A Reboot Solves the Problem
Every day I use a program that allows me to communicate with people all over the world, with both of us hearing each other and seeing each other—almost as though we were facing each other in the same room. It’s a remarkable technological achievement.
Although the program has improved considerably in its clarity and consistency in recent years, sometimes a significant malfunction occurs: one of us can’t see or hear the other, for example. At such moments, I used to fiddle with whatever settings I could get my hands on, which rarely did any good.
I finally figured out that if I simply closed and restarted the program, or shut down and rebooted my computer, that solved 90+% of my problems with that program. I discovered that my natural interest in knowing the specific cause of every problem was not always rewarding. Most of the time it’s easier just to solve the malfunction.
Children Don't Know Why They Behave Badly
You will discover a similar truth in raising children. When a child behaves badly, we want to know:
- Why did you lie to me?
- Why didn’t you do your homework?
- Why did you hit your brother?
- Why are you on your phone past the prescribed time?
First, your child almost never knows the answer to such questions.
Second, you already know the real answer to those questions, so why keep asking about specifics that won’t help you? What is the answer, then, to any question similar to this: “Why did you behave in that unloving way?”
Children Behave Badly, Just Reboot as a Parent
The answer is consistently a variation on the following: “Your child behaves in an unloving way to protect herself—because she is afraid—or to get something she wants because she is empty. In short, she doesn’t feel loved.”
Now that we know the general answer, we don’t need to tortuously pick apart the specific events that led up to the unloving behavior, much as I don’t need to know the specific electronic or computer coding problem that occurs when my program—described above—malfunctions. I just reboot, and so can we as parents.
What does that mean, to reboot as a parent? It means that we just solve the problem, or directly address the solution to the pain, rather than analyze it.
If our child is behaving badly because of a lack of love, we simply love and teach them, in the many ways described in the Ridiculously Effective Parenting Training and elsewhere. Don’t overthink the problem. Just reboot and solve it.
Summary
Children don’t know the answer to why they behaved badly.
Children behave badly because they are feeling afraid or empty. In short, they are feeling a lack of love.
Parents need to address a solution to the pain, not analyze the “why.”
