Changing your parenting changes everything. It doesn't happen quickly but with persistence, your family WILL change. Watch this video answer and feel encouraged. You CAN do this!
Timestamps:
00:00 Takes a long time to turn a family around.
01:27 Children squabbling, asks the son what the problem was.
02:40 Children required to write down what they learn about their actions and interactions.
04:32 Mother mocked by the child; how she handled it peacefully.
07:16 Notebooks called "Inner Treasures"; a perfect description of when to use consequences.
08:32 Mom's plan to deal with her child's mocking.
Transcript:
Here is an account from a mother who has practiced Real Love for a good while now. She has really worked at it and been persistent.
It upsets EVERYTHING. Complete about-face in a super tanker. But she didn’t quit.
Persistent Use of a Notebook Helps
She just kept going. At one point I said, “You’re getting pretty smart about doing this.”
Her: Until I get to a new realm of dumbness.”
Me: There is ALWAYS a new realm of dumbness.
Her: Child 3 was getting mixed in with a discussion between 1 and 2 about how to plug in the toaster, and whether Child 2 used hairspray this morning (an issue between Child 1 and Child 2 yesterday). I asked him what the problem was.
**Brilliant to ASK him what the problem was. Then HE has to distill what he learned, instead of you repeating yourself.
He said he was getting involved in other people's business.
**Smart observation. And he understood that only because you’ve helped him see how often he has done that over and over, also showing him that every time he does that it goes poorly. (All in the name of “helping.”)
It was during the morning hustle (for school, often a bit of a madhouse). I required that he write it in his pink notebook
**Quite some time before this she had begun the practice of having child get a notebook to write down what they were learning and what they had been taught. They had to go over it. They had to review it with her periodically, until they could state what they had learned without attitude. HUGE thing to do.
Her: And I said that he needed to show me what he wrote on the way to school, as an added issue for him that he needed to pay attention to and work on. (Whole reason for the notebook)
**Beautiful to read. THIS is the result of long hours, days, weeks, months of loving and teaching. NOT something that happens overnight.
Persistent, Quick Response
When we were getting into the car on the way to school, I dropped my bowl of oatmeal, and Child 2 said something in a mocking tone
**To all. You know the tone. The one that everybody in the class uses when child trips and drops his books, papers, and whatever on the floor. Hahahah, “Nice move, Ex-Lax” “Learn that in ballet school?” It’s the TONE.
I stopped everything I was doing, including making the car move forward toward school, and I said she needed to speak English (Remember Chapter zero and whining?):
I then just sat there waiting, occasionally helping with a word or two, until she could say in English,
“When you dropped your oatmeal, I made fun of you. I said:
I am better than you, superior. You are stupid and clumsy.
I love rubbing it in when you make mistakes, because it makes me feel less stupid for the times you have had to point out my mistakes."
**Perfect. It's a bit embarrassing to admit what we really mean when we casually insult or mock somebody. Not flattering.
Then I did for her (2) what I had done for 3. She needed to add this discussion to her list of issues she is working on—in her notebook. We were driving to school, and Child 3 was reading over her own notes of things—emotional and behavior issues—she is working on. So there I was in the car with three kids working on their notebooks of Inner Treasures.
**Unbelievable name for the book. They ARE treasures. Life-saving treasures.
I told them it takes work and effort to change. First you need to listen and understand; you need to write it down; and then you need to read it daily, and stop the old way and practice the new way. It takes awareness and repetition. It is for YOUR sake, so you can be happy. If you don't show sincere effort, because you don't understand that your own happiness hinges on it, then I will help you by giving you consequences.
**The scene you just described is a miracle. It's REAL PARENTING. Wow. And it is a result of your being studious, persistent, and brave.
Child 3 has an awful habit of mocking me. She is out of credit. I will "slap her wrist" next time. I have not seen it/ felt it clearly enough - it is dressed up as a joke, and I have bought into it - I suddenly see/ feel the awfulness of it. It’s not funny.
**Not the least bit funny. No. Without help, she'll grow up to do this with nearly everyone in her life, and then she'll wonder why she is so very alone (work, marriage, kids).
She would not do it to a teacher. It is very disrespectful. "to mock is to make fun of or mimic someone with contempt, ridicule, or derision." If you disrespect your mom, you cannot receive love from your mom. Can you?
**EXACTLY. Nice work, kid. Miracle.
The Miracle from Being Persistent
2nd EMAIL:
Yes,
It IS a miracle. A year ago, our family was a war zone.
**Oh, I remember.
We had holes in walls and dented metal water bottles thrown in anger and bruises and cursing and complaining and loneliness and unhappiness and confusion. I think they all get (understand and feel) how things are so much better now.
**I remember all that, and more. Police called, hitting, utter confusion, resentment like poison gas in the air. Yeah, what a way to live, and it was so prevalent that you saw it as NORMAL, as do so many families.
Living with real love, in real love, is like living in a new universe, but right there, at the same time, in the old universe. But instead of things being drab and heavy, things are sparkly and light.
There is a map now.
**Oh my, the map. What a difference. It doesn't matter how far off course we get if we acquire a map, location, and compass. (Or even a guide)
These were child 1’s own words last night, "I'm not jealous of people who look happy anymore. I'm focused on getting loved, being loving and responsible - you know, to get happy."
**She brought all the lessons together in one moment, without simply repeating what you had said. Huge.
Yes, she herself made the connection between staying out of other people's business and getting so much of her own work done.
**Explain new rule (simply shut up and don't talk to siblings for a while. It stopped the meddling and condescension and arguments). CHILD noticed she had much more free time to get homework and other things done.
She also said last night: "I'm not going to watch any media until I've caught up on all my APEX work - 2 weeks." --- It looks like she herself is enjoying doing well in her school work - doing the work, catching up, keeping up, understanding the material, reaping the benefits. You can make a plan and accomplish things and reap the benefits - you can create a life, you are not at the mercy of your own bad moods and circumstances. I think she is getting a taste of the power of it.
**WOW. Speechless. Now, you can't relax. Stay observant. Be AWARE and persistent. So much easier to prevent getting lost than to find your way back to the path after falling off a cliff.
