Here are some great ideas to help you increase the "loving" while you loveandteach your child.
Timestamps:
00:00 Fun is a big part of loving.
01:19 "I love you" is often an introduction to a criticism.
02:29 Goal of an activity is to deliver connection.
03:31 Use a fun activity to educate.
04:31 Find fun ways to tell them you love them. Examples.
Transcript:
When children are behaving badly, it is SO easy to focus on the “bad” behavior: arguing, whining, hitting sibling, not doing assignment but playing video games instead.
Even when we love and teach, we find it easier—more measurable, more concrete—to teach, and forget the love the child needs. Normal.
How to Increase the Loving
So what can we do to increase the loving, which makes the LEARNING more likely. Teaching is easy, but without love, there is no listening or learning.
A big and often neglected part of loving is . . . FUN. Kids love fun, so why wouldn’t they want to be loved in a fun way. I have watched parents say “I love you” in words to their kids, and very, very often it happens like this:
“I love you, BUT I need to talk to you about . . .”
“I love you” spoken as the child is going to bed.
“I love you” as the almost obligated end of a text or other communication.
Not fun.
Pretty much kids hate it when there’s no fun.
How to Be Loving AND Have Fun with Your Kids
So how can you have fun with your kids?
Oh sure, you can do activities, and I’m not diminishing the benefit of those. But I have heard thousands of accounts from children, their parents, and adult children remembering the activities of their childhood, and the activities are not what touches a child.
But we still need to do them, but not to DO them. They are simply ways of delivering connection and loving.
Pinterest activities for your child.
OBSERVE what they like to do, and do it with them.
Dads for example wouldn't ordinarily have it pop into their minds, “Why don't I have a tea party with my daughter and her dolls?” But if he's paying attention at all, he'll see that she does that. And if he brings up the possibility of him doing it with her, which she might not, that can turn into a pretty fun activity. Guys who do tea parties with their daughter’s dolls are pretty cool as long as your daughter is there.
Educate them
That's another activity that we can do this often neglected. My grandchildren for example, when they come we go out into the woods and we walk and talk and hold hands. I teach them about things, about that tree and how that tree is different from that tree. And do you see why that tree branches in this way and that tree branches another way do you see why this tree has branches only on one side of the tree?
And there are fun ways to educate our kids, which of course requires that we know something and if you don't it's pretty easy these days to look up on the internet and find information about anything.
So my grandchildren know how to operate a chainsaw and mix concrete and what trees are like because those are activities I like and then we also do activities that they like to do and we look stuff up on the internet.
But the most fun thing. Fun ways to tell them you love them.
Keep in mind as I list a few that one key activity to really fun things is often that they are unexpected. Gift at birthday is nice, but doesn’t have nearly the impact of a gift out of the blue, for no reason except that “I love you.
I think of difference with Donna and having dinner:
1. Want to have dinner? Caring but not unexpected or any effort to be fun and surprising.
Vs.
2. What would you like for dinner? She names a couple of general categories.
“Hey, that’s a great idea. (Because I know her favorites) The Mexican place should be here in the next five minutes with the order I made for both of us.”
Fun Ways to Tell Your Kids You Love Them
Now, how to tell kids you love them in fun and unexpected ways:
- Sit outside in the evening. Quiet, dark. Reach out your hand, hold theirs tenderly. “I love looking the stars. It’s all so big. Reminds me of how much I love you. Like crazy?”
- You have a conversation with child about . . . whatever (school, friends, video game). Look them in the eye. “I’ve really enjoyed this conversation with you.” Touch hand, wiggle your fingers. Get IN there emotionally.
- Hold out your hands. “How much?” Puzzled look. “How much do I love you?” Big grin as you spread your hands out to infinity.
- In car while they’re talking, “Hey!” Quiet. “What have I told you guys?” Pause. “That I love you more than anything.”
- Child enters the room. You’re obviously busy reading or working on dinner. You STOP everything. “I was just reading/working, and do you know what occurred to me?”“ Pause. “How much I love seeing you come into the room.
- You’re sitting at dining room table. “Know what my favorite thing is about this meal?” Pause. “You, being here with you.”
- You walk into the room, kid is sitting on the couch, you plop down right next to them, so close it moves them a bit, squishing. Put arm around them. “I am so glad to see you.”
- Child enters the room, you throw your arms around them. If young, you drag them to floor, look in eyes, touch the center of their chest and say, “You. I love YOU.”
- Bedtime stories. Find a great story somewhere, and tell it to them, instead of reading, but using their name as the hero.
- Child drops something a breaks it. One look at face tells you child devastated. You rush to their side and say, “I’ll help you pick it up. You are way more important than this thing.”
- Errands. Take them with you. Hold hand as you drive and in store.
- Misdirection. “Do you have your phone on you?” (Child expects some kind of grilling) You just sit on his/her lap. “You need squeezing.” (What about phone?) “I was just making you think of something else so this would be a surprise.
- Describing their Gifts. (We’ve talked) “You are so observant, freakishly.”
- Child leaving for school. You pull out a small, favorite toy and say, “Put this in your pocket. During the day reach in and feel it and remember that I love you.”
You get the feel here. There are thousands of ways to do this. It’s not just teaching. It’s not just caring in your heart for them, although that’s huge, because they can FEEL it. SHOW them that you love them. Do it in a fun way.
Watch a child who is not having fun. They hate it. When you create fun, you’re introducing MORE than what they even know they want or need.
(Enter room) "Oh, I was hoping it was you.” Throw them on couch and smother with kisses, poking face, laughing. “I'm so glad that you're in my family.”
Fun is self-rewarding AND makes it possible for them to be free of fear so they can hear the teaching.
Mother wrote to me:
"I practiced doing something you recommended to me. I get emotional when I even think the words. I was with the kids the other day and said to them, 'You have no idea how much I enjoy being with you kids. What a pleasure you are to me in my life.' What better gift is there, than to know someone loves being with you, you are a treasure to them, they love you. I have to practice more, giving this gift to them. These moments are sweet and moving and make me cry."
Love your kids. Teach them. And have fun doing it.
