Kids will often complain that life is "unfair"—as do most adults. But what they really mean is that they didn’t get what THEY wanted, with a nearly complete disregard for the rights of other people to choose.
Timestamps:
00:00 Teen upset about an injustice done by the school.
04:31 Seeing the ordeal as an inconvenience will help her.
05:12 What is truly fair in her life.
07:19 Other people get to choose too, and it may be inconvenient.
08:22 What is unfair in her life.
10:08 Choice to be grateful or complain.
11:40 Rescuing makes a person weak.
12:42 Learning how to respond positively to an inconvenience is vital to being happy.
Transcript:
Reacting to an "Unfair" Decision is a Big Choice
From a mother who writes: I think I need some help seeing something more clearly. My daughter, Laura, received an email from her school informing her that after she took her final examinations, like everyone else, the administration seems to have lost the answers to all of the exams in one subject. They just vanished, or were deleted, or something.
So now she has to take the exam again next month. In an attempt to be fair, the school has said that this will be considered a first attempt—not a repeat exam, which is looked on less favorably—and the questions will be comparable to the first test.
**They really made a mistake, and they’re trying to make her feel like they’re doing her a favor with these gestures about it being considered a first exam, and that it will be similar to the one where the results were lost. Kind of laughable that they would congratulate themselves for these meaningless gestures, but they are—there you go.
Mom: Laura is very unhappy about this and doesn't want to study for the exam again, or take it.
**Understandably. Of course she doesn’t. Her attitude, however, toward the mistake made by the school is very important. She is about to take actions either as a result of conscious choices, or as a reaction to being victimized. Big choice.
Inconvenient, not Unfair
Mom: Laura has a real fear around exams. In the past she has actually become depressed and cut herself as a result of taking tests. And she complains that they’re making her take the test during a month that was supposed to be a vacation. She wants to enjoy the time off without having to study again, and overall she thinks this is all so unfair. I’ve heard the word unfair a lot from her.
**So unfair. I wonder aloud how often I have heard people describe an injustice against them as just “unfair.” No, it’s always “so unfair,” “horribly unfair,” “unbelievably unfair,” and more. Kind of like people describing a cold. Almost always a “bad cold.” When do people refer to their “mild cold.” Not often.
Mom: What Laura wants is for the school to give her a grade based on her performance in the subject overall during the semester, as though there were no final exam. And she got support for that idea from her mental health counselor, who wrote a letter explaining that Laura is unusually stressed by tests and should not have to take the test again.
**You have quite an opportunity to teach her something here about life and the world. If she wants to be happy in life, she needs to see that this entire “ordeal” is ONLY an INCONVENIENCE, but not unfair at all. And how she responds to this potential stress will be determined largely by how she SEES it.
How this Event is NOT Unfair
How is this event—this mistake, to put a fine point on it—NOT unfair? Easy. Let’s look at what truly is fair:
- That she gets to receive an education at all, based on the promises given to her by the government. That’s a big promise, and it has been fulfilled.
- That she gets to learn a great number of subjects and choose from those what she wants to focus on for a career. That’s quite a privilege.
- That the rules in school apply to everyone, not just her. She’s not the only one affected by this mistake.
- That overall the school has a sense of integrity, consistent consequences for choices, uniform standards for behavior, they’re transparent with their intentions and rules, and they have clear rewards for effort and merit—or lack thereof.
- Most important, she gets make her own choice here—the ultimate evidence of fairness.
Now, that is just how this present event is fair. It gets much bigger.
Choices, Mistakes & the Real Definition of Unfair
What's really fair is that we all—the essence of fairness—get to make choices about how we think, what we say, and what we do. That is fairness. And part of that entire system is that other people—not just us—ALSO get to choose as they wish.
And as we ALL have the right to choose, that would necessitate our also having the right to make mistakes—all of us, since they’re unavoidable. In the process, we WILL make mistakes that inconvenience other people. No way around that if we’re learning and growing.
Laura has certainly made many mistakes that inconvenience other people, so how could she possibly believe that it's wrong for other people to make mistakes that inconvenience her? She wants a world where everyone else is inconvenienced but not her. And THAT is the definition of not fair.
What IS Unfair in Laura's Life
While we’re talking about what is FAIR, let’s talk about what is UNFAIR in Laura’s life.
She lives under your roof, enjoying the mortgage payments you make, the heating and air, the food, the long list of insurances, and more. She does nothing to EARN any of that. It’s inherently unfair that she receives so much more than she gives to the function of the home. (The very definition of unfairness)
She enjoys a great number of luxuries—phone, other electronics, car—that aren’t even necessities. Not fair.
I am NOT saying she should NOT receive these things, only that the entire concept of “fairness” in her world is one-sided.
More unfairness: When she makes a mistake and inconveniences others, it’s a small matter, but if others inconvenience her, Congress must be convened and emergency measures taken to ensure that such a tragedy never occurs again.
Choosing Gratitude or Unhappiness
This idea of fairness is a very tough concept for people to get, especially while THEY are being inconvenienced, but there is no other construction of fairness, or justice, that could work. It’s either justice for all, or for none, if you want to be fair. So, now she has yet another choice:
- She can be grateful for all that she does have, and enjoy her life, inconveniences and all.
OR
2. She can fuss and complain about this minor inconvenience all day, or many others that are coming for the rest of her life, and she will feel victimized, helpless, angry, and unhappy.
1 or 2. Happy or not. No kidding, and I’m not over-simplifying this. There simply is no world where everything goes your way.
Now, can she TRY to avoid this particular inconvenience? Sure. She could ASK them to give her a grade for the test that is consistent with her overall performance in the class. It’s worth asking, but she’d really have to be prepared emotionally to accept their denial—or she’s not really making a request.
I would NOT recommend that she include with her request the letter from the mental health worker, because it makes Laura into a pathetic victim who deserves special attention. It will make her feel weak in ways you cannot imagine fully now, and she’ll continue to look for “special” ways—unfair ways—to get out of other requirements in the future.
I would NOT recommend that she refuse to re-take the exam—which I’m sure has occurred to her—because then they can simply fail her in that subject, having proven that they gave her an opportunity to do well.
The Importance of Learning to Respond to Something Unfair
In the long run, it doesn’t matter that the school made a mistake. It matters how she learns to respond to it. Welcome to the rest of your life, kid. Your character is not determined by what happens TO you, only by how YOU CHOOSE to respond to those things, and how you choose to make decisions proactively, without a precipitating event to respond to.
No matter how you choose to respond—like requesting that a grade be given without the exam—paramount is Laura not feeling like a victim, not feeling small and treated unfairly—because that is not true.
Kids will often complain that life is "unfair"—as do most adults. But what they really mean is that they didn’t get what THEY wanted, with a nearly complete disregard for the rights of other people to choose. OTHER people must be able to choose, even if those choices are mistakes, which is the real proof that they are truly free to choose.
Choices and the Laws of Happiness
You can teach Laura that she enjoys the unspeakable justice that she can make her own decisions, and that if we follow the Laws of Happiness—if we feel loved, and if we are loving and responsible—happiness is a guarantee, no matter what circumstances swirl around us. If we live congruent with those laws, the rewards are predictable. THAT is justice, no matter what the inconveniences that unavoidably beset us.
Teach her that people in the world scream for an immediate and consistent condition where they get what they want, and that is a distorted and perverted sense of micro-justice that is not “fairness” at all. The universe rarely rewards those who seek this kind of fairness.
If you plant a seed in the ground, and you scream for an immediate harvest—because you really, really want it, or because you think that would be fair, considering your effort—you have defined a foolish, shallow, twisted, self-serving, and immature justice that will simply cause injustice for others.
There is plenty of justice in the world. We ARE appropriately rewarded—overall, not perhaps moment by moment—for our wise and loving choices, as well as for our selfish ones. We just don't like the real definition of justice. Oh, and mercy? Abundant mercy is proven by the very fact that we are allowed to make choices at all and learn from them.
