Consequences work. First, you love and teach. Then love and teach again. Then require your CHILDREN to tell you what they’re learning and give them a chance to change their perspective before moving on. If they refuse to choose wisely, you begin to apply consequences until you get their attention.
Example of How Consequences Work
Mom called me to say, “Consequences really work. Wow.” Then she told me how her fourteen-year-old son, Bill, had come home from school with a snotty attitude, which involved saying something unkind to his sister. Immediately Mom said, without a trace of anger, “What are you doing right now?”
Bill was not in the mood for correction, so he responded with, “Nothing” and began to stomp out of the room.
Mom called out, raising her voice a little to be heard but not with anger: “Stop. Come back here. You know the drill. I’ve taught you about flinging your attitude around before, and you understood me. Just now I gave you a chance to learn simply by you recognizing what you were doing. If you had done that, this conversation would not be happening. But you refused and gave me more attitude. So, when words fail, what comes next?”
With less attitude but still plenty of it, Bill said, “Consequences.”
“You got the word right,” Mom said, “but you’ve still got attitude. So now you have a choice. You can try again to answer my question without attitude, or I can increase the consequence. Remember, YOU are choosing now whether to have a little consequence or a bigger one.”
Bill got quiet and with sincerity—not perfect but enough—he said, “If I can’t learn with words, I get consequences to teach me.”
“Nice learning,” Mom said. “Because you chose to learn early—without a fit or anything—the consequence is small. There are a few dishes on the counters around the kitchen. Wash them and wipe the counters. That’s all.”
Why the Consequences Work
Bill accomplished the task in less than ten minutes, and then Mom said that his attitude was GONE. She was amazed.
I told her that:
- She had been loving to Bill, which made ALL the difference.
- She had immediately noticed the attitude and acted sooner instead of waiting for it to get worse.
- She gave him TWO opportunities to notice his attitude and change it—with words and a small consequence—before moving to something more serious.
- Bill FELT that he was being given a choice, and he LIKED that. Every kid likes having choices over being forced to do something.
Mom said, “His attitude was good for the rest of the day. All the rest. After the interaction with Bill, my daughter was whining about something, and I said, ‘Do you want to continue doing that?’ Keep in mind that she had SEEN my conversation with Bill. Immediately, with a wry smile, she said, ‘Nah, I’m done whining for now.’ And it was OVER. Miracle. Consequences work when I’m loving and consistent. Who knew?”
Love and teach. Then love and teach again. Then require your CHILDREN to tell you what they’re learning and give them a chance to change their perspective before moving on. If they refuse to choose wisely, you begin to apply consequences until you get their attention.
