The Time to Teach is Now
Many years ago a mother called me to ask what could “be done” about her eight-year old daughter, Elsa, who was already a terror: screaming her defiance at the slightest suggestions from her mother, bullying her brother, lying, stealing, failing school, and more. Yes, I know, that’s a lot of trouble for a child only eight years old.
I described to Mom the vast resources available to her: books, video chats, conference calls, coaches, and more. There was no Ridiculously Effective Parenting Training then.
She thanked me and then did nothing. Learning to love and teach a child sounded like “a lot of work” to her.
Ten years later Mom called me. Now, at eighteen, Elsa had been in and out of detention centers, recovery facilities, and mental health institutions. Short of murder, there were few misbehaviors she hadn’t tried or wasn’t addicted to.
Mom described this to me, and asked me what she could do. My recommendations were similar to what I had said ten years before, and Mom expressed her doubts about whether anything would work. “She’s impossible,” Mom said.
No Time to Take Care of Her Children
For years I worked as an emergency room physician and director. One late night a mother appeared with her three young children. One of them had a serious case of measles, which was uncommon even then after widespread vaccinations had become available.
Measles sounds like a minor illness—and often it is—but most people are too young to remember the times when uncounted children experienced serious complications from the disease: pneumonia, blindness, deafness, brain infection, permanent brain damage, and death.
I asked the mother why she hadn’t had any of her children vaccinated. “Didn’t have time,” she said, despite having no job and sitting home all day. She was in the emergency room only because the child had a fever and was crying from the pain of an ear infection.
I pointed out that she did have time, and she retorted that she didn’t have “the money for it,” despite my seeing her smoking without stopping while she was in the waiting room.
This child could easily have become permanently impaired, or died, because Mom “didn’t have time” to get the child vaccinated, despite the shots being available at the local health clinic—a bus ride from her home—at no charge.
Take the Time to Learn and Love
Loving and teaching children is easier and more effective when they’re young than if we wait until they’re older, much as eating and exercise are easier and more effective in our early years than beginning these patterns when we’re older and recovering from a heart attack.
Many years ago—when he was in his early twenties—my brother used to buy a used car every year or so, and on each occasion the engine completely failed in some way.
Because the repairs cost more than replacement in each case, he was throwing cars away at what I thought was an unusual rate. One day I was curious, so I asked him how often he changed the oil in his engine.
He lifted one brow and said, “Oil?”
Although my brother had purchased several cars, he’d never known that changing oil was a desirable feature of engine maintenance. This is quite similar to people who bring children into the world but then do nothing to maintain them, other than the physical basics.
Children MUST be loved and taught, or they break down, much like cars.
Miracles are Possible
If you have an older child—meaning mid-teens or older—miracles are still possible. I’ve seen dramatic changes in children older than forty as their parents learned to love and teach them, but once your children get past a certain age—different with every child—you can’t teach them, and often they won’t let you love them.
The time to love and teach our children is right now, with all the focus and commitment we have.
