As parents. we must begin preparing now, and never give up.
Timestamps:
00:00 A Mother has practiced Real Love with her angry teenage daughter Rona for the past 6 months.
01:41 Rona is rude to her sister, the mother makes a plan to deal with it.
03:44 Why people lash out at others.
05:10 Just reacting or choosing kindness.
08:16 What matters is what you do next when you are triggered.
09:37 The importance of daily meetings to prepare a teenager to go out on their own and not fail.
12:38 Mother's calm reaction to Rona's angry outburst.
15:27 The sad future consequences of living with the attitude that things will be better "when".
16:22 Mother's continued calm reaction to Rona's hateful outburst.
17:43 Rona calmed down.
18:28 The effect of continual lovingandteaching and not giving up.
Transcript:
I’m going to share with you a conversation I had—by email and by Skype—with a mother who has been practicing Real Love for about six months with her teenage daughter, Rona.
During that time, Rona’s previously snotty attitude had improved—a lot, considering that previously she got her way with tirades, foul language, and outright defiance. And she was more responsible around the house.
Preparing Child with Short Meetings
But problems still occurred—nothing big, but regularly—so Mom had a meeting for 5-10 mins every day just with Rona—even though there were other children and a daily family meeting for everyone. This is dedication—and awareness.
Mom told me about a conversation she had just had with Rona, who at the time was a couple of months into her last year of high school, not far from going to college (scary time).
Mom: “Rona was rude to her sister an hour before our usual meeting, so I waited to make that that subject of our meeting.”
Me: That was smart. We always have to address unloving behavior, but sometimes we can wait until we have their full attention.
Mom: Rona had been rude-moody-mopey since coming back from a trip to the university she was planning to attend on a softball scholarship.
After she admitted her attitude toward her sister, and described how she would handle it differently, she sat on my lap and cried. She said that all the girls on the softball team were really nice, there was great food and music, it was a great experience.
But despite all that, she started feeling lonely, insecure, not good enough. And she said she was crying about still feeling that way. It hurts, she said.
Preparing Her Child to Be Kind Away from Home
Me to all: When Rona lashes out at people—when she is unloving—she consistently feels alone, insecure, not good enough. (That’s what happens when people live outside the flow of love that fills the universe. If you Live outside light, it feels dark. Sit far enough from fire, it feels cold.)
Unloving feels bad—outside the light and warmth. And It's a cycle. Rona feels bad about herself, then she ACTS badly, and then she feels worse about herself.
She needs to see that, and she needs to see that she expects CIRCUMSTANCES AND PEOPLE to break the cycle.
IF SHE chooses to be kind—like she was not with her sister—her life will go so much better (girls at college, she just knew what she was like).
Yes, she is reacting to a lifetime of pain, but . . . well . . . too bad. She has to grow up and make happier choices—which Mom is helping her to do—or she will go to college and end up as the isolated and grumpy member of the team, and then end up dropping out or being kicked out (almost predictable). Mom needs to help break that cycle NOW, especially while Rona is at home and can be helped.
Preparation of Love and Guidance
Mom: She was trying to understand why she gets this way. I asked her if she knows the fundamental reason why she is this way - she knows (not loved as child, feels less than worthwhile).
I told her I am going to teach her something very important and new: it does not really matter what exactly triggered you—with your sister or girls on team—or why you got triggered.
What matters is what to do next. Like the example of the starving person - does not matter to analyze WHAT nutrients you didn’t get. Just begin now eating nutritious food.
I asked her: What is the food you need? She said "getting loved". I said yes, getting loved and getting taught. And you have not gotten any of that in the last 3 days (resisting, not coming to talk to me) - and look where it got you. So - we are going to have daily meetings again. (We had been skipping those)
Me: Without that preparation of love and guidance, she won't believe how badly she'll feel if she fails at college. You won’t be able to rescue her.
Loving and Teaching an Angry Child
Mom: We proceeded with the meeting. She seemed better, but her attitude was not completely gone. She took notes and some annoyance came out again.
I had some chocolate in the office and shared with her. She finished it off, and said to me: "Do you really think it's a good idea to always have chocolate up here?" She said it in the tone of a teacher, or boss, not kind, correcting, judging. I told her so. She denied it.
Me: Seems small that she is snotty, but she WILL do this with her teammates at school—picking at little things they do—just like she does with you and her sister, unless she consistently admits it now and stops it. The price gets higher and higher. Easier to stop now.
Mom: She took offense and said that I was saying these things because I was offended, and she said: “I did not have attitude earlier, but okay, you want attitude?" She cursed and screamed, got really aggressive and threatening.
Me: Yeah, she’s not getting the point. She’s not hurting you. She’s preparing herself to fall flat on her face, lose her scholarship, sit in puddle of self-pity at college.
Mom: I just got the image that I cannot budge or back away. I moved towards her and she said not to touch her, to shut up, to stop talking —I touched her lightly and I kept talking and telling her to really listen closely.
After she had yelled at me really loudly (just screaming at the top of her lungs in frustration; she used to do this as a young kid), and told me to back off, and I didn't, she eventually listened.
I said this outburst pretty much proves that you did have attitude earlier with sister and me - it was just disguised - now it is coming out honestly.
Preparation for Life Begins at Home
Me: Good for you. Outstanding that you helped her see her earlier attitude. She walks around with one almost all the time.
NOW is the time to learn to drop it, because in a matter of months she'll be with people who won't put up with her attitude at all. They'll just drop her, and then she'll wonder why she has no friends, feels alone, and wants to be dead.
I can’t say this enough. What she’s doing now will NOT work when she leaves home. She thinks leaving home will change things. It DOESN’T. Never does.
Mom to Rona: I am not offended. I don't care one bit what you think of me or say to me. This is for you. All of it. If you don't see yourself and your attitude, and then you move out, I doubt you will find someone else who will teach you.
Me to Mom: Highly unlikely. Everybody else will run away, or fight back, or fire her (team, job), whatever.
Mom to Rona: Life will teach you and beat you up in the process. It makes no difference to my life if you learn this or not, if you end up poor or rich, happy or unhappy. I will be sad for you if you don’t learn, but it will make no difference for me.
You’ll be miserable, but it won’t be while living in my house. I won’t rescue you, so this does not affect me, but it will hugely affect you and your future happiness. You have to get this.
Me: Perfect. That's it.
Mom: She calmed down. The storm passed. She asked me if I was upset with her, which I wasn't. We started to deal with practical things and this time her attitude was really gone.
Me: You loved and taught her while you were under fire. THAT is being a parent. Congratulations. Took a lot of practice, but you did it.
To everyone: This interaction would have gone straight into the ditch in the past, both for the daughter and the mother. But Mom dug into loving and teaching as soon as she learned how, and she didn’t give up.
This particular interaction went great—something we’d all give anything to have—but what most of us do not see is that Mom prepared SIX MONTHS for this moment with her daughter.
Without the six months of preparation, it would simply have been another tantrum, another “I don’t love you,” and a guarantee of more.
As parents we must begin preparing now, and never give up.
