Greg helps a mother understand how to help her daughter recognize when she is being mean and to admit when she NEEDS to be right.
Timestamps:
00:00 Mother intervenes when she hears daughters laughing about fat people.
03:06 Mom points out how ugly she is being.
04:33 Daughter addicted to being right, mom points it out.
06:28 The more words people use, the more they're defending themselves.
08:15 Being a rock or being human.
10:04 Giving consequences for being defensive instead of honest.
Transcript:
Mother wrote and said, “The other day I was listening to my two girls as they were looking at a catalogue of college merchandise. They saw some clothing sized XXL.
Mocking and Judgmental
Daughter #1 said, “Do they let people that fat in college?” They were in a hyper-giggly mood and both laughed at that.
**Before I read any further, she's just being a sly, socially acceptable bully. Fat people are easy targets. People say, "They do it to themselves." "How could they just keep eating?" “Do they know what they look like?” And on and on. And fat people can tell you that other people make judgmental comments to them ALL the time. And ABOUT them, when they think the fat person can’t hear. Even in the grocery store. Makes racism look mild. Really. Nobody says, “You see how black he is?”
Mom speaks up and says to her daughter, “Exactly what are you saying right now about that clothing and the people who wear it?”
Daughter: “I see what you’re thinking, can I explain?"
Then she immediately went into telling me how I was wrong, with tortured explanation of what they were laughing about that made no sense. I kept telling her she was defending herself, until finally she could say it: “Fat people are ugly, dumb, stupid and should not be allowed to study at college.”
Mom to me: “That is the only thing her comment could have meant, right?”
**YES, and look how long it took her to admit that. In addition to being mean and ugly, she finds it nearly impossible to simply admit being wrong.
Helping Her Admit Being Wrong
Mom said to daughter, “You’re defending yourself because you don’t want to see how ugly you’re being. You try to come across as sweet and nice, so you can get what you want from people, and that doesn’t fit with what you’re doing now.”
**You’ve got it. Right. We can all manufacture slick and beautiful images of ourselves with mission statements, or our professions of belief. But if you really want to know what someone is really like, watch their offhand comments and jokes. She's being very shallow and judgmental, mocking and mean. Fat people kill their pain with food. True. But what does your daughter do? She kills her pain with being right and judgmental and mean. Which person would you rather be around? Tell her that.
Mom to daughter: I said, “You’re defending yourself because you want to be right, you’re addicted to being right, it's become automatic for you. When I point out your unkind behavior, you need to close your lips together and first think, "I NEED TO LISTEN. MY MOM IS TRYING TO HELP ME."
**YES. Tell her that again RIGHT when you ask her a question or point something out that she needs to learn. When you correct her, immediately say to her, "STOP. Don't give me your automatic defense. Think about what you did (or what you’re doing), and tell the truth about it, which may not be pretty. But you’ll be honest, in integrity, able to feel loved, able to learn."
Mom: I gave her a penalty day on her calendar—adding another day to the time she can’t use her phone or play with friends. Maybe it should have cost her 10 days, because she keeps defending herself. This addiction isn’t going away. And she keeps criticizing and mocking people. Maybe I should have not allowed her to speak anything but the truth about the comment.
**Hence my suggestion that you tell her to stop and think before she says a word.
She wanted to explain this and that etc.
**The more words people use, the more they are defending themselves. Same for her. Watch for that.
Maybe she can write this event down, and refer back to it next time she doesn't immediately own up. She just automatically looks at me, like I must have it wrong, instead of trusting/ considering that I am telling her something true, and she needs to look at herself.
**YES. TELL her ahead of time that she can assume that when she responds to an observation you make about her, she IS already preparing to defend herself. She IS. How do you know? Because it’s an addiction. If you have beer missing from your refrigerator, and you have an alcoholic living with you, you don’t need to be a detective to figure out where the beer is going. You already know. Same with your daughter.
Maybe I should just say Rock or Human and she needs to say the rest on her own. (a subject we’ve discussed before, to teach your children that when they just react, they’re choosing to be a rock. When they CHOOSE to be loved, loving, responsible, they’re being human). In this case, it was a considerable effort and process to take her on that path from her ugly comment to admitting the truth. Shouldn’t she really be doing all of this on her own already?
**YES. You’ve explained it all many times. She’s seen it on the Parent Training. She KNOWS, and she’s not stupid. Hence my suggesting your first word: "STOP." She can ASSUME she's defending and think before she does it. Otherwise, every argument she has with you is actually another exercise in her being right.
Learning with Consequences
Did I just fall for it again with her? Maybe I could role play this with you.
Daughter: Do they let people that are fat go to college?
Mom: What are you saying? (Now help me with what to do next).
- Say what I said. "STOP and assume you’re about to defend. Don’t. Tell the truth."
- IF she continues being right, keep it simple. Just hold up fingers like this:
Daughter:
I was just joking. (1)
I wasn’t being mean (2)
You didn’t understand what I was laughing about (3)
And you explain ahead of time what each finger means—another day.
WHY?
Why the consequences? To make the ugly mocking behavior expensive enough that she’ll consider another choice. That’s why they give people increasing penalties for drinking and driving, so they’ll STOP it.
**Every word she says is her being right. Every inflection, every tone. All a self-deception. It's a huge lie that is hurting her.
Mom writing but thinking out loud: I have done that before, saying, "if you don't admit immediately, you'll get a consequence," — and she dropped things immediately. Yeah. I let her defend at no cost. Each defense should have cost a day. Okay. I let her go insane, drunk. And I go drunk with her by not stopping it in its tracks with the consequence. It's like a roller coaster of excuses and I'm riding it with her, instead of staying on the ground, observing her and calling it what it is and attaching the weight of consequence to it.
**Good for you. In your defense, (1) she's pretty good at it, and (2) you WANT to believe that she's not being that ugly. But you’re learning, and you’ll get better at this.
