A mother asks Greg for help in teaching her children how to handle a difficult neighbor who insists on getting them trapped in a conversation.
Timestamps:
00:00 Verbally abusive neighbor.
02:37 Effects of negative influences.
04:41 Controlling the conversation without being unkind.
06:10 Truthful reasons to give your children for kindly ignoring negative people.
09:40 The need to prepare your children for dealing with difficult people.
Transcript:
Trapped in a Conversation
This is from a mother, who says that her family lives next door to a middle-aged man, Brian, who has been difficult to deal with. For example (in her words):
- In the last year, he has often asked the kids what they were doing in the backyard while they were doing chores. When the kids sometimes have responded that they were carrying out a consequence given to them for not listening to instructions or completing assigned tasks, he has made negative comments about the “new, stupid program” that the family is doing (Real Love)
- He leans over the fence and launches into discussions about politics, education, the health system, and whatever else he feels like criticizing. The kids try to get away from the conversation, but he just talks without stopping, and he can waste an hour or more of their time each time he stops them.
- Sometimes he makes comments with inappropriate sexual content to my teenage girls. Not threatening or seductive, just inappropriate.
- I’ve asked him not to talk to the girls, and not to keep them from their chores, but he keeps doing it anyway.
- He’s very critical of everyone. He finds fault with the other neighbors’ lawns, where they park on the street, other people’s religion, race, and on and on.
“I wonder how we can deal with this man? He doesn’t seem to be a good influence.”
**He certainly is not a good influence.
- He takes up your kids’ time.
- He belittles you in front of your kids—about how you love and teach them—which undermines your authority and ability to parent.
- He makes comments that involve sex to the girls, which is never appropriate. He has no business doing that EVER.
- He is critical of everyone around him, which kids don’t need to hear from someone who is older and can intimidate them. He’s in a position to influence them in negative ways that you won’t know about. We tend to become like the people we choose to spend time with.
**It simply sounds like he has NO positive effect on your kids, and lots of negative effects, so why bother to talk to him at all?
HER: How do I tell the kids that? Won’t I be teaching them to be unkind?
Responding to Being Trapped in a Conversation
**Depends on the attitude you have, and the attitude they use to talk to him. If they simply INFORM him that they don’t have time to talk to him, without criticizing him, then they’re not being unkind.
If they DON’T tell him that they don’t have time for him, then essentially he holds them hostage. It’s not unkind to tell another person how WE are going to spend OUR time. We have to, or we’re not making our own decisions.
HER: I will tell ALL the kids to just ignore Brian. If he speaks, don't respond or look at him. Don't acknowledge his existence. Anything short of that will not work, because if they say a single word, he’ll trap them in a conversation.
**Smart. He has proven to be unteachable. Such people do not benefit from ANY conversation, so why have one?
HER: What reasons do I give the kids for this? Do I say that
- he is nosy about our business, and everybody else’s? And that the kids don’t have to participate in that?
- he pushes his opinion, just wants to be right?
- he is not interested in learning?
- he is not listening to my request not to talk to the girls or to interfere with their chores?
- he is not respectful? That he’s judgmental and negative?
- he manipulates them and holds them captive in his conversations with them?
**Yes, tell them all that. But not to share that with him, because it will just lead to more arguing.
But possibly the biggest reason to avoid him is that he is a terrible example of what it means to actually care about other people, and THAT is what the kids need a lot of, not yet another example of selfishness (they get plenty of that at school and elsewhere out in the world).
Tell the kids what I said above. He's unteachable, so what possible benefit could there be to talking to him? What if they try to talk to him politely? No, he'd just use that to manipulate them. Maybe they could teach him something? Impossible. So, what is left? NO conversations.
Helping Kids Avoid an Unproductive Conversation
HER: Over the years, the kids have been annoyed to various degrees, because all conversations with him always lead back to how the banks are controlling everyone, how the world is bad for a hundred different reasons, and he talks for hours, and it's hard to get away. And he makes uncomfortable comments to the girls. To many people, he seems generous and involved, but actually he’s petty and greedy and selfish.
**THAT is the reason to avoid him. The world is FILLED with bad examples we can't avoid—at school, while interacting with people when we’re shopping, on billboards, literally.
But we CAN avoid many examples of being unloving and judgmental, so why not at least avoid those? (Like EVERYWHERE on social media, on video games, in texting . . . and Brian is certainly one of those examples your kids can avoid.
You might warn them that when they ignore him, he'll act offended (manipulation), he will try to show them that they're being rude (manipulation), and more.
But if they simply walk away, his responses cannot last. You might also suggest that if he keeps bothering them, to tell you, and you’ll help them know what to do next—or what you will do next.
As you tell them how to respond to Brian, emphasize that this is a very specific case where someone has proven unteachable. YOU have tried to tell him how to interact with your kids, and he doesn’t listen.
But they can’t indiscriminately apply this elsewhere. They can’t just ignore their teachers at school, for example, if they don’t like how the teacher talks. That won’t work.
As you do all this, you’ll be teaching them a lot about how to interact with difficult people, and they MUST learn that, because there are plenty such people out there.
