Touching Private Parts

Learn what to do about the inevitable curiosity of little children and how to prepare them.

MomTimestamps:

00:00 Young siblings in the bath together seen touching private parts.

01:19 Mother asks daughter about it and her negative response.

02:43 Mother calmly tells her to take as long as she needs until she's ready to talk about it.

06:30 Mother asks son about it - how to help him start talking.

08:51 Teaching metaphor of age and driver's license.

09:18 Guidelines for touching others.

10:40 Kids to admit to each other what happened.

12:22 Sex is an enormous source of Imitation Love.

Transcript:

From a mother educated in the REPT:  

Siblings Touching Private Parts 

Mom: I have suspected something for a while but last night my husband saw it happening while the kids were in the bath together. The 5-year-old girl was touching 7-year-old boy’s penis.  

Greg: Unavoidable event resulting from inevitable curiosity.  

(Now, I say that in a situation where the kids were not previously prepared for this. Mom had never brought up the subject, nor dad. So inevitable curiosity naturally resulted in this incident.) 

But back to reality. It DID happen, so now the question is, what do you do about it?  

Mom: I didn't see it, and I knew husband wouldn’t address it, so within half an hour of it happening, I asked daughter what happened. She said she didn't want to tell me. She was upset about it.  

Greg: Which proves to you that she KNOWS that there’s something not quite right about it. So you see that? (Everybody) If the daughter had cleaned up the bedroom of her brother—a known good behavior—she wouldn't have been reluctant to talk about it. We hide what we feel some shame about.  

Mom: I decided not to be afraid or irritated, so I just said, "That's ok, you can take as long as you want you need until you’re ready to talk about it. You can sit on your bed in your room until you're ready to find me and talk to me." 

Helping Your Child Talk About Touching Private Parts 

Greg: Good for you. Beautifully done. The angels sing. You gave her time to think, gave her an environment (her room) where she wouldn’t be distracted or forget, and gave her clear instructions to come and get you when she was ready. (This would NOT be helpful if there were ANY negative tone in Mom’s voice. It would then just be a punishment.) 

Mom: I could see that she didn't feel good about it—probably the event and also talking to me about it—but I reaffirmed that I loved her more than anything, and she could tell me anything, and I wouldn’t be angry at her. I worried that putting her in her room to think would be confusing, because sometimes that is the consequence for her behaving badly with her siblings.  

Greg: Yes, that can be confusing, if the same action is sometimes used for a consequence but at other times for other reasons. It all depends on you. They won't feel punished IF your tone and facial expression conveys your love for them. And using the same behavior for multiple purposes is unavoidable. They use their room to sleep, as a place to cool down, as a place to think, as a place to get away from the noise and tumult of the house, place to read, and so on. Kids understand multiple uses for one place or thing.  

Mom: She did say she was afraid of getting a consequence, but I said, “I’m here to love you, and to teach you. That’s all we’re going to do.”  

Greg: Perfect.  

Mom: Then she told me that she touched his penis and that he had looked at her vagina. 

Greg: Again, unavoidable curiosity, especially if they haven't previously been told about touching private parts.  

Mom: I've always let the kids jump in the bath on their own quite often as I’m doing something else. It’s convenient, and they enjoy the playing.  

Speak About Specifics

Mom: My son has touched the private parts of little girls at school, and we spoke to him in general terms, which didn’t seem to sink in much.  

Greg: You do have to get specific. Kids don’t understand generalities as well as specifics.  

Mom: I put Son in his room and said that he had to think about what he had done that made his sister upset. He knew what I was talking about. I could tell by his face, and I was asking him shortly after the bath. He admitted to things like “I was teasing her” but he did not come out with touching her. 

Greg: Again proof that he somehow knew he was wrong. And extra wrong, because notice that he did admit to teasing her, which he knows is not loving.  

You have to TELL him that you KNOW he touched her, and she touched him. Asking him questions is far less productive. You might say, "You're NOT bad. I just didn't teach you enough that there are some things that are private (define if needed). There are some things you do only in certain place, or with certain people, or when you're old enough." 

Every kid understands—and you could use this as an example—that you can't drive a car when you're 8. They know they can't poop on the living room carpet (private). Similarly, you don't EVER touch another person's private parts, until you're MARRIED to them, as an adult. Such touching is a private, special, sacred thing that partners do, but not with anybody else.  

Mom: Then my daughter came out of her room to me while with her brother. I asked her to tell brother what happened. She said, “I touched your penis." 

Mom to her: “And what else?”  

Girl: “And you looked in my vagina.”  

Then the boy admitted it, and Mom talked about private parts again with both of them.  

She explained that curiosity is normal, but now they understand privacy and sacred, so they won’t be doing that anymore.  

Greg: Brilliant. You might have them bathe separately, now that you know what’s happened, and that your son has touched girls at school.  

Keep Talking To and Preparing Your Children

AND ask periodically in the future whether they have remembered the discussion and whether they have touched anybody else. This is not a one-time conversation.  

This is not a moral, ethical, or religious set of values I’m recommending.  

Sex is simply an enormous source of Imitation Love—excitement, pleasure, sight, touch, power. 

It becomes addictive as quickly as cocaine and harder to stop.  

Innumerable studies show that premature sexual activity is harmful to children. Interferes with their self-esteem and with their ability to have healthy relationships. That’s big stuff, and it’s OUR responsibility to prepare them to avoid such unhappiness.