Outside of loving and teaching simultaneously—to the point that those actions become one word, lovingandteaching—there are a great many other ways to parent. Far less effective ways.
Let's look briefly at two: giving the child whatever they want and the controlling parent.
Timestamps:
00:26 Some parents believe "loving" is giving their children whatever they want.
02:21 Some parents almost entirely "teach", which is a form of control.
03:03 Example of a woman who was controlled as a child.
04:49 Control is an illusion.
06:17 Marti's 4-year-old starts peeing in his pants.
07:40 Mother is obsessed with controlling all the time at home, work, and play.
10:15 Not controlling can be beautiful.
12:40 The difference between controlling and consistency.
15:00 The solution for the mother obsessed with controlling.
18:29 The results
19:23 Definition of addiction.
20:27 Solution is faith.
Transcript:
Enabling and Controlling
Some parents believe they are loving when they just give their children whatever they want. That’s not loving, which always involves teaching. “Loving” alone is enabling, spoiling, and fostering entitlement. A child who consistently gets what they want becomes demanding and impossible to please or to teach.
So that’s NOT loving. It’s enabling, and does NOT deserve the word “love.” Perhaps loving without teaching could be called “giving,” or “buying,” or “bribing,” or “avoiding conflict.” Some parents who are innately kind but have never been taught how to loveandteach would see enabling as a form of kindness, but it’s a twisted and dangerous simulation of kindness—a pretend kindness.
Almost an opposite to the “loving” kind of parenting are those parents who almost entirely “teach,” which is a clever way of saying that they control their children. They might call it teaching, but it often turns out to be constant instruction, otherwise known as bossing and controlling.
Controlling Becomes an Addiction
I know a woman, Marti, who is quite familiar with Real Love Parenting—REPT—but still sometimes has a hard time not giving in to HER need to control things.
She was controlled as a child, and as an adult she has learned to control people and circumstances so that she feels safe. She puts everything in order. Makes her world seem dependable and—here’s where it becomes an addiction—BETTER. So she controlled her job, her appearance, her husband, lots of things.
Now, I’m not saying that all control is bad. I’m all for a reasonable degree of control in driving a car, for example. But think how easily even that would turn into a harmful addiction if the need for control escalated to the point where a driver couldn’t leave their own driveway, for fear of losing control. Because if you drive, you DO lose some control—mechanical malfunctions, other drivers’ poor decisions, alcohol available everywhere (probably 1 in 3 drivers from midnight to 3 am).
One day Marti was describing to me how her four-year-old was peeing his pants more, lashing out more at her and other children. I asked her about her controlling as a possible cause. “No, I don’t think so,” she said.
What Controlling Can Look Like
I described to her how I would guess that an hour with her and her son would look. I said, “You tell me if I’m even close as I quote some of the things you might say in a single hour with him.” So I started proposing some quotes that she might say:
“Don’t do that.”
“Get down from there.”
“Come over here and see what I’m doing.”
“You’re going to spill that.”
“Pick that up.”
“Don’t run.”
“What do you want to do now?” Then, “Why don’t we do this instead?”
She hung her head and wept. She was exhausted from her controlling, her son’s rebellion, her increased controlling, her son acting out in other ways, and on and on. She looked like an overly wound clock spring.
Not only was her son behaving badly, but she was beginning to get sick more and more, missing more work. “I am afraid most of the time, with very small moments of peace.”
She described being obsessed with DOING things, just to create the feeling of control. Worked in garden, obsessed at work, obsessed about work while at home, meditated (obsessively), and so on.
Addictions are very sneaky. They tend to show up everywhere.
Her: “The fear of, well, nothing, everything, is so strong that I can’t make it go away. I meditate, I recite the things I’m grateful for, I read positive articles and books, and then I realize that I’m just DOING more things so that I don’t think of doing things.”
When she’s at work, everything has to be perfect. When not at work, she thinks about how to make things perfect at home and work.
The Beauty of Not Controlling
To her: Your need to control is so strong that while you're doing that, everything else—everything else you know that is true—kind of disappears, which is true for any addict. When you can remember the important stuff and NOT control something, you'll begin to experience sobriety. And happiness.
Not controlling can be beautiful. As we don’t control everything around us, things often turn out better than we might have controlled. Imagine controlling the blossoming of a flower for example. Far better to let the flower do its thing. More beautiful.
Another illustration of the beauty of not controlling: One day I watched a performance on the organ. Have to watch: stops, ranks, keyboards, pedals. I watched Bach Cantata and Fugue in D Minor, and precisely because I was NOT in control, that piece opened up its beauty under the uniquely creative interpretation of the organist. I was stunned, and happy that I had not been in charge of the playing.
Difference Between Consistency and Controlling
Now, we’ve talked about the advantages of not controlling, but in many places, notably the REPT, we’ve emphasized the need for consistency. What is the difference between consistency and control?
My sons consistently did their work before play. It was THE law. No exceptions. They did their work. They knew that work makes us happy and strong.
But when they did their work, I did not control how they did it. I did control THAT they did it, because without a sense of responsibility we cannot achieve the joy we want in this life. Notice, I controlled what mattered, what I KNEW would lead to happiness, without stifling creativity.
When they played, I did not control how they played. Snorkel, jeep, mudding, pipe bombs.
The Solution to Stop Controlling
Now back to controlling, and what is the solution for this mother?
Cut the meetings in half that you attend. Have those who report to you run the other half.
Create, contemplate, build relationships with people you work with instead.
She did. She got just as much done, and it was far more enjoyable.
With your son, CLOSE your mouth. ASK yourself each time BEFORE you speak whether you really need to say what you’re about to say. Is it controlling?
She did. He quit acting out. She’s happier, healthier, more fulfilled.
She was ADDICTED to controlling. She went backward a few times, and I emphasized the need for prolonged sobriety.
In AA, well known that it’s not just the length. You can relapse anytime. But during that first year or two, it’s especially important to be sober so you can know what SOBER FEELS LIKE.
Same with controlling, drugs, electronics, and porn addicts. They have no idea what sobriety is until their connection to real joy and to the truth enables them NOT to use in a given moment, then another moment, then another—WHILE they are sorely tempted to use.
She reported longer periods of sobriety. Then she felt more loved, which is requisite to certain levels of love (can’t feel loved if indulging in addictions to Imitation Love regularly).
Outcome of Stopping Her Controlling
Her: “Finally, after all this practice, I FEEL safe. I only felt the need to control everything because I felt so unsafe and crushed as a kid. But now I realize I’m not a kid. You love me. A lot. I can remember that when I’m not using fear or control. God loves me. No one can crush me now, I am safe. I'm ok. I'm ok.”
**YES. That. It's WHEN you LET GO of control that you have felt most safe. I've seen you do it. But then you control again, can’t help it. That's the very definition of addiction. But now you’re learning what it means to be sober, and it’s working. It turns out that the solution to fear—counter-intuitively—is NOT protecting ourselves, or distractions, or control. The solution is faith.
We make a DECISION to believe the truth—the love we have, the truth of the order and beauty of the universe, or God—and to ignore the sometimes-overpowering feelings of fear. Truth, love, and faith are more powerful than confusion or fear, which does incite powerful emotions more easily, but not more powerfully.
“I'm so tired of the constant to-do lists and fear of not getting it all done. I actually enjoyed not having to tidy any of the mess I saw this morning around the house. I showered and couldn't even be bothered to dry my hair, so I left it a mess (which I never do when I go out, as I did). It felt good.
**Freeing. Being you.
“I think maybe I am ready for this change despite how much it scares me. I'm looking around everywhere in my house at the things that need tidying and almost feeling relief that I can just leave them there.”
**You really can. What helped us survive in the past almost always makes it impossible for us to live, to really thrive, in the present. (PCSD book)
I've wondered how much I can even clean up as I go (putting my old clothes in the laundry instead of dropping them on the floor. Making my bed when I wake up….isn’t this all tidying?).
**Yes, and that’s your call. Depends on your intent as you clean up—fun or compulsive. If in doubt about intent, in the beginning, you might need to go "too far" the "other way" in order to lose your addiction. Simply don't do stuff. Let it go. Feel free. Leave the room messy. Let son just make a mess, but then later require him to pick it up—but with a completely laissez-faire attitude. (Consistent but not controlling)
Every addiction will kill us and suck the fun out of the room for others. Same with controlling. This is just a great example to illustrate that, and what we can do about it.
