It is important to give an immediate consequence, with no anger, to a young child or he won't learn.
Timestamps:
00:43 4-year-old child refuses to go to preschool and why you can't reason with a 4-year-old.
01:25 Check their temperature to make sure they aren't sick.
02:18 Be aware if behavior is atypical for him before giving consequences.
04:38 What to do if behavior is an exception to his normal behavior.
05:16 If not getting ready is normal behavior, don't help him. That's enabling.
06:23 For a 4-year-old, consequence must be immediate. They live in the present.
08:16 Examples of immediate consequences.
15:02 Dad's honest reactions to the child's misbehavior.
18:59 Must stay filled up with love to be able to love your children.
Transcript:
This is from a father of several children. Lovely illustration of loving and teaching—or not—and the importance of giving an immediate consequence in a daily, practical situation.
Immediate Consequence and a Four-Year-Old
Dad: Most mornings my wife, Marie, gets the kids dressed and then I drive them to daycare. Very routine, very little variance. But this morning Brian—the 4-year-old—was out of sorts. He was whiney and slow getting ready, complaining that he didn't want to go to preschool.
**Couple of things to understand about four-year-old kids.
- Reasoning with them is an iffy proposition. Often kind of stupid to try. Usually leads to an argument, and you won’t really win.
- Sometimes they’re just sick. You really have to get a feel for this one, or you can screw things up badly. If you pour consequences all over the head of a sick 4-year-old, you’re really not going to like how things go. Check the kid’s temperature.
- If his being “out of sorts” is an EXCEPTION to the normal routine, something is just OFF. Maybe illness, maybe not. As parents we MUST understand whether a particular unproductive behavior from a child is an exception or is the norm. If the norm, loving and teaching and consequences HAS to be employed. All the way. If an exception, just love and support.
**Continuing #3. I have a child who consistently does NOT take out the garbage. Love and teach over and over. Then consequences:
- Sleep outside with the garbage
- Put garbage all over their bed
- Add other chores.
BUT if they usually DO take out the garbage, then just say, “Garbage.”
**Kid with attitude waking up. If that’s exception, just say, “Hey, you want happier? “Or just touch more and help more. But ONLY if it’s a true exception. Otherwise, you’re enabling and training to have an attitude. HUGELY important to get this.
Why You Need an Immediate Consequence for a 4-Year-Old
Dad: There is a standing consequence—that he understands—that when he acts like this, then he has to go to bed earlier that night by 30 mins.
**There is one thing 4-year-olds do better than adults. They live in the PRESENT. That’s great when it comes to enjoying life, but it stinks when it comes to delayed consequences. He will NOT learn anything from a consequence that follows his unacceptable behavior by more than a few seconds.
In order to give children a reason to choose more wisely, there needs to be a consequence following a poor choice that is IMMEDIATE and unpleasant. Simple: Bad choice = unpleasant. Good choice = better. He can't factor in a consequence that will come that much later.
What are some immediate consequences in the morning, while preparing to leave and in hurry.
First, eliminate the hurry. Go to bed earlier, get up earlier, giving TIME for family meetings, consequences, and more.
Consequences?
- No breakfast.
- Some breakfast thing he hates, which he doesn’t have to eat.
- If delaying, he goes to pre-school in his pajamas.
- OR you choose clothes you know he won’t like. (Sister’s dress)
- Get box and start loading his favorite toys into it, saying that you’ll be putting them away, where he can’t use them. Keep loading until the attitude changes.
Dad: So, we did make a kind of breakfast, put it in a paper bag, and take it with us to daycare. Once we got there he refuses to get out of the car. Still whining, etc.
I tell him that he will now have an earlier bedtime and of course he gets worse.
**Immediate consequence. RIGHT THEN, or he won't learn. It's how you train a dog. Take a harness with you, and put him in it. He can get out of the car immediately, or you will pull him out, just like you would a dog or cow. NO ANGER, or it will be threatening and condescending.
Dad: So I took his sister into pre-school, and he was still in the car, and I went insane. I got scared he was still in the car unsupervised. I got scared I was going to be late for work. I got scared.
**Nice example of truth telling. You were lost, confused, frustrated, and it was going to affect you personally and your work. Pain. Fear. Good to see. And yeah, that doesn't work very well.
Dad: So I went out and yanked him out of the car. He fell and hit his knee. I bullied him into the school. He was of course crying and miserable.
**GREAT truth telling. The kind we all need to be doing with each other. (You can do this on Facebook Ridiculously Effective Parenting Training Group page) But in this interaction with Brian, you got a power struggle with a four-year-old, which never, ever works out. It puts you at his level, and it turns out that he’s better at being a 4-year-old than you are.
Dad: When he got into the school building, he was upset that he’d had no breakfast. I picked him up and explained that he had no breakfast because he chose to whine instead of being responsible. He chose to keep whining, and didn't grab it and get out of the car. I'm sure that was lost on a crying 4-year-old that I had just poured my anger and frustration all over.
I have found myself with less love and patience for all of the children lately. I realize it has been going on longer than I want to admit to myself. I have been trying to go it alone. I have felt distanced from Marie. I have not been responsible. I have not been trying to get love and as a result have no love to give. I have been a crummy father.
Any help you can give me will be appreciated.
**We can’t give what we don’t have. You HAVE to stay filled up. DAILY discussions with your wife. Read Real Love in Marriage together. Get on the Real Love Parents Facebook page. Talk to some of those people face-to-face on Skype. Get the love that both you and your child need. It is not a lot of work. It IS a huge change in focus and perspective. But you are worth it, are you not? And so are your children.
