Do you have a child that interrupts whatever you are doing to make you listen to all the details of something he watched or did? Listen as Greg speaks to a woman who found her child to be "so annoying."
Timestamps:
00:00 Mother describes how annoying her son's chattering is.
01:10 Lesson 1: Children can be inconvenient, not annoying.
03:00 Lesson 2: You are fortunate to have a child that WANTS to talk to you.
03:46 Lesson 3: He wants your love, he's begging for it.
04:27 Lesson 4: He may be talking a lot in minute detail because he has never been successful in getting you to really listen to him.
07:12 Change your perspective. Be fascinated by your child, not the movie he's telling you about.
07:59 You aren't stuck. You can have the conversation whenever you want and end it when you want.
Transcript:
A mother—experienced with Real Love—writes to me:
“My 10-year-old son, Andre, can be so annoying. I’ll be in the middle of doing something around the house, and he’ll just show up and start talking. He expects me to stop what I’m doing, not leave the room to do anything else, and just sit there and listen to him. It’s really annoying. And the details? Arrghh. Snooze city. He describes IN MINUTE DETAIL some small thing that I am not the least bit interested in. He’ll describe a movie he saw, including every action and every word the characters spoke. What a memory. Interesting that when it comes to remembering where his shoes are, or remembering something I told him to do, he suddenly loses this brilliant memory."
Learning How to Listen
Already there is quite a list of things here for you to learn, things that will make you happier as a person and as a mother. And the rewards for Andre will be unspeakable. So, one at a time:
Lesson One: Change the Description
You said that your son “can be so annoying.”
No. Wrong. Your SON is not annoying.
He can certainly be inconvenient—nature of having children—but not inherently annoying.
The meaning of Inconvenient = makes things slower, harder, messier, whatever. Look at word:
Convenient is easier. Inconvenient is less easy. But there is no emotion in the definition. “Annoying,” on the other hand, has lots of emotion.
By saying Annoying it means a thing or person CONTROLS you and MAKES you feel bad, angry.
Lots of emotion here, and you lose your ability to choose. Things MAKES you feel.
That would mean that instead of EJFR, we have just E-R (Robs you of choosing how you’ll judge a thing, and how you’ll then feel)
Lesson Two: Change Your Perspective
You said your son will show up and just start talking.
Want to know how many parents would give ANYTHING for a wayward child—a withdrawn and uncommunicative child—to show up and start talking? Like a child addicted to drugs, runs away, cutting, or DEAD?
Might consider a change in perspective. You’re unbelievably fortunate that he talks to you.
Lesson Three: He Wants Your Love
He’s BEGGING for your love.
That really changes the perspective.
Now, what will your response be to a child begging for you love, when past a certain age they give up and withdraw completely? Love him? Or be annoyed by him?
Lesson Four: Be Grateful for Him
Your son talks in minute detail. MIGHT be just part of his personality. Chatty, garrulous, verbose.
BUT even more likely that he’s never succeeded in getting you to really listen well to him, so he’s learned that he can capture you with details. They KNOW when we don’t listen. We don’t speak, but that’s not listening. Our eyes glaze over. We multi-task. We don’t ask question. We don’t look directly into their eyes.
SO what’s the choice you could make that would be vastly different and more rewarding? Be GRATEFUL. Not for the details. (Who cares about that movie, or that video game?)
Be grateful for and interested in HIM.
Managing When to Listen
So you could do with a change in perspective. Big change.
But even with a change in perspective, you’re never trapped by obligation when you just don’t feel like listening. Just because he shows up and wants to talk does not mean that you are stuck. You can (1) Have the conversation when you want, and (2) you can end it when you want.
But DO LISTEN to him. Now, how to have conversation when you want and end when you want?
- What if he shows up, and you’re focused on something you’re doing and can’t do that and listen at the same time? Tell him you’re dying to hear it, but you need to get this thing done you’re doing, and you’ll find him in XX minutes.
- What if he talks, and you can feel yourself want to scream because of details?
That’s okay. Just tell him that you’re so grateful that he would tell you his story, have him write down where he was, and you find him in XX minutes.
What is the message of both approaches? “I care about YOU. Yes, I have to do something else right now, but I want to keep listening to you.”
Her: Okay, got it. I’m just learning to care about my son as much as for my own interests. And you are teaching me that I don’t have to give up who I am to love him. I can do this. He will feel like he just won a million dollars, and so will I. YES
