Judgments vs Information

Learning to tell the difference between judgments and information and teaching this to our children will guarantee their happiness.

Timestamps:

00:00 Father says his son doesn't listen to him.

03:14 Father's interaction with the son when he bullied sister.

04:18 Why Dad wasn't effective.

05:12 Learning to play the piano metaphor.

06:34 How to teach a child without being judgmental.

Transcript:

Mike said to me, “My son Josh just doesn’t seem to listen when I try to help him see what he’s doing wrong.”  

Judgments, Teaching and Refusing to Listen

I said, “Well, let’s see if we can figure out why. For one thing, you’ve only recently been watching the REPT, so you’re kind of new at this. It’s only natural that sometimes you might not be loving as you teach him. Not your fault. That make sense to you?” 

He said, “Yeah, I suppose so,” but his tone of voice clearly communicated that he had told me about his son so that I would be sympathetic about how difficult the kid was being for his father.”  

Mike described how Josh picks on his younger sister, younger by years.   

**Teasing and bullying are VERY tempting. If a kid doesn’t feel loved, picking on a younger sibling yields a feeling of temporary power that is almost irresistible.  

I asked Mike for examples of his behavior.  

Unkind, teases her, points out what she does wrong, if she does almost anything, it inconveniences him, and he gets annoyed. He bristles at her when she breathes.  

Me to Mike: More specific example of a single interaction.   

**Why did I ask? The devil is in the details. It’s often in single sentences people speak, or brief interactions, that they demonstrate where they really are, not what they claim to be doing overall.  

Mike: The other day, Josh was playing a video game, and she asked him a question. He barked at her, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” 

Me: What did you say then?”  

Mike: “I took him aside and tried not to be angry.  

(Never works)  

Dad continued, "and I pieced together some of the exact sentences he spoke—not all of them, but enough to give you a flavor."  

Dad said to his son:  

You’re not being loving. (True or not true? True)  

You’re only thinking of yourself. (True) 

You have an unkind tone of voice. (True) 

If she asks you a question, you get irritated and make her feel bad. (True) 

So Josh WAS selfish in all those ways.  

How Judgments Make a Child Deaf to Learning

If his father told him the TRUTH—if he TAUGHT him—why didn’t Josh just say, “Thanks, Dad. I didn’t see that I was selfish, but now I do, and from now on I’ll be kind to my sister”? 

1. Dad was pretty inexperienced at loving, and I could tell from his tone of voice with ME that when he spoke to Josh, he was not feeling loving. That pretty much guarantees that Josh will hear the “I don’t love you” message from Mike. And then Josh defends, dad pushes harder, more defending from kid, more controlling from father. The great Whirlpool of Death.  

So one reason Josh didn’t listen well was lack of LOVING on Dad’s part.  

2. How about the teaching part? How was Mike teaching his son? To illustrate, let’s imagine that I’m teaching you to play the piano. You sit down and begin attempting to read the notes on the page, and I pepper you with comments like:  

“Too slow.”  

“No, wrong note.”  

“No, wrong fingering.”  

“Too fast.”  

“Out of rhythm.”  

How do you think this is going to go, you learning to play the piano from me? It will go very badly, partly from my not being loving, but partly from the tools I’m using. I’m not telling you HOW to play better. I’m not giving you the INFORMATION you need in order to play the piano. 

Instead I’m giving you—more like hitting you—with JUDGMENTS, with evaluations of how your playing is good or bad, which are not helpful. And it’s unavoidable that you would take those as judgments of whether YOU are worthwhile.  

That’s what Mike was doing with his son, giving him JUDGMENTS, not information. Let’s illustrate, using the exact phrases Mike used, as how we as parents can offer helpful information instead.  

Remember, Dad said:  

• You’re not being loving. (Judgment, you’re bad, not useful information about how to behave better)
• You’re only thinking of yourself. (Same) 
• You have an unkind tone of voice. (same) 
• If she asks you a question, you get irritated and make her feel bad. (same) 

How to Avoid Throwing Judgments at Our Children

If we want to be more effective parents, we need to avoid throwing judgments at our children.  

Example: What could Mike have said to Josh that would have been teaching information, rather than pronouncing judgments?  

• Put his arm around him. (Loving) 
• Look him in the eye (you too). 

ASK Josh (tone): “What did you just say to your sister.” (Within seconds, so he WILL know.) 

Josh: I don’t know. 

Mike (smiling): Yes, you know what you said. Take a minute.  

Help him get to exactly, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” (With the tone, disarming when you’re not irritated.  

Mike to Josh: “Did you see her face when you said that? Do you know how she felt, or what she heard from you when you said that?”  

Josh: No.  

Help him: “If I said that to you when I was busy, how would YOU feel?” 

He’ll need help, because he’ll find it difficult to admit how he’d feel or what he’d hear, because he knows he’d be admitting what SHE heard and felt. But keep going until he sees that she would have heard at LEAST the following: (NO TONE) 

• “You are such a pest.” (You’re defective) 
• “You mean so little to me.” 
• “This video game is far more important to me than you are.”  
• Blablabla 

(Notice all the information, not judgments) 

To Josh (or your child): Do you WANT to intentionally say those things to her?  

No.  

“Now that you know what really happened, how could you do it differently next time?” 

He definitely will need help here, but include:  

1. Could have just stopped or paused or lost the game, and answered her question.
2. Could have worked out ahead of time a code in family meeting. Hold up 2 fingers, or whatever, to indicate that you’ll be free to answer question in 2 mins. 
3.  Could have just answered the question: “It’s in the closet.” “Three.” (Hot dogs) 

To Josh: And if you did one of those things, what would she hear?  

That she matters.  

To Josh: And how would YOU feel if you did one of those things.  

Thoughtful, peaceful, not angry, kind.  

We just changed the entire discussion from hurling judgments (Mike) to loving and teaching.  

Beautiful.  

Of course, we also need to teach children not to pester another child who is obviously doing something else. “I have a brief question” as intro. Make it a brief answer.  

SO

(1) WE need not to hurl judgments.  

(2) We need to teach our children how to ignore judgments and not be injured by them.   

• Teacher at school or sibling snaps judgment at child.  
• Teach child to remember that people speak badly only when they’re in pain. Not personal 

(3) Teach kids not to speak judgments to others (which we just did with Josh about his sister). 

Discerning Between Judgments and Information

Another father wrote me about his own individual learnings:  

“I never have really understood the difference between useful advice and a judgement. All my life I just accepted the judgments of others, but now I see that judgments are not acts of unconditional love. I am learning not to care about or react to other people's judgments. I am loving this!” 

Me to him: Listening to judgments is an old habit that you learned from childhood when people judged you. Often the judgments were hidden in facial expressions and tones of voice.  

Judgments are unavoidably felt as praise or—more often—criticism, both of which are crippling. We get addicted to getting praise and avoiding disapproval—all from judgments. Information doesn’t cause those addictions.  

He responded: This new way of thinking requires a high level of ownership (of my feelings) and accountability for my choices.  

We CAN learn how to discern between judgments and information. We can learn to love and TEACH, not judge. We can teach our children to do the same, and how to respond to the judgments of others. That’s a LOT.