Timestamps:
00:00 Mother and daughter agree on a plan for the daughter to earn money for a special training by working full time over the summer.
04:22 Daughter doesn't work as planned but mother doesn't nag.
04:55 Daughter asks mom for a loan and mom refuses.
06:28 Mother teaches her about responsibility with an example.
09:09 A hard lesson but necessary lesson to learn.
10:49 The importance of teaching these lessons.
Transcript:
When I first learned about Sarah, she was sixteen and a talented volleyball player. At the end of the school year, the high school coach suggested that she begin playing with a traveling volleyball club.
The Agreement
Sarah's mother said that she would be supportive in helping where she could, but that Sarah would have to work a full-time summer job to pay for her participation in the club. You have to pay a fee for all those other costs I talked about. And Sarah promised that she would get a job.
Before the end of the school term, she promised she would get a job then so she'd have a job at the beginning of the summer. But after a week of summer, Mom found out that Sarah hadn't applied for employment anywhere, so she had a month during school and a week of summer and she hadn't done anything.
Mom chose not to nag Sarah. And during summer, Sarah mostly just, you know, lounged around, as well as spending what little money she did have on frivolous purposes.
The Broken Agreement
So when it came time for school to start, and for Sarah to have the money to participate in the club, Sarah had essentially nothing. Sarah said, “Mom, I just need you to loan me enough that I can begin to play with the club.”
And Mom, brilliantly, said, “The agreement was clear from the beginning, from a month before the summer arrived, and the agreement did not involve me giving you a loan. And you agreed to it. We established the agreement together. In fact, it's in writing.”
“But I really need this,” Sarah says, and tears are welling up in her eyes.
Mom, said, “What you mean is that you want this. It's not a genuine need. It's not like food and water. And it turns out that not only do you not need it, but you don't really want it, either.”
Now, that surprised Sarah to hear. She was furious. She said, “What do you mean, I don't want it? I do want it. I've been waiting for this for a long time.”
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Mom said, “Words, just words. Let me teach you something. Do this little mind exercise with me. Let's say that there are two women, woman A and woman B. They both declare with great sincerity with tears running down their cheeks that what they want to do is swim on their country's Olympic team.
"Woman A works full-time to pay for pool time. Turns out that for a good pool, you have to. You don’t just get to go swimming when you feel like it. You have to pay for time, a swim coach, and travel to swim meets all around the country. She also trains at least six hours a day, stroke after unending stroke. Swimming requires a lot of training in the pool. That’s woman A. She did all that. That's a lot of work.
"Woman B sits on the couch, much like you have been doing all summer, watching movies, playing video games, and using her phone. Now, tell me, even though they both said they wanted to participate in the Olympics, which woman really wants to swim in the Olympics?”.
“Well… but…” But Sarah couldn't finish the sentence because she knew she was trapped. She knew who really wanted to go to the Olympics.
Mom said, “Sarah, I really believe that you are intellectually sincere when you say that you want to play on a club, but you are the second woman I just described. You’re not like her. You are her. But I'm not willing to give you money for something that you have thoroughly proven with your behavior — remember, words are nothing — that you don't really care about. You can protest that you care. But your behavior screams the truth.”
Now, this was a hard lesson for Sarah to learn, but Mom cared enough about her daughter to realize that playing volleyball was not likely to play a key role in the rest of Sarah's life. Mom recognized that being responsible was a skill that Sarah would use every day of the rest of her life.
Teaching Responsibility
So many of us are like Sarah's mother, and you'll be able to apply this to so many situations. Sure, we made lots of mistakes. We taught our children to be irresponsible, selfish, and more. All we can do is learn to love and teach them now.
But these lessons have to be taught, because the alternative, which is to raise children who are selfish and irresponsible is unthinkable. And that's why you're here, to learn how to give them an opportunity for a richly fulfilling life.
