Feeling overwhelmed by your kids' persistence and demands? You're not alone! In this video, I talk about the tactics children use to test boundaries and how parents can confidently handle these challenges with persistence and purpose.
Timestamps:
00:16 Account of a documentary about wolves hunting buffalo.
02:25 Three factors that made the wolves successful.
07:11 Parenting with persistence and single-mindedness.
08:47 Parenting with confidence in their strength.
09:47 Parenting without being afraid of a child's disapproval.
11:20 Successful parenting.
Transcript:
Persistence and Purpose in Nature
I watched a documentary where wolves were being filmed as they hunted buffalo. There were about a dozen wolves that I could see. Maybe 20 buffalo.
The largest wolves weighed about 150 pounds, while the largest buffalo weighed 2000 pounds. That's a lot bigger. And sure, wolves have sharp teeth and they can kill.
But buffalo can use their much greater weight to simply step on a wolf or kick it. If they step on one, which they can do, because they're pretty quick, and if the wolf is in the way, they can — the buffalo can break limbs, crush vital organs, or even break ribs, which pierce lungs or the heart.
And that's it for the wolf. They have also really large neck muscles. Look at a picture of a Buffalo. And they can rapidly swing their horns, which then can become an effective weapon, impaling and killing wolves.
Predators like wolves do not always have the advantage that we think. We think that they just select a herd and they win. On average, of all the documentaries I've seen, they fail eight to ten times for every success. It’s tough being a predator.
Wolves know that they cannot afford to be injured in the battle. They can't even be injured, because then they're unable to hunt, which means death, which comes slowly and painfully. You can't have a limping wolf chasing after prey. They can't keep up with the pack.
Now, back to the film that I saw. After a short chase, despite the individual and collective size advantage of the buffalo, which were huge, the wolves still enjoyed a meal of buffalo. So how could this have happened, considering the obvious advantages of the buffalo?
Three Factors in Persistence and Purpose
Well, let’s look at three factors. First, persistence and single-mindedness.
The Buffalo were occupied with finding grass, being at the right height of ground, of making sure that the slope wasn't too high, eating grass, staying together, looking for a place to spend the night, watching over the young, nursing the young, avoiding predators. The buffalo herd together had a whole bunch of things to do to live.
The wolves, however, at least during the hunt, we're focused on pretty much one thing: attacking and killing a buffalo. They were single-minded, and they knew they only had to kill one. They weren't facing an entire herd. Nah, they just needed one.
With a single focus, they simply persisted until they succeeded. They never stopped. They also knew what they were doing, the plan of attack, while the buffalo didn't know what the wolves’ next move was going to be — drive them this way, drive them that way, get ahead of them, come along the side, they didn’t know.
Two, the advantage of the wolves: individual points of weakness. The Wolves didn't attack the largest male buffalo. Never happens. They went after the younger, sicker, weaker animals.
And with their persistence, they always found one who separated from the pack. May have veered away from the larger animals or lagged behind. Something in some way separated them. That animal was then alone and no match for a pack of gnashing teeth.
Third, fear. At one time, I saw a piece of apparently rare footage of a single buffalo chasing down a single wolf, with a sense of real purpose. Proving that one buffalo isn't afraid of one wolf. He chased the wolf. It was hysterical, watching this grass eater chase down this animal that has teeth filling its mouth.
Why did the buffalo do that? I don't know, and the film didn’t explain it. Maybe protective instincts, since, you know, buffalo don't eat wolves. But I've seen it.
The wolf didn't stand a chance of hurting the buffalo, but a pack of wolves is growling, flashing teeth, dashing in and out, moving in all kinds of irregular directions, biting at the lower legs of the buffalo at every opportunity and creating a sense of chaos and disorder. Probably instinctively but very effective.
If the bison, which is the correct name for American buffalo, stand in a circle with the largest and the strongest animals facing outward, guarding the younger and weaker animals in the middle, the wolves can't do anything.
Really. They don't ever succeed, and they often fail, because the buffalo just sit there.
The wolves get cold and hungry, and they go off looking for something else. They won't charge in, taking the chance of being gored or trampled.
They lose interest and go away. But if they can frighten the group of buffaloes with that whole growling, barking, nipping thing and get them to run, they can always isolate a single animal, bring it down and overcome.
Persistence and Purpose in Parenting
As I watched the film, it occurred to me that the interaction of wolves and buffaloes is, regrettably, similar to the interaction of children and parents.
Not a perfect metaphor, but it’s pretty good and it's instructive. Let's look at the children playing the role of wolves, and the parents being the larger buffalo.
So let’s go through the three things: persistence and single-mindedness on uncounted occasions. I’ve watched children — and so have you — persist in demanding something, an activity, a toy, a game, a piece of candy in a store — demanding something. “I want it, I want it,” screaming, crying louder and louder until the parents simply wears out and gives in.
You've all seen this. It’s likely you've done it.
Like buffalo, parents are occupied with lots of things. They’re balancing so many needs that are screaming to be filled, whereas children can focus entirely on what they want in the moment.
Adults have a day full of activities that they've done a thousand things. They're worried about paying the mortgage, they're wondering if they're going to get promoted. They’re blah, blah, blah, and the kid wants that piece of candy, and you’re doomed.
All of his focus is on one thing. They throw in all their energy, which overwhelms the parents, who just want a moment of peace, please.
So the parent gives in, gives the child what he wants rather than what he needs, and the child learns a terrible lesson: If I behave badly, I'll get what I want.
Second, weakness. If parents are utterly confident in their strength like large male bison, the children and feel it. They're very observant and soon they give up the whining or the persistent trying to get a particular thing. They're also less likely to try the same thing in the future.
But if parents waiver in their determination about a decision they’ve made, children can smell it. And they go in for the kill. I am not trying to depict children pitted against their parents.
No, they just want a thing. All this happens unconsciously. I'm just pointing out striking similarities that can teach us something here, similarities between us and bison and wolves.
Third, is fear. Almost all parents are afraid of their children's disapproval. Once we're afraid, it's over. Our children can smell our fear, then we cannot love or teach them, and the wolves bring us down.
I've watched it over and over again. They get what they want, which is ease, comfort, entertainment.
They don't want to be taught, because they don't see the future value. They don't want to be taught things like responsibility, but if the wolves win, it's a hollow victory, because overall they lose, and they lose big.
They get what they want, but it's not what they need to be happy and fulfilled in life.
In the absence of guidance and love, the parent-child relationship does become adversarial, us against them. The wolves do take the field. The buffalo get eaten.
With parents and children, that's a disaster, because then the children have to parent themselves, and that never ever works out well.
Persistence and Purpose is the Solution
So what's the solution? One, we have to be as persistent and single-minded in loving and teaching as our children are in getting what they want, rather than what they need.
Second, we cannot afford to be weak. We can't. Can't afford to do it. Just like, can't afford to run red lights. Can't afford to break the law. There are some things you just can't do.
We have to be filled with the strength of Unconditional Love from others so we can loveandteach our children.
Third, fear. If we feel loved and loving, we will not fear. For real parents, that's parents who loveandteach, fear is not allowed, it’s forbidden. It’s prohibited. So we have to do whatever it takes to get there, to eliminate it.
Love and confidence eliminate fear, and it takes a lot of practice, doing all the principles in these weekly answers and in the training.
But we can do it. We can. We can stand as guards for the younger animals behind us, our kids.
We can safeguard them and make them strong. We have to. If we don't, nobody will come along and do it for us.
