Estranged
A woman wrote to me:
“For ten years I have not had contact with my thirty-year-old son. Recently I wrote him and asked if we could arrange to meet, because after watching the parenting training I realized what a horrible job I had done as a mother to him.
"I was angry all the time, mostly at his father, but also pretty much at the world. He wrote back and told me that he didn’t want to see me again. Not ever. He also said that he had two children who would never meet me. I’m heartbroken. What can I do about this?”
Reconnecting with Your Estranged Child
In Chapter Six of the Ridiculously Effective Parenting Training we discussed how to tell the truth initially to children we’ve injured. I recommend that you review that material, but also keep in mind that what I said in that chapter was designed to be spoken to children still living in your home.
Now let me suggest SOME of the words you might say or write to an adult child who wants nothing to do with you. You will find expressions below that can be very effective in beginning the process of reconnecting with your adult child, but you will also find some that don’t apply to you.
Your first attempt will be more likely to succeed if you deliver it by text or other electronic message delivery.
- Before I say another word, you can relax. I don’t have a single critical thought to share with you here, and I’m not going to tell you what you need to do—for a change.
- I made your life hell. I did that. You are completely right. You have told me that I was toxic, and again, you are right. No excuses.
- Anything I say here is not to excuse my behavior, but I will EXPLAIN my mistakes, only so you can know that I’m beginning to understand how I affected you as a child and adolescent.
- I recently took a thorough course in parenting, where I learned what it really means to be a loving parent who can raise a child to feel loved and happy.
- I learned that I was FAR more unloving with you than I ever realized. I hurt you. I hurt you a lot. I can see that I didn’t intentionally hurt you, but that means nothing to a child. All you would have known was that I made you unhappy.
- I had unhealthy relationships with men, and those affected you.
- I was afraid/angry/controlling a LOT, and that would have filled your life with fear and loneliness.
- I drank far more than I should have, and that isolated me from you during tender ages when you needed me most.
- There were so many times that you showed me through tears, pleading, and asking for what you wanted that I wasn’t paying attention to what you really needed.
- Often I would turn you over to your dad, because I didn’t know how to be a parent, and I can’t imagine how painful that was for you.
- This list could go on and on, and it wouldn’t begin to describe all the damage I did in your life.
- You have every reason not to ever see me again, and I’m not writing this to get you to see me or talk to me. I have no right to persuade you to do anything. I do think you deserve to hear the truth about what I did to you.
- As a mother, I was a real failure with you. I was WRONG. I was very wrong.
- I’ve been learning some stuff about parenting, and now I know that all you ever wanted from me was love. I know I’ve claimed to love you in the past, but the kind of love you wanted was unconditional love. Unconditional love means that I care about you without wanting anything from you in return, and I haven’t done that—not for your whole life.
- How do I know I’ve wanted something from you and not loved you unconditionally? Because when you didn’t behave like I wanted, I got disappointed and irritated. When I was angry, I was thinking about myself—anger is always selfish—and I hurt you. When I was angry, I was caring about me more than you, so you felt like I didn’t care about you.
- I consistently put my pain before yours. I put my needs before yours, and then I justified what I did.
- You were right. I hurt you a lot. I had no idea how to love you as a mother. I was lost. My very best attempts to love you were not good enough. My efforts were pathetic. I can see that clearly now.
- It’s no wonder that you’ve avoided me and been angry at me.
- I can’t promise you that I’m different now, and that I would never hurt you again. But I can tell you that I’m LEARNING how not to repeat the past. It’s up to you what you do with that information.
After sending this message, you might hear back from him, but you might not.
How to Respond When Your Estranged Child Contacts You
What if you DO get a response to your first real attempt at telling the truth about yourself?
- Give him an opportunity to tell you specifically how he feels hurt or abandoned. You might say something like, “I’d love to hear about how I hurt you all those years. You don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings. I know I did a terrible job. I’m sure you were hurt by many things that now I don’t even remember.”
- Do NOT DEFEND yourself. No matter what. If he describes something you did that you remember differently—or don’t remember at all—keep in mind that your memory of those days is severely impaired by the fears you had then, as well as the pain and fears you have now.
- Do NOT be disappointed if his response is not an invitation for you two to get together in person. He may prefer to stay safe and communicate electronically. If his response is positive and encouraging, you MIGHT ask to raise the level of intimacy for the next interaction. If he texts you back, for example, you might ASK HIM if he’d prefer your next communication to be by email, text, or Skype. Don’t push him too fast.
What to Do if You Get No Response
What if you DO NOT get a response to your first real attempt at telling the truth about yourself, or if his initial response is a repetition of “I don’t want to have you in my life”?
Every couple of weeks, you could text him SIMPLE, short messages, like:
"Thinking of you."
"I'm having a lovely day here. I hope you are too."
"Loving you."
NEVER say anything that implies obligation for your son, like:
"Haven't heard from you."
"Would love to hear from you."
"Would love to know how you're doing."
If he continues not to respond, remember that he has a long list of reasons not to trust you. He’s just protecting himself.
In addition to the casual messages above, every few months you might send some tiny gift by mail: a handful of Hershey's kisses, for example. Nothing big. It's just a demonstration of your thinking about him and trying to connect in a non-threatening way.
Never Give Up on Your Estranged Child
I have seen miracles when parents follow the suggestions above. I’ve seen children begin communicating with their parents after decades of being completely apart.
Sometimes that requires a long process of gradually getting closer. Sometimes that process is punctuated by the child going backward to complete withdrawal, often for reasons unknown.
Keep trying. Keep loving. With an estranged child, your focus is just loving, not loving and teaching.
