but mostly you don’t do anything to help by age 3-4.  

If they go to SCHOOL, they’re old enough to GET READY for school. Pretty simple, eh?  

How do they manage at school without you? Exactly.  

How do you teach them how to get ready? Instruct them ONCE.

• Get up earlier.
•  Get clothing and everything ready night before. 

Now, “I will never tell you that again. I will not even look to SEE if you’re ready for the bus. If you’re late, there are many possibilities:  

1. Walk
2. Taxi 
3. Bicycle
4. Stay home, and lose electronics completely for a week."  

You figure it out, but if you make it very unpleasant for your CHILD to miss the bus, he’ll stop.  

This is just getting ready for school. It applies to meals, leaving for appointments, and on and on.  

PEACE is the priority, and you get there with loving and teaching.  

The Absolute Importance of Feeling Loved 

Now, another priority. YOU can’t administer the teaching of all this if YOU don’t feel peace, which requires that YOU feel loved, believe it, remember it, remind yourself of it.  

YOU are their foundation.  

All this is one at a time. You feeling loved is first thing in the day.  

Simpler.