Learn what to do when your child is bullied and feels worthless and ashamed. Even "little" things can be traumatic for a child and they have to be addressed or the child grows up feeling ashamed and alone.
Timestamps:
00:00 Man describes an incident that happened to his granddaughter. 01:51 How to address a traumatic "little" thing in a child's life.
03:50 Example of how to love and teach a child in the same situation. 11:34 Explanation of why a child bullies others.
12:42 Keep talking until SHE can explain why the boy laughed at her.
Transcript:
A man wrote me and said, "I was at a pizza restaurant with my 8-year-old granddaughter, Marly, and she dropped a big piece of pizza on the floor. A boy about her age walked by right then, pointed his finger at her, and laughed. It bothered her a lot." Greg: Of course it bothered her a lot. Your eight-year-old granddaughter heard this kid-a peer, whose opinion would matter to her-say:
"You're clumsy."
"You're stupid."
"You're worthless to the point of being comical."
And she FELT worthless and ashamed. That would bother almost anybody."
Grandpa: What could I have said to love and teach her?
Greg: That is a brilliant question on your part. Brilliant and kind. If only all parents had the insight to understand how traumatic such "little" things can be for a child. And they have to be addressed, or the child grows up feeling ashamed and alone.
t's also very likely that your granddaughter gets those messages periodically from her parent(s). I'm not going to tell you what to say to your granddaughter. Everybody is different, so I can't know from here what SHE needs to hear in the moment. What I WILL do is give you an example of ONE way you could love and teach her-assuming that today the same thing happened in the pizza restaurant. I'm making it specific because giving you specific words gives you a FEELING that you won't get from just general instructions.
So, let's set it up again. Your granddaughter, Marly, drops a piece of pizza on the floor-topping side (messy side) facing down on the floor. Yuck. The boy makes fun of her, and a look of pain crosses her little face. What could you say? One possibility. You could say, "Marly, you made a tiny, tiny mistake. You dropped a piece of pizza on the floor. Maybe you were even careless. (Don't lie, kids know when you're trying to make them feel better, as opposed to actually loving and teaching them) "I've made the same mistake myself. It's nothing. It will clean up just fine. In fact, we'll go and get the manager to do that (no rescuing).
"But it's not the pizza that matters to me. Look me in the eye." (She looks you in the eye, possibly with some encouragement, like you touch her chin so that it raises her head to look you in the face.)
You: Marly, do I love you? (your tone is very important) Calm, not interrogation.
Marly: (likely pause) Yeah. (very likely she'll lower her eyes again.)
You: Look me right in the eye, my little one. Are you sure I love you?
Marly: Yeah. You: Do I love you less if you drop a piece of pizza on the floor?
Marly might answer "No," or she might not know what to say. Either way, you say: "No. I don't care about the pizza. I love you no matter what. You believe me?"
Marly nods.
You: Now, why did that boy laugh at you?
Marly: Because I dropped the pizza.
You: Not really. It wasn't about you. HE does NOT have people he's sure about loving him-like you do-so without feeling loved, he has learned to make fun of other people so that he feels stronger like he's worth something. But it doesn't work. He's a bully. You know what that is?
Marly nods.
You: Laughing at you doesn't make him feel loved or happy, but for a moment he feels stronger when he laughs at you. It's a lie he tells himself. Can you see that?
Greg: Then you keep talking with her until SHE can explain why he laughed, and why she doesn't care, because no matter what he does, she still has YOUR love. You might even drop a piece of YOUR pizza on the floor, right next to hers and ask her if she likes being with you less. Of course not. Point made. You laugh about it.
Nobody cares if pizza is on the floor, but everybody wants to feel loved, and she's old enough for you to teach her that. She's lucky to have a grandfather who loves her enough to teach her this.
