Greg shares how a clever mother used a "Comments License" to help her daughter stop criticizing and controlling others and become happier.
Timestamps:
00:00 Two girls who are criticizing and controlling.
01:51 The mother's response.
02:49 Driver's License metaphor.
04:17 Responding to "I suppose."
04:47 The power of telling children that you have made a mistake.
05:23 No angry tone in describing child's behavior.
07:08 Child not ready for a "license" to make comments to anyone about their behavior.
07:45 Plan to meet daily to see if she's getting closer to earning her license.
08:02 Involving the family.
09:04 Requirements to be met to get her "license."
10:18 Results and reactions.
Transcript:
I know a mother who has been practicing Real Love with her family for several months. She’s been diligent about it, but often she lets them get away with “little” behaviors that are unloving and unproductive.
In her defense, keep in mind that children are creative, so they come up with a nearly infinite number of ways to be irritated, tease each other, complain, subtly alter the truth, and engage in other unloving behaviors.
I fully realize what it means to be a real parent. You have to be very, very observant, or you’ll miss these behaviors that harm the child and the rest of the family.
Mom told me that her daughter, Mandy, had a tendency to correct her siblings, about nearly everything:
“Stop chewing with your mouth open.”
“You left the door open.”
“Those are not the right words to that song.”
“Mom told you not to do that.”
“Did you finish your homework?”
The list was endless.
Mom Tries to Stop the Controlling
On day Mandy told her sister that her socks didn’t match, and her sister rolled her eyes, having heard such comments many times. Mandy responded by saying, “Don’t roll your eyes at me.” Mom was watching and hearing all this, and she decided that she’d had enough of it. So she angrily told Mandy to quit controlling people.
Mandy, of course, reflexively defended herself: “I didn’t tell her what to do. I was just letting her know that her socks didn’t match.”
Mom began to point out that Mandy had no need to make such a comment, but Mandy replied, “I was just trying to help.” So innocent.
“I believe,” Mom said, “that PART of you was trying to help. A small part. But mostly you just love telling other people how they’re wrong, and to tell them what to do.” Then Mom gave her several examples of where Mandy had been controlling, some of which I detailed earlier in a list.
Mandy continued to argue, so Mom said, “We’ll come back to this later. Let’s take a ten-minute break, and then I’ll meet you right here at the dining room table.”
Getting Help to Stop the Criticizing and Controlling
Mom went into the next room and called me. I made some suggestions, and Mom returned to her conversation with Mandy.
Mom asked—calmly this time—“Are 12-year-olds allowed to drive in this state?”
Mandy said “No” with a quizzical look on her face, nervous about where this conversation would go.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s the law,” Mandy said.
Mom chuckled. “You’re just side-stepping the question. WHY is it the law?”
“Because 12-year-old kids aren’t ready to drive. They’re not mature enough, their judgment isn’t good enough, and probably some other reasons.”
“Yes,” Mom said. “In order to do some things that are important—and especially if they will affect other people—we have to be QUALIFIED before we can get a license to do that thing. Driving is one example.
"Being a surgeon is another, as well as being an attorney or stock broker. A certain level of education and competence is required before you can be licensed to engage in those activities. Yes?”
Mandy said, “I suppose.”
“No, you don’t suppose. You know that what I said is true, right?”
“Yeah.”
Right here is where so many parents make a mistake. “I suppose” is a way of the child saying, “I don’t want to listen to you. I am refusing to learn here. You can’t make me, and I’m going to make this as difficult as I can for you.” We MUST respond to that attitude, and Mom did when she said, “No, you don’t suppose. You KNOW, right?”
Mom continued: “I have made a mistake as the mother in this household. I have allowed people to engage in potentially dangerous activities without requiring the training, practice, and skill required for that activity. My fault.”
Mom had Mandy’s full attention at this point. Kids tend to pay attention when a parent admits being at fault.
“You criticize and control people a LOT in this family,” Mom said, “including me. Earlier today you told me to shut the refrigerator door. What you did not know—because you didn’t care to know—was that I left it open while I was removing several items from it. And second, it was none of your business to correct me.”
“But—” Mandy began.
Stop the Controlling with A License Required for Commenting
Mom quickly interrupted: “No BUT. You were not observant enough to make a suggestion, nor was it your job to make it. You failed on at least two levels, which proves the point I’m going to make.
"You do this kind of thing with your siblings all day, and you have proven beyond all doubt that you’re not yet ready to criticize or control people. You are not ready for a LICENSE to do those things.
"Now, you might be tempted on most occasions to simply deny that you were criticizing or controlling, like you just did when you said you were just trying to help. But I’ve heard you criticize and control many times.
"This is yet another proof that you’re not ready, because you can’t even IDENTIFY when you’re doing something you’re not prepared for.
“So now I’m informing you—not discussing, but informing—that you are not qualified for a license to speak to anyone in this family about any subject that has to do with THEM.
"It doesn’t matter if you believe you’re helping. You’ve proven that you don’t know the difference between helping and controlling. It does not matter whether they’re doing something wrong. You are absolutely forbidden to speak to anyone in this family about THEM. You don’t have license to do that.
“You and I will be meeting daily to talk about how you’re doing, to see if you’re getting closer to earning your license.
"I realize that if you’re not speaking to anyone, it will be difficult to teach you from live examples, so at the family meeting later today I’ll be asking your three siblings to give me a written list of occasions when you have criticized or controlled them. You and I will discuss those examples until I’m satisfied that you can recognize your strong tendency to criticize and control.
“At some point—it might be weeks or months from now—I will give you a license to make comments about other people. If you make a mistake here and there, and immediately you admit it and correct it, then you can keep your license.
"If you repeatedly violate the requirements of your license, I will remove it again, and I’ll help you to regain it.”
License Requirements
“So what do I have to do to get a license?” Mandy asked.
Mom said, “That’s easy:
“First, you have to be able to consistently identify the difference between helping and controlling or criticizing.
“Second, you have to be consistently kind, with no interest in feeling power from your correcting others. Kindness alone tends to qualify you for a license to make comments.”
At the family meeting, the three siblings were able to provide PAGES of examples of Mandy’s criticism and controlling. It was both irritating and sobering for Mandy.
Mom then followed through and did exactly what she promised Mandy. Can you see how loving it was for Mom to clarify a harmful behavior for Mandy’s benefit? And that she was eager to help Mandy get and maintain a license? Mom was not trying to control or punish Mandy.
Criticizing and Controlling Stopped
Three weeks passed initially before Mandy got her “Comments License,” and then the license had to be revoked and re-earned a couple of times, but now Mandy has said this to her mother:
“I really didn’t know how often I was criticizing and controlling people. I’m kind of embarrassed at how blind I was. And now I really like how I feel. I don’t feel angry all the time, and the other kids like to be around me more. I’m glad you did this. I can see how my old behavior would have gotten in the way of making friends, holding a job, and having a partner or children. Oh, and I wouldn’t have been happy either.”
Mandy hugged her mother with gratitude. No kidding, this is how powerful it can be when we love and teach our children. We rarely do it, because the resistance and disapproval from our kids can be fierce in the beginning.
Nobody likes to be told that they use ugly behaviors far more than they realized, and we parents want to avoid the displeasure of the child being directed at us.
Being a real parent requires monumental courage, love, and practice. I sometimes wish that becoming a parent required a license, but it doesn’t. All we can do now is qualify ourselves to love and teach our children in a way that will give them a chance at genuine happiness for the rest of their lives.
