Children need to hear when they do something well, but NOT in the form of praise.
Timestamps:
00:00 A mother has family meetings every day.
01:14 12-year-old son describes a "failure" in loving his sister.
01:48 Failing at something is not the same as failing at being a human being.
03:07 An example of giving information instead of praise.
Transcript:
I know a mother who has done a sublime job of loving and teaching her children. Lots of mistakes, sure, but willing to learn, which has made all the difference. They have a family meeting every day. Imagine that. She followed the instructions of the parenting training, instead of merely watching the training. And those meetings set the tone for every day.
One of her customs at the meetings is to have the kids share something from the day before where they succeeded or failed to implement the three pillars of happiness—to feel loved, and to be loving and responsible.
One morning her 12-year-old son Trey volunteered to talk about a “failure.” His younger sister had gotten up in the morning before him and gone to the bathroom, where she was loudly blowing her nose. Trey was instantly annoyed and had terrible thoughts about marching in there and smacking her in the nose.
At the meeting, he admitted that his anger was unloving, and that he had “failed” to feel loving toward his sister. (Keep in mind that in this family they have learned that to “fail” at something is not the same as “failing” at being a human being. Failure is just a mistake, just information, just something to learn from.)
This would have been an excellent piece of truth telling all by itself. Nicely done. If Trey had said nothing, nobody would ever have known about his mistake, but this 12-year-old boy simply admitted it outright. He was vulnerable in a completely voluntary way. Yay.
But Mom didn’t stop teaching. She was wise enough to realize that admitting mistakes is certainly difficult and almost always good, but sometimes we need to see ourselves recovering from a stumble and learning a lesson. It needs to be pointed out to us.
Mom said to Trey, “That’s very honest of you, but I think it’s incomplete.”
Trey: “I don’t understand.”
Mom: “You were lying there in your bed irritated at your sister, but then what did you do?”
Trey: “I remembered you telling us at family meetings that blaming other people for us being angry is kind of stupid. And I remembered that I’m on a probationary period where I don’t get to blow up at anybody or be unkind for two weeks, before I can qualify to join that basketball league I told you about.”
Mom: “What did you DO next?”
Trey: “Nothing. I figured it wasn’t worth fussing at her about, so I closed my eyes for a few minutes until my alarm went off.”
Mom: “So when you got irked at the noise, you didn't get out of bed and kill her?”
Trey smiled and said no. Smart using humor.
Mom: So that sounds more like a victory story than a failure story. You already know that when something inconveniences you, getting angry is a kind of automatic reaction that gives you a rush of power for a few seconds. Often you can’t help that. But what matters is what you do AFTER those few seconds, and it sounds like you got over it nicely.
**He did, and Mom identified the victory. Nice work. Kids need to hear when they do something well. NOT praise, just pointing out when they get what matters, and how it works better. This Mom is truly loving and teaching her child. Big stuff.
