Listen to a real parent's account of how she loved and taught her unhappy, manipulating children to be sharing, happy, responsible, and loving.
Timestamps:
00:00 Four-year-old plays with his mother's phone without permission and mother's teaching opportunity.
03:07 Words that always come across with the feeling of irritation.
04:42 Mother's response doesn't come across as loving.
05:43 Why we keep repeating ourselves.
06:35 Require the child to express his understanding of it.
09:14 Another way to teach the same lesson.
11:24 How to teach about ownership and when to exercise the right to own or share.
Transcript:
This is from a mother who is experienced with loving and teaching.
A Mother Tries to Teach Ownership
Her son, Timmy, is four years old
HER:
Today, Timmy picked up my phone and started playing with it. And I explained to him for what seems like the millionth time that he can't take things that don't belong to him without asking. And as I was talking to him, I got this idea.
I picked up HIS watch, and I said "this is MINE, I can do whatever I want with it", and he was half upset but half laughing at what I was saying. I asked him how it felt when I did that, and then I asked him if he would rather that I just TAKE his watch, or if he’d prefer that instead I ASKED, "Timmy, can I look at your watch?".
At first, he said he still wanted to take my phone anyway, but then I just began to take more of his favorite things and put them in a basket to take with me when I left the room. I put my phone on the table and I said "Timmy, you can take my phone if you want, but if you do, I will start taking your things too". And then I just left him in the room, taking the basket of his stuff with me. A couple of minutes later, he came back, sat down next to me and said "Mommy, I won't do that anymore". Now, I just need to be consistent about this stuff, he can't take stuff that isn't his and do whatever he wants with it.
**Not a terrible answer—better than most. No obviously angry outburst, as you used to do. You did get him thinking about taking things not his, but let’s look at what happened, and see if we can learn from it.
**You (mom) said, “I explained to him for what seems like the millionth time that he can't take things that don't belong to him without asking.”
First, there is no way we can say—or think—“for what seems like the millionth time” without feeling some irritation. So you would have come across irritated.
2. And then you taught a lesson of what seems exactly like retaliation. You said, “What if I took your stuff?” YES, it makes a point—after you said that, he DID then say that he wouldn’t use your stuff anymore—but is it a loving point? Will it last?
Your point was, “I’ll take your stuff. How do you like that?” TRUE, he wouldn’t, but the truth isn’t enough. The truth in this way doesn’t come across as loving.
AND the way you did this, your child is the leader of this interaction: He takes, you take. You’re not leading.
How to Teach Ownership
**So what could you do instead?
Let’s go back to Timmy playing with your phone. Does he know he’s not supposed to?
YES, because—in your words—you’ve told him a “million” times. So why repeat it?
We do their emotional work for them over and over, nagging, so they don’t have to do any of their own work and just remember.
Instead, Require that HE understand it.
You might say when he’s playing with your phone: “Timmy, what are you doing?”
Him (likely): “I don’t know,” OR “playing with the phone.” (He’ll avoid being wrong)
You: Whose phone is it? (Teaching, and with right tone it’s lovingandteaching)
Him: Yours.
You: You can remember a lot of times when you’ve been kind and thoughtful. You love being like that, because it’s just happier, and it’s who you ARE. If you were being kind and thoughtful today, what would you do BEFORE you played with MY phone? (Require that he keep going and explain it. He knows the answer. Don’t give it to him.)
Now, to all of you listening, not just a response to this particular mother.
**The subject of this lesson is lots of things: lovingandteaching, responsibility (child for what he’s been taught), kindness. AND Ownership (we’ll emphasize this one).
Another way to teach same lesson:
Mom: “When we drive somewhere together, what car do we use?”
Child: (Ours)
Mom: “Do we sneak down the street and steal somebody else’s car?
Child: No.
Mom: “What if we steal it but we return it later? Now is it okay?”
Child: No
Mom: “Why not?
Child: Wrong. Not ours.
Mother explains that when we take other people’s things, it’s Wrong, as in unloving (the other person wouldn’t like it) and irresponsible (can’t take ownership—a form of responsibility—from others).
More of how to Teach OWNERSHIP
Timmy has toys that are HIS, and his brother has to ask before he uses Timmy’s toys.
Mom has phone that is hers
Some things are owned by Mom and Dad, but it is UNDERSTOOD that everybody can use them, if they are not abusive (everybody can use carpet, the floors, the roof, their bed, )
It matters to kids to understand this. Owning things themselves—even just a few in the beginning—helps them feel responsible (take care of) and important (matter, have a place, NOT more important owning more things—make that clear.
They enjoy that feeling of owning and being responsible. EXPLAIN all that, and then that they need to respect the right of other people to own things. (Same reasons)
What if a sibling takes something that Timmy owns? Relax (cause of so many fights, and if you’re not relaxed, they won’t be). (Depends on age)
Older Child is the Owner
If Timmy is Older than sibling: teach Timmy about ownership (like I’ve already illustrated). It’s yours. You have right to use it.
BUT (you say) is it worth INSISTING on your right if it causes conflict with a small child? (Emphasize “the right” vs “exercising right,” like four-way stop) You: You do have other toys. Your sibling will tire of it soon. People more important than things. So think about all that before you decide to insist on using particular toy. But do not force Timmy to share.
Usually, Just wait and relax. But if Timmy does insist, he CAN, and you need to support him by remind sibling that toy is Timmy’s, and that younger sibling has other toys too.
See what you’re doing? Lovingandteaching, so Timmy can make informed CHOICE and not just react in anger.
Younger Child is the Owner
If Timmy is Younger child, teach them both:
Teach young Timmy that toy not his, and it’s not kind to take. (Often won’t get it)
Don’t MAKE Timmy give up the toy, but if he keeps doing it, you can start taking Timmy’s toys (NOT like example above with Timmy and YOU, where it would seem retaliatory).
Teach older sibling that sometimes little kids don’t understand. Use won’t last long.
Yes, older sibling RIGHT. (As we explained)
Summary: Ownership & Sharing
Children do need things that are THEIRS, that they OWN, that they don’t HAVE to share. Sometimes they benefit from not sharing, sometimes from sharing for the benefit of others.
It’s all about learning and making choices, not the sharing or not sharing of a particular object.
