Teaching children this skill of answering a request can change the way they interact with everyone else for the rest of their lives.
Timestamps:
00:00 Saying "no" to a friend.
02:06 Process of answering a request. #1: Do I have this to give?
03:56 #2 Is it a need or a want?
06:29 #3 Do I really want to fill the request?
08:21 Application of these steps.
12:23 Children don't know how to say yes or no and get trapped.
16:38 Ask children to keep a record of what others ask them to do, then discuss them.
Transcript:
Answering Requests
Recently a friend wrote me, “I need a big favor from you.” She explained that her nephew’s birthday was the next day, and she had planned to give him a gift certificate from a large retailer. But she had put off the purchase, and now she was on vacation in a place where she couldn’t get the gift. She wanted me to go to the store to get a certificate, and then she’d pay me back when she returned.
“First, I verified that the message was not a scam, and then I responded, 'I prefer not to do this. You might consider telling your nephew that he’ll receive his birthday gift when you return.’”
Why am I telling you this? Because people regularly ask for our time, energy, and resources, and then we make our decision as we go through a process of analyzing information and feelings, even if we’re not aware of it at the time.
We need to be more aware of this process, both for ourselves and so we can teach our children how to do it in a way that maximizes their happiness. Most people make difficult decisions badly and uncomfortably, so their children learn to do the same. Let’s do something about that.
Criterion for Answering a Request
Allow me to describe my own process of decision-making when people ask me for something:
First criterion for answering a request:
1. Do I have it to give?
- Time
- Physical energy
- Emotional energy, which is not infinite
- Skills
- Resources: money, tools, proper transportation
Do I have what it takes to fill the request with reasonable, affordable effort? If it would empty me out physically and emotionally, for example, to do something for another person, then how could that be a wise choice? In that case, afterward, I’d be exhausted and useless, and if I’m that close to my limit, the other person isn’t going to feel my efforts as an unconditional gift anyway.
Brief metaphor: Somebody is drowning and screams for me to help them. Now let’s assume that I’m physically exhausted from some other effort, I have no boat or rope to help them, and I don’t know how to swim. In that case, jumping into the water to help them—to fill their request—would be highly foolish, not loving at all.
Second criterion for answering a request:
2. Is the request a necessity, or is it just a desire?
In short, is it a need or a want? If my friend calls and tells me he’s dying for a snack, he’s tired after a day of work, and wants me to go to the store for him to get a particular food, I would not likely find that motivating.
But I would be far more likely to go if he was out of food entirely and had no way to get to a nearby store. The first request is a want, the second a need. (I’ve been involved in both kinds of requests many times)
People often confuse urgency with need. They often use the expression “I really want (or need)” something because they’ve learned that the urgency of their request can often convince people that they NEED that thing.
Children commonly say “I really, really want (or need)” something when talking to us, and their friends use these words with them. (“I really need the new iPhone, or latest athletic shoe, or brand name jeans vs less expensive ones”)
Because we often grant these requests—really demands—we unwittingly confirm to the child that their desires—often superficial—really are NEEDS.
We need to teach our children the difference between wants and needs. We also need to teach our children that they are not obligated by someone else’s “urgent” desire for something. Rarely is it a true need.
Third criterion for answering a request:
3. Do I really WANT to give?
It is a common misconception that if we really love someone, we’ll give them what they want, especially if it can be seen as a need. But if we gave to every person who wants or needs, we would not really be making free choices. We would not truly be loving. Not to mention that if you gave to everyone in need, you’d have nothing, and you’d be holding your own hand out in need.
Fourth criterion for answering a request:
4. Is the person making the request capable of doing this for themselves?
Over the years I have filled many thousands of requests, and I have known many people who would rather pick up the phone and ask a friend to drive all the way across town to do something that the needy person could do themselves in a minute or less. Granting such requests fosters entitlement and laziness.
I consider all of these factors when I’m asked to do something, because if I don’t, the results are often unhealthy:
- I tend to give more than I have, which can be hurtful to me.
- I can exhaust myself.
- I can enable people who need to learn to do more for themselves. Hurts them.
- I can become a machine driven by guilt and obligation. Constantly serving but never happy.
Now let’s apply this to the example of my friend wanting me to stop everything I was doing to get a gift card for her nephew.
- Did I have the time and other resources to fill her request? Yes, barely. In order to do that, however, I would have had to rearrange my schedule so that I could NOT fill the requests already made by others.
- Was it a necessity or just a desire on her part? I judged that it was far from a necessity. (That does NOT make me right. To her it might have been a necessity, but this was MY decision to make, not hers, so I could use only MY judgment of necessity or desire.) Her nephew would not get sick or die if he didn’t get his gift card exactly on his birthday. Waiting wouldn’t hurt him at all.
- Did I really WANT to get the card? No, in great part because it wasn’t a necessity.
- Could my friend have done this for herself? Yes, she could have done it before she left for vacation, and she could still do it upon her return.
Weighing all factors, I decided that I didn’t want to get the card.
Delivering a Decision About Answering a Request
Now, a word about delivery of a decision, once you’ve made it. Two things:
1. The answer is either Yes or No.
Do not justify or explain yourself, or you’ll just get arguments in return. If I had expressed my judgment of this request not being a necessity, for example, I would have gotten a long explanation of how for THIS nephew on THIS special occasion—and because of on and on and on—this really was a NEED.
Even without my justifying or explaining, she wrote back to tell me how easy it would be, and it was quite a list: go to the store, get a PIN off the certificate, take a picture of the certificate, and email it all to her.”
After she repeated her request—as many people will do—I simply repeated my answer, WITHOUT justifying, which is so tempting, because we want to look “nice” when we refuse someone.
I said, “I prefer not to do this. I suggested an alternative (get when she returns), but that’s up to you.” I was done. The more reasons you give someone for you saying No, the more questions you’ll get, along with reasons why your justifications are inadequate.
In the end, only YOU can decide whether to do a thing. If you decide No, you’re done. Your decision is not followed by anguish, tortured explanations, apologies, or second-guessing.
Our children generally don’t know how to simply answer Yes or No, which is how they get convinced by friends to be people pleasers.
If a child says No to a request, the other person very often says, “Pleeease,” or “Why not? Or “That’s mean.” Or “But all I want is . . .” And much more. If we don’t teach our children this principle of Yes or No, they will get manipulated and intimidated into pleasing others.
And if WE don’t know how to simply say Yes or No, that is how our children become entitled, because then they learn that if they vigorously declare what they WANT enough times—and keep giving reasons (badgering)—we tend to give in.
And then our children come to believe that their urgent persuasion CREATES a NEED. Everything becomes a NEED, and that is what entitlement is.
2. Occasionally you might offer an alternate solution, as I did when I suggested my friend tell the nephew about the present arriving late. But this second suggestion is optional.
Helping Children Make Decisions
Now, why all this talk about making decisions?
First, it can help us make our own.
Just as important, though, we can use this to help our CHILDREN make their decisions.
I wish parents could watch a video of a typical school day for their children. All day, kids are asked by their peers to do and say things:
“Can I have the rest of that cookie?”
“Can you come and look at my drawing?”
“Can you help me with this math problem?”
“Do you want to play volleyball?”
“What do you think of my hair?”
“I wanted that chair.”
And children are included—or not included—in groups or cliques according to how they respond to these requests, which often are really demands.
Remember the criteria:
1. Do I have it to give?
2. Is the request a necessity, or is it just a desire?
3. Do I really want to give?
4. Is this something the other person could do for themselves?
Most children don’t realize there are so many factors—and so many FREEDOMS—involved in making decisions, so in their ignorance they end up using ONE criterion. One: will this person like me or not like me depending on my answer.
As a result, children spend all day giving up a cookie they wanted, engaged in activities they don’t enjoy, saying things they don’t mean, complimenting people when they don’t want to, and enabling children who simply didn’t do their homework and want to be rescued. And the whole while they feel obligated to do what other people want or guilty if they don’t.
That is a lousy way to live. I suggest that we parents discuss these criteria for decision making with our children. Ask your kids for examples of other people asking them to do things during the day—have them keep a written record for a day or two—and see what answers your kids can come up with when they realize that they have CHOICES, and WAYS to MAKE choices, instead of just feeling obligated and guilty.
Teaching children this skill of answering a request can change the way they interact with everyone else for the rest of their lives. This is one of the most important things a parent can teach a child.
