When rudeness escalates to fighting, our tendency is to jump in and declare a ceasefire. There is a more productive way.
Timestamps:
00:00 Children fighting, parent's usual reactions.
02:04 Teaching a response to rudeness in more productive ways.
02:26 Criticized by brother while doing her chore.
03:13 Mom's response, using loveandteach.
06:51 Points out choices to stop rudeness.
09:17 Possible better responses.
Transcript:
Parents Responding to Rudeness
We’ve all seen this interaction:
Child A says something critical or rude to Child B. It none of Child A’s business to say anything at all.
Child B—thinking some version of “You can’t talk to me like that”—says something equally critical or rude to Child A, possibly throwing in a little extra verbal or facial expression for effect.
Then it quickly spirals into insults, barbs, snotty observations, and more, much like the exchange of gunfire, mortars, and artillery.
Our tendency as parents is to come into the middle of the fight and simply declare a cease-fire. You’ve done it many times: “Stop that!” Or “You two just get along now.” Or “You can’t talk to your sister like that.”
We also know how long this kind of solution lasts. You’re much bigger than either child, so you succeed in intimidating them to stop the noise that was bothering you, as well as the conflict that was making you feel guilty as parent. But another similar conflict is inevitable, sometimes minutes later.
More Productive Ways for Responding to Rudeness
Sure, long-term loving and teaching are the sure solution to such conflicts, but until our children feel loved, and until they learn to be loving and responsible, we can teach our children how to respond to the rudeness of others in far more productive ways.
Layla was scrubbing the bathtub, one of her assigned chores for the week. Her brother, Jacob, came into the bathroom. Seeing the cloth and cleanser Layla was using, Jacob said, “That’s a stupid thing to use.”
The predictable argument briefly outlined above began within a second, and the argument was building rapidly as Mom entered the room.
Instead of telling them to stop, or assigning blame, Mom wisely decided to love and teach. With no irritation or frustration in her voice, Mom said, “Who was the first person in the room?” She was smart enough not to ask, “What happened,” because the answers that follow are invariably chaotic, always conflicting, and rarely correct. She kept it simple.
Layla said, “Me. I was scrubbing the tub, but then Jacob—”
Mom interrupted the commentary that would have gone nowhere. She said, “So Jacob came into the room and made some comment. Have I got that right so far?”
The two children then vigorously disagreed about what was said, each claiming complete innocence, of course.
Mom wisely decided not to focus on the exact details and said, “Layla was scrubbing the tub, and Jacob made some comment about what she was doing that was less than complimentary. Close enough?”
When they agreed, Mom said, “Layla, what Jacob said to you was either insulting, critical, or rude, which is why you reacted badly. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“And then you responded with something unkind yourself, didn’t you?”
“But he started it, and—”
“I don’t care,” Mom said. “Answer my question. You responded with something less than loving, yes?”
“Yeah.”
“And then it took seconds for you two to be in a fight. Would you like to be the smart one here and learn how to avoid a fight when somebody speaks rudely to you?”
“Sure.”
“Let’s go back in time and imagine that Jacob has just said something snotty about how you’re scrubbing the tub. Doesn’t matter what exactly he said, just that he commented negatively about it. Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Is the tub any of his business?”
“No.”
“So you were clearly doing the right thing, and he stuck his nose where it doesn’t belong, yes?”
“Yes.”
“But then you had a choice to make. You could have responded in a way that indicated your ability to ignore his rudeness, or you could engage in a fight over nothing, where nobody would win. One of those is a smart decision, the other one fairly stupid. Which choice did you make?”
“The stupid one? The fight?”
“Yes. (Listen to the tone) Let’s look at what you could have said instead. So Jacob says, ‘What you’re using is stupid.’ Let’s consider what you COULD say. If you argue with him, or insult him, you’ll get a fight, which you’ve already said was stupid. Would you like to know what is very disarming to people who are trying to pick a fight?”
“Sure.”
Responding to Rudeness with Gratitude and Kindness
“Gratitude and kindness.”
“Gratitude for him being snotty?”
“I didn’t say that, did I? No, just gratitude. It’s very difficult to have a gun fight when one of the two people fighting is holding a flower. Difficult to build a fire when one person only has a bucket of water. Gratitude is like that. It’s like putting water on a fire.”
“I still don’t quite get it,” Layla said.
“That’s okay. Imagine that you’re back there at the tub, and Jacob says something unkind about how you’re doing your job. Now imagine that instead of fighting, you say, ‘Thank you, Jacob, for your advice. I would be grateful if you’d let me do my job, and I’ll come and find you later to do something else together.’ How do you think it would have gone if you had said that?”
“Probably better,” Layla admitted.
Mom turned to Jacob and asked, “Do you think the conversation would have gone better if Layla had said what I suggested?”
Jacob hung his head and said, “Probably.”
Layla objected, saying, “But I wouldn’t have FELT gratitude if I’d said that.”
“Probably not,” Mom admitted, “but the more you practice saying it, the more you’ll mean it, and the less likely it will be that Jacob will say unkind things. The more we express gratitude, the more truly grateful we become. And when people hear our gratitude, they find it difficult to be unkind to us.”
Layla protested again, saying, “Okay, but what if I am nice to him, but he keeps being snotty to me?”
“Either repeat yourself again,” Mom said, “saying exactly the same thing, or—if you don’t know what to do—come and find me, and calmly tell me that you need help with how to respond to Jacob.”
Our children need to learn that unpleasant interactions with people are inevitable—all their lives—but if we parents love and teach them, they’ll be so much better prepared to respond in loving and productive ways. It’s our job to prepare them in this way for the world.
