Greg teaches a mother how to stop her son from teasing and mocking his younger sister immediately and instead, be loving.
Timestamps:
00:00 Boy teasing and mocking his sister, the mother tries consequences
05:57 Mother has him describe his behavior in terms of loving. She points out he did it without remorse.
07:30 Mom needs to react to his barbs immediately.
10:05 When mom puts up her hand, he has to stop and tell her what he was about to say and its impact.
15:47 Have son come up with loving things he can say or do.
17:05 Admits to mother that he feels compelled to do little things.
18:26 Remember what is true.
Transcript:
Why Teasing and Mocking Happens between Siblings
A mother wrote to me about her 12-year-old son, Jordan. For years he has enjoyed teasing his 9-year-old sister, Emily. He mocked her mistakes, he mocked her observations, he made fun of her behavior that was, well, simply consistent with being three years young than he was. It had become so common that Emily hardly dared to speak if Jordan was around, and if his behavior was pointed out to him, he didn’t even know what his mother was talking about, because it had become “normal” to him.
**OF COURSE he does this. Until recently you have had no idea how to unconditionally love him, so you have tended to correct him sternly and randomly, which makes a child crazy. And his father is completely unavailable emotionally to him. AND he has two older siblings who treat him with disrespect and disdain, so this kid feels powerless and worthless. No blame of anybody, just the natural consequences of the way that you and the family have treated him. There haven’t really been any CHOICES involved here, just reactions to pain. Now you’re learning how to love and teach him, and you have opportunities to learn every day.
Attempts to Stop the Teasing and Mocking
Mom explained that she had given Jordan consequences for each time he teased his sister:
- Extra chores.
- Having to explain his selfishness to everybody in family meetings.
- Going to his room.
- More chores.
Nothing was working, so she decided to try something different. Jordan was forbidden to make ANY comment, ever, about anything, to Emily. No words, no facial expressions, nothing.
**This SOUNDS good, but I already know where this is going.
Mom said that Jordan’s behavior hardly changed at all. He would still mock Emily, or sigh, or roll his eyes, or whatever, every chance he got, and when Mom made a comment about it, he ALWAYS had a reason:
- “I wasn’t making a comment TO HER.” (Just about her, as though that made any difference)
- “But she was in the next room and couldn’t hear what I said.” (Still poisons the air and reinforces his selfishness and bullying)
- “I didn’t have a tone.”
- “I was just joking.”
And on and on. You’ve all heard these excuses.
No Speaking to Anybody
So, Mom went further, which is BRILLIANT. If taking a particular action fails over and over and over, then CHANGE what you’re doing. If hitting yourself in the head with a hammer doesn’t get rid of your headache, maybe you should try something else.
Mom told Jordan that he couldn’t speak at all, to anyone but her. No speaking. None. No gestures, no facial expressions toward ANYBODY except her.
This went on for several days, which very nearly killed Jordan, but Emily was LOVING this. She was beginning to come alive. Mom was pleased that Jordan was learning. And although Jordan was quiet, I was virtually certain that he wasn’t learning, just biding his time until he could go right back to what he’d always done.
Mom decided that Jordan had learned his lesson, so she allowed him to speak freely during family meetings only, as an experiment. He could answer people’s questions, bring up problems, and so on. Within minutes of the first meeting, he made fun of something Emily said.
- First, he rolled his eyes.
- Then he made a dismissive gesture with his hands (brush off).
- Then he sighed.
- Then he said something snotty, like, “Oh really?” Followed by another comment.
Mom wrote: “I told him that he had to describe his behavior in terms of loving.”
- He went through the appearance of doing this very well:
- “I was unloving and unkind.”
- “I was saying that she was stupid.”
- “It wasn’t a big deal.”
- “I was saying that she didn’t know anything.”
And so on.
Mom: All true, but I’m not hearing any genuine remorse from you. You’re just repeating what I’ve said to you before.
**This is beautiful insight from Mom. Kids often quickly learn the right words to say, words YOU have said, but they learn to say them to get out of trouble, not because they have learned anything about themselves, nor made any change in judgments or behavior. They just say the right words like a mindless exercise.
Mom: If I had said the same thing to you that you said to Emily, would you have liked it?
Stop Him Immediately When He Starts Teasing and Mocking
**Not a bad response, but I suggest you consider something that happened in this interaction.
Usually how long is the time—exactly, in seconds—from the moment Jordan begins his comments or gestures until you say something? It might help him—likely, in fact—if you're much faster.
Watch him, and listen to him, and you will KNOW when he's about to do something like that. (You’ve seen and heard it enough times from him that you should be able to feel it in the very beginning, even before it’s actually happened.) The problem seems to be that he makes his comments—usually for a minute or two or 10 or longer—and then you have intervene to point out or stop what he’s doing.
**But if you stop him within like 1.5 SECONDS, every time, he'll learn so much faster. You don’t do this intentionally, but every second that he is unkind or bullying, it confirms in his mind that his behavior is OKAY—naturally, since in those moments you’re doing nothing while he is teasing and mocking.
This is how we teach dogs and horses—immediate feedback—and it works well with people. So, let’s say that his sister says something, and already you KNOW that Jordan is forming an opinion—you can SMELL it by now—and you know that it's pretty much NEVER supportive (whenever heard, “Oh my, dear sister, that was a brilliant observation. No, so you KNOW it’s going to be something derogatory.)
WATCH and LISTEN diligently, and the MOMENT you see "that" mocking or teasing expression on his face—you know the one—or you hear that negative or mocking tone, you put up your hand and say, "Talk to me." IMMEDIATELY.
And you will have explained ahead of time what that means. “Talk to me” means that he has to describe what he was about to do or say, or HAD begun doing or saying, as well as what impact that would have on a sensitive little girl who feels criticized by him all the time.
Teaching the Family Zero Tolerance for Teasing and Mocking
AND then you ask everyone in the family to do the same thing—immediately stop his attitudes—when you're not around. It’s time for him finally to stop. Completely. He's not improving. He's addicted to the drama and control of his criticism and teasing. And so far he’s approaching his behavior like an alcoholic who tries to drink "less." Stupid. Doesn't work. Is this all clear to you? This is part of zero tolerance.
**Through it all you have to be kind to him, not impatient, not angry, or he’ll fight you just because he feels your disapproval.
**BUT more than with most people, he has to stop his behavior before he'll feel your love, and your love will then help him find a better response to things. Yes, usually you would hope that simply loving would motivate him, but his behaviors have become so habitual that he’s so drunk on his drama and controlling and power that he doesn’t even FEEL your love. He's told you many times that the words pop out of his mouth before he's even thought about them.
What Teasing and Mocking Do To a Person
Mom: Jordan, we missed a piece of the puzzle earlier. WHY were you mocking Emily?
Jordan: To get power?
**He’s just guessing at the right words now. He’s asking if those are the words she wants to hear.
Mom: Remember that kid in the book, Jesse (from Under the Bridge)? It's like that. He got bullied himself, then he bullied others. In the past, I bullied you with my anger and bossing you around, and then your older brother bullied you as well. It's understandable that you would do the same to others. But now you are not being bullied anymore. You don't need to do this anymore. It’s making you mean and unloving, and it’s making it impossible for you to FEEL loved. So you HAVE TO get rid of this habit. That quick hit of power you get from talking to Emily: is it worth it? What if instead you could be a really nice big brother to Emily—someone she could look up to and trust. Imagine that. That's what you wished for with your brother, but you never got it, and you wished you had. You always had to watch out, in fact, because you never knew when he would turn on you. That’s what you do to Emily.
Mom said Jordan cried a little.
Mom: You did not get a big brother like that, but you can be a big brother like that for Emily. The power you will feel from being loving to Emily and then from being loved is much bigger than the power you get from bullying someone.
Jordan said it seems he has to remember so many things.
**An attempt to look like a poor little victim while being an unkind bully.
Mom: said, “No, not really, just PAUSE to think about what you are doing. If you stop to think, you KNOW in any given moment what the right choice is—to mock Emily, or support her, or say nothing. It’s not that complicated. Then make the right choice, instead of just focusing on what you want at the expense of what is right and good. I hugged him a little and left.
The Goal is to Be Loving, Not Just Stopping Teasing and Mocking
**Good points. You’re doing great. Now, just a little more to help you:
- He can't focus only on stopping his unloving behavior. Not enough to NOT be a bully or not to be unkind. The goal is to be loving. Have him come up with loving things to say or do during the day with people, especially Emily.
- And no, it's not a lot of things to remember. Remember one thing: Just BE LOVING. If it's not a loving thing, you don't do it. And he needs to work at consciously being loving.
A bit later he asked to talk to me. He was embarrassed and said he sometimes hears a voice telling him to do stupid stuff: If he went somewhere a certain way, then the voice said he had to leave that same way—OCD repetitive, silly things. He said it didn't make sense, but he felt compelled to do it.
**Yes, the voices are old patterns, convoluted thinking designed to help him feel safe, and being unkind to others briefly creates an illusion that he's more powerful, which is a form of being safe.
Mom: I told Jordan that our mind makes up stuff to deal with stress—when we cannot control our external circumstances, when we feel out of control—and then the mind makes up stuff for us to do so we can feel back in control—like tease his sister. I said, as much as possible, do not pay attention to this voice or compulsion. Don't fight it, just let it pass and remember what is true. What is true is that you are not bullied now, that I love you so much more than you’ve known before, and you have the power to make good choices that will make you happier.
**Yes, you're getting better at this. His unloving behaviors have to stop right now, and you’re learning how to love and teach him.
Again:
- Immediately stop ANYTHING that is not loving, which requires a pause from him or immediate action from you.
- Consciously choose loving behaviors.
