Being afraid of your own children is one of the most serious and common problems of being parents. And it’s uniformly destructive to us and to them.
Timestamps:
00:00 Adult child challenges and criticizes mother.
04:29 Mother is NOT trapped to listen to her endless whining, examples of what to do.
05:58 Mother admits being afraid of the daughter.
08:09 Why she feels trapped and what to do differently.
Transcript:
This is about an adult child and their parent. It’s likely that either you have an adult child, or you ARE the adult child of your own parent. You’ll learn either way.
Being Afraid of Your Own Children
Mother: When my adult daughter, Grace, comes to our house, she often asks me very direct questions about what I’m doing and why. Sometimes it seems intrusive and challenging on her part.
Greg: She IS challenging you and criticizing you. I know her. She’s not just asking questions. Her tone often translates to this: “You stupid old woman, can you not see that you do everything wrong, and that I’m smarter and better than you?” She’s only distantly aware of that message, but she still does it.
Mother: I get afraid when she confronts me. It’s kind of aggressive.
Greg: Being afraid of your own children is one of the most serious and common problems of being parents. And it’s uniformly destructive to us and to them. Makes us feel small, and then we can’t love them. And it artificially makes them feel powerful, and they like that temporary hit of control, so then they’re even more likely to do it again.
Mother: Let me give a specific example:
We were having a birthday party for my husband, Charles, the other day, and we invited the kids over. My oldest daughter came in obviously angry and upset. I gave her a hug and asked her about it. Then we worked in the kitchen while she talked about how upset she was.
Greg: Clearly she needs your affection, and wants it. In the process, though, she’s almost certain to challenge your love at every opportunity. She did NOT feel loved by you for nearly all her life, and now she’s still skeptical that you really do love her. She carries the past around with her like a precious bag of garbage she won’t let go of, so you can expect accusations and challenges, testing whether you love her—mostly unconsciously.
Being Afraid to Offend Your Child
Mother: Other kids arrived and were talking in another room. I asked if she wanted to join them, and I would do the cooking. The truth is that I have very little capacity to listen to her talk about how terrible her ex is, the complicated paperwork of her divorce, how awful her ex is (again), and how annoying his stupid lawyer is.
Greg: You hate hearing her victimhood. Partly you feel responsible for it. AND you feel helpless to do anything that would make a difference for her. You don’t know how to respond to her. You got tired of her talking about her upcoming divorce, and her complaining, and you wanted her out of the room. But you were afraid to offend her, so you made the suggestion that she go talk with her siblings.
Mother: Later she asked me, “When you suggested that I join the other kids, did you want me to leave the kitchen?"
Greg: She caught you in your lie. You were not telling the truth about yourself. You lied to her, and she could feel it.
One reason you hate listening to her victimhood—in addition to the ones I’ve already stated—is that you feel TRAPPED once she starts complaining. Victims always trap the listener, because they DEMAND an audience. Makes them feel more powerful, or really less powerless.
It can make a big difference to you to know that you don’t HAVE to listen to her endlessly whine. You think you’re trapped, but you’re not. You have so many choices. A few examples:
- Go take a rest in your bedroom.
- Go into the next room and talk to some kids while you assign somebody to go to kitchen and do work. They’re going to eat. They can help.
- Plan AHEAD of time so that you’re not trapped in the kitchen. Have kids bring individual dishes of food. Do takeout. Whatever makes less stress for you. Then you’re not trapped in the kitchen.
You trapped yourself in the kitchen with her. YOU did that—although in your defense you might not have seen other choices—and then you tried to lie your way out by manipulating her to go spend time with siblings.
YOU Decide What You Want to Talk About and Keep It Real
Mother: The truth was yes, I wanted her out of the kitchen.....and I said no, I just wondered if she wanted to be with her brothers and sisters.
Greg: Lied again, to cover up the first lie.
If you don’t want her there, you have to balance risks and benefits.
She does need listening. It IS a chance to communication that you care about her.
But you need your sanity.
It’s fluid. Make your decisions as you go. DECIDE where you want to be, and what you want to talk about, instead of letting her decide.
Mother: I don't know what the loving thing would have been.
Greg: She’s a flaming victim. You know that. Spend time with her—knowing she will whine—or not. But if you do spend time, do it FREELY, then when you’ve got your fill, you do something else.
Greg: In the time you DO talk to her, remember that you’re her mother, so listening is your job. If she can't talk to you, who can she talk to? You don't have to fix things. You don't have to agree. Just listen as long as you can do it freely.
Mother: Everything, almost, with her is victim and drama and the things I do are always wrong in her eyes.
Greg: And yet we still have to listen to them. For as long as we can be loving. If she’s whining about YOU, different rules do come into play.
You can say, "Yes, I screwed up in the past. Now I’ve learned some stuff. So now it’s your job to believe that, or you lose." If she just distrusts you all the time, she’ll never see evidence that anything has changed. When she accuses you of not loving her, you ADMIT that you didn’t, but now you’re learning. Over and over. You do NOT argue about her accusations of past. (“Well, it wasn’t that bad, blablabla) Just admit you screwed up and move to present.
When You Are Afraid You are Victimizing Your Child
Mother: Another question from her: "Do you tell everyone in RL about the details of my divorce?" I have told two people about it, not all the details. But I feel so obligated to answer her questions, which will just make her angry. Maybe I don’t have to answer her question, knowing that she is afraid and drowning, so she won’t understand my answer.
Greg: You do NOT have to answer questions when you know the answer will hurt her. But in this case, not answering will be worse than a wise answer. You could so easily say, "No, I don't share your business with everybody. But I have discussed it with a couple of close friends, (1) because they would never tell others, and (2) because I need support myself in order to be strong enough for you." DONE
Greg: If she tries to make you feel guilty, or asks you more questions about the one subject, you just what I said. YOU need support, SHE needs it, and that involves you talking with a few good friends. Then she chooses whether to feel victimized or not. You CANNOT control people choosing to be victims. You’re AFRAID of her acting victimized by you. STOP IT. She feels victimized by breathing, and that’s not your responsibility anymore.
Mother: My answer was that I talk to people about things that affect me to get help. She made a comment about it's nobody's business, and she wants to tell me details about what is happening in her life but doesn't trust that I won't talk about it.
The Key: You Can’t Be Afraid
Greg: The key here is that you can't be afraid. None. You repeat the above. You say that YOU need support just like she does, and NOBODY is talking about her. Then it's up to her whether she wants to talk or not. See how clean that is?
Mother: By then I was losing it, said 'see ya' and left the house for many hours.
Greg: That sucks. The family gathers for a fun time, and YOU (mom) stomp out of the house. No fun, eh? But you didn’t understand as well as you do now. You’ll do better next time. Done.
Mother: It feels like she is a 500 lb. weight and I can only lift 100 lbs. and I have nothing to give, don't want to get together or have her in this house anytime soon.
Greg: You could do that. Or next time prepare for her better, as we’ve discussed. If she’s pushy, say something like what I said above, and then LET HER REACTION GO. All you can do is to make your choice as loving as possible. You want to avoid her disapproval, and you have to let go of that. You’re not the boss of her choices.
YOU are creating the tension by taking responsibility for her disapproval, anger, anguish about divorce, etc. Listen and be DONE.
For all of us, the formula is simple:
Be yourself. Be constantly improving on yourself.
Let other people be themselves and don’t take responsibility for who they are (although we kind of are with younger children).
Then enjoy your life. Eliminate all the pain and fear you can so you can discover who you really are. Enjoy that.
