In teaching a child to be responsible, what matters is the pattern. Overall, is your child learning to be responsible? YES, so you’re succeeding, and so is he.
Timestamps:
00:00 Parent's reaction to watching the REPT the second time.
01:23 Setting a schedule.
02:33 Alternative to too many consequences.
04:17 Consequences and teaching the principle.
05:23 The pattern of behavior is more important than a single event.
06:45 A model of calm parenting.
Transcript:
Child Is More Responsible Due to Dad’s Teachings
A father said recently, “I’ve been watching the parenting training for the second time, and I’m having a great time. There is so much I missed the first time.”
**Several things occur to me immediately.
- Of course you missed things the first time. We never learn the depths and nuances of a new principle the first time we study it.
- Your diligence and persistence in learning how to be a good father are astonishing. The second time through 45 hours of training? I’m impressed.
- You’re learning because of YOUR faith. You’re trusting that established principles work better than inventing parenting yourself for your child. You are learning so much. Not everybody does.
Dad: My son, David, is obviously so much happier because of what I’m learning. He’s more teachable, more responsible. Even during the quarantine, he was into a routine of schoolwork from 8:30 am till 3 pm, and then he could do things he wanted to.
**He’s learning to govern his own life. Because you’ve taught him how—and because he’s just a good person. You're being a real father. Can't say enough good about that.
Being Responsible vs Avoiding Consequences
Dad: However, I feel that I might have relied on consequences too much as a teaching. I get the impression that sometimes he's doing the right things to avoid losing his technology rather than to make the happier choice.
**VERY natural to resort to consequences too soon and too much. (I’m not saying that you’re doing that, just noting that this is common)
Often it's more productive to simply require him to state the principle involved—that he was being loving or irresponsible—until you believe that he sincerely understands it. Sometimes that works better than consequences. Sometimes it takes both, or one, then the other. It’s a very fluid process.
Dad: For example, after deciding to thoroughly clean his bedroom (which took 7 days) he has been keeping it clean and tidy now for 2 weeks. I have checked on it every day at the same time. The first time he slipped up and left stuff around on the floor, he lost his screen time for the day. Then we had another conversation about what he needs to learn from being neat—how he learns to be responsible, and is happier in an ordered environment—and he didn’t slip up again for a week.
**There’s an example of you doing both teaching with words and with consequences. Smart. The point is his learning. If he can do that without a consequence, that is sometimes better.
What Matters is the Pattern in Learning to Be Responsible
Dad: So, for the last 2 weeks his room has looked great. Yesterday I popped into his room to return his laundry basket, and I saw that he had left some clothes on the floor. He wasn't due an inspection that day as he was at his mother’s but I felt disappointed that he wasn't keeping it tidy for himself. Am I expecting too much?
**Possibly. What matters is the PATTERN. Overall, is he learning responsibility? YES, so you’re succeeding, and so is he. I wouldn’t make a big thing out of an exception, especially on a day when he didn’t anticipate an inspection. Relax.
**We all need to learn from this.
- First love them. Really, fully.
- Then teach with words. Require that THEY come up with the words more and more. Have THEM tell you what they’ve learned, or what they need to learn.
- Then use consequences occasionally.
- If they’re fairly consistently doing something well, point it out, and ask them how it feels.
- If there’s an exception when they don’t do something, don’t make a big thing of it. Just nod your head toward the kitchen and say, “Dishes,” or whatever the task is.
They need to know that their successes are as noticeable to you as their mistakes.
