The Importance of Being Wrong

If I had to pick a SINGLE thing that keeps people from learning and growing throughout life, it would be easy: The ability to be wrong. 

Timestamps:

00:00 Include your children in your daily tasks.

01:08 People who fight being wrong won't be able to learn.

02:07 Talk with child until they admit freely being wrong.

02:49 Teaching your child how to respond when mistakes are made.

04:03 The tone you use is crucial.

04:55 Discuss why consequences are given.

05:59 Discuss why she is crying.

08:03 Defensive behavior comes from not wanting to look stupid.

08:46 What to do when a child blames you for her pain.

Transcript:

A mother who has completed the Ridiculously Effective Parenting Training wrote to me and stated, “I was baking with my daughter, Audrey.” 

**Good for you. Uncounted children become adults without knowing how to do the simplest tasks that they will need for the rest of their lives. Children would benefit unspeakably if parents simply made it a pattern NOT to do a task alone if they knew that a child could learn from doing that task under the guidance of the parent. This is how kids learn how to learn, and how they learn specific tasks, and how they learn to be responsible and independent. 

Why Being Wrong is So Important 

Mom: While we were baking, she measured out the wrong amount of flour, and dumped it into the bowl. When I pointed it out, she got a real attitude—offended, defensive, dismissive. She consistently does not like being corrected.  

**This is a critical issue for her. If I had to pick a SINGLE thing that keeps people from learning and growing throughout life, it would be easy: The ability to be wrong.  

People who fight being wrong, or won’t admit it at all, are—quite simply—DEAD. Their hearts beat, they eat dinner, but they are permanently stuck—like zombies—because you CANNOT learn something new unless you first admit that your previous position on that matter was WRONG. If you’re already right, you can’t learn a thing. 

Teaching a Child How to Be Wrong and Learn 

So Audrey HAS to admit she was wrong. Stay with the discussion until she admits it—not reluctantly, but freely, because until she does it freely, she will fight being wrong the next time. Guaranteed.  

At some point, after she admits being wrong, SHOW her what it's like not to be defensive, and how being wrong can be a great step. Show her in words and demeanor how somebody responds when they really want to learn.  

Example (assuming she’s measured the wrong amount of flour again), you might say and show with your attitude something like this:  

“Arrggh. How ridiculous. I read “2 cups,” but my brain turned it into 3. Crazy. The batter certainly wouldn’t have cooked right. I’ll be more careful next time.” Then you can help her see that simply admitting the mistake is SO much easier than pulling a cup of flour OUT of a bowl, and fighting being wrong, and having an attitude that will carry throughout much of the day.  

And it’s all about the TONE. “I was wrong”—tone is light-hearted and demonstrates an eagerness to see the mistake, because then we are less likely to make it again.  

Mom: This time I made her stay for the whole interaction, instead of her stomping off in a sulk. I really think we covered it all this time. Of course she had the attitude and pouted. I said she could learn any way she wanted, but with her attitude she was not going to continue helping me bake this time, nor could she eat any of the cookies tonight that we were making (she loves cookies). I required that she tell me WHY she was being given consequences. I stayed there until she said that she got consequences because she gave me attitude for (1) me HELPING her to do the right thing, and (2) for her being stubborn and refusing to learn (not listening).  

Then she started to cry.  

The Reluctance of Being Wrong Instead of Just Learning 

**She’s playing you. She’s learned from past interactions that if she cries, you’ll back off. Now she has to tell you how foolish it is to cry, because she’s manipulating you, AND (2) just admitting the mistake and moving would have been SO much easier.  

Mom: So she told me why she was crying—feeling sorry for herself and manipulating me to go easy on her.  

**Bingo. And help her say the one she didn’t say, which is that acting like a victim is so useless and time consuming—as well as consuming emotional energy.  

Mom: Our discussion went on for a while, with ups and downs. At one point I asked if it was smart to refuse to learn. She said no. I asked her if it wasn’t smart, what was it? She said "unsmart?" I laughed and said, “What’s the real word for ‘not smart’?” 

She asked, "Stupid?" I said yes. 

**See the reluctance to admit being wrong again? The word is “stupid,” but Audrey is refusing to give in to you. She gets a real feeling of power from fighting you. And avoids feeling foolish. Of course you’re using the word stupid ONLY so that she can take the sting out of the word and more easily admit being wrong. You can’t use the word “stupid” with a tone, or she’ll avoid it even more. Just stupid.  

Mom: She started crying again. I asked why she was crying. She said she was feeling bad from my words.  

**She is making it all about YOU being cruel—hence the crying—instead of just learning, which would have taken seconds. SHE made the whole thing difficult.  

Mom: I said my words were just direct and honest. I said you're not bad, I still love you. We all don't know many things. In other words, we all are stupid about some things. We ALL have to learn, so NOT wanting to learn is stupid.  

I asked her, “Has this happened to you a lot, where you’ve resisted being wrong?” She said yes. I responded, “And if you cry about it you won't learn—you’ll just feel victimized—and you'll make the same mistake again. You keep making the same mistakes.”  

She stopped crying. I required that she say several times what had happened in our discussion, running through all the various parts of it. 

**Good. She needs it. You’re not being cruel. You’re loving and teaching.  

Eventually I let her go. She soon came to tell me she was going bike riding. No attitude. Later she came to say goodnight, no attitude. I think she learned something.  

**Sounds like it.

We HAVE to teach our children HOW to learn. If we don’t, who will? And learning involves being humble, teachable, and willing to admit mistakes. 

If we don’t intentionally teach our children how to do this, life will be SO much more difficult for them. If we DO teach them how to be wrong and how to learn, mistakes become nothing, just information about what they need to learn. As parents we can learn how to do this.