Children Naturally Learn by Watching Your Example
A father, Rob, called me and described how his 13-year-old son, Damien, was making less-than-flattering comments about the appearance of people around him—especially women. “She probably shouldn’t put on a bathing suit, ya think?” Damien would ask, laughing, or—at the other end of the spectrum—“Look at the body on that woman.”
Rob didn’t notice it much at first, since such comments from men are common, but then he began to respond with an uncomfortable laughter, so he could be supportive of his son. Then he realized that what Damien was doing wasn’t helping him to be a loving person, so Rob and I talked about it one day.
“He’s watching you,” I said. “He’s watching you all the time. Children are either mimicking their parents, or they’re reacting to the pain inflicted by their parents. All the time.”
I asked Rob if he could remember making such comments about women himself, where Damien could hear him. I could hear Rob take a hurried breath to begin his denial, but before he spoke he exhaled and breathed in again, more slowly. In that moment, it was clear that he had changed his mind, and admitted sheepishly that he had objectified women in many ways. He hadn’t been aware of it, because it was normal in his culture, but with a little thought he could see his behavior more clearly.
Children Copy Your Example and Habits
“He’s repeating what he’s heard me say,” Rob said. “I really didn’t see it. I thought I was just joking around, but I wasn’t being kind, and Damien followed my example.”
“Kids are watching all the time,” I said.
“I’m embarrassed,” he said.
“Nah, don’t be. Just be aware. Be more aware of what you’ve done and what you do, and talk to Damien about respecting and caring about other people. Tell him that every time he talks about somebody else’s appearance, he’s reducing them to objects, and he’s making himself smaller in the process. Then gently and lovingly point out the occasions when Damien does it again, and—if you’re really brave—ask Damien to tell you if you say anything about how people look.”
A few weeks later, Rob told me that Damien had quit making comments about women’s bodies—either critical or “flattering”—and that Rob had quit making them too. The two of them felt closer to each other and had enjoyed identifying and eliminating that behavior, which they both recognized as unloving.
They’re watching you. Be aware of how you speak and behave, because it’s with your behavior—not your principles alone—that you’ll influence your children most.
Summary
Children naturally learn from observing the people around them.
Often children learn by example principles and habits that will not make them happy.
As parents we must love and teach in a way that our children will learn the principles and behaviors that will make them happy.
